Lovers of performance-focused reality television, your time is now: The Voice has begun! We’ve settled in for a night on the couch with the laptop and snacks. The forecast predicts scattered showers (occasional bawling) and ill-advised human shamelessness. Let the magic begin!
6:30pm: Seal just said “It’s not about how an artist looks.” No comment.
6:32pm: Who’s the host of this thing? So excited to find out who, from the small list of semi-charismatic Australian television personalities, will be the emcee of this drama-fest!
6:35pm: FUCK. It’s Darren McMullen.
6:37pm: The judges (Delta Goodrem, Seal, Keith Urban and Joel Madden) are doing a team performance of Seal’s 1991 hit “Crazy”. What a perfect moment for people whose careers are on the skids to show off their epic talents!
6:43pm: A girl named Casey with an lovely mid range art-pop voice is onstage singing Regina Spektor. Before she walked on she spoke about how great an opportunity it is because she’s overweight. No shit, I just got shivers. All four judges turned around and Delta said: “I had tears of inspiration listening to you. You are what this show is all about.” Firstly, “tears of inspiration”? That doesn’t even make sense. Secondly, isn’t Delta’s second comment a backhanded compliment about Casey’s plumpness?
6:46pm: Casey chose Seal. Wow, Seal looks giant as he hugs her! He looks so much larger when he’s not standing next to his gigantress ex-wife Heidi Klum. Seal’s size is the first big surprise of the show!
6:51pm: The second contestant, Adam, is the first one to use the sentence “Music is my life”. More to come!
6:53pm: About 2 seconds after the pale, John Mayer-via-Coldplay Adam Martin launched into a version of “Apologise (Too Late)” Keith Urban turned around looking super stoked, closely followed by Joel Madden and Delta. Seal wasn’t convinced. Seal shrugs showing off his fluoro yellow nail varnish. Seal is fascinating.
6:55pm: Joel Madden just told Adam “I see you as me when I started out.” Then I started yelling: LIFESTYYYYLES OF THE RICH AND THE FAMOUUUUUS at the tv from my pov apartment. Joel inadvertently flashed a diamond earring at the camera. I can pay him out about cheap pop-punk but I’m still a crumb sitting on the floor in a Ken Done t shirt and pov apartment blogging about a reality tv show. Adam chose Keith Urban.
7:04pm: Uh oh… the next contestant Jerome, who has a wife and young baby, has just made a comment along the lines of “I really need this to pay the bills”. He sung “Yellow” by Coldplay. A good song choice, but you could tell all the judges loved the song/themselves more than they liked Jerome because they were all singing it in their chairs, obviously wishing they were the ones performing it. None of the judges turned around. Poor Jerome and his hot wife!
7:11pm: A hot girl, Jana, who comes from a pop girl-group background goes onstage and sings Rihanna’s “S&M”. Joel turns around and is visibly stoked when he sees her – he actually fist pumps. None of the other judges turned around so when Joel gets to mentor Jana he says “We’re gonna have fun together!” Somewhere, Nicole Richie throws a vase against a wall.
7:18pm: This is a classic reality tv character trope: the soulful one who’s family member has “passed over”. That sounds super insensitive, but if you’ve ever watched a show like this you’ll be familiar with this persona. The contestant Carmen, who looks like a sexy female version of Sideshow Bob, has a more-than-decent R&B voice (“with jazzy top notes, like a good Shiraz”, says Katie my viewing buddy). The entire judging panel turned around and give her the hard sell as to why she should join their team. I get the feeling she’ll go with Delta, which will be a huge mistake because Delta will be threatened by her natural talent and cool hair.
7:27pm: Okay, sexy Sideshow Carmen has to decide… And she chooses Joel! Probably because they had some flirty-flirt banter onstage. Nicole Richie burns a platinum Good Charlotte record, then sits down to design some Seventies-inspired headdresses.
7:35pm: Wolfmother, ey Jimmy Cupples? Your surname alone has sold me on this one. “I wanna give Jimmy Cupples some cuddles!” The 46 year old dad of multiple babies is rocking out with “Woman”, getting the chair spin from Joel and Keith. The battle is on. Joel is pushing the “I’m American! Come with me because it’s different to Australia!” angle, but J-Cuddles chooses Keith, probably because they both “experienced the Seventies”.
7:41pm: Sexy blonde tomboy farm girl. We’ve been waiting for you.
7:42pm: “So weird not seeing them.” – Delta Goodrem when the tomboy farm girl starts singing. “That’s the premise of the show, Delta you dick.” – Katie my viewing pal.
7:44pm: Farm girl sounds a little flat. Like Frente’s Angie Hart but without the soul. None of the judges turn around. Then she finishes her song and once they do turn around and see how pretty she (Melanie Dyer) is, they are all truly bummed. Maybe she had the voice of an ugly person? All the judges are saying how good she is after having brushed her. Fail, dudes.
7:48pm: “Aw I can’t believe they didn’t choose her. I’m bummed.” – my boyfriend. In his defense he has had at least 6 standard drinks.
7:52pm: Heads up: A girl with a troubled childhood is on screen. It’s been at least 5 minutes since the cancer story. I’m ready for more tear-jerking!
7:55: HOLY. SHIT. She’s got like a white Aretha voice. I’m covered in goosebumps and ALL the judges turn promptly after about .05 seconds of her wailing. Her name is Karise and she is sensational. She’s 19. How can someone who is 19 get on stage and pull off a crazy Janis Joplin vibe? “She’s obviously lived 19 lives, all of hardship” says Katie. Preach, bitch!
7:59pm: Karise, the most moving voice we’ve heard so far, chooses the giant Seal. For the first time tonight I feel inspired by the show. Mostly because Delta Goodrem hasn’t been chosen by anyone yet. But also because Karise was fucking awesome.
8:01pm: Dudes, the Logies just started and One Direction are on… But if you’re keen for more live-blogging of The Voice tomorrow night, let us know in the comment section. Otherwise we might just do it anyway.