Many months ago, a hunchback crone with a keen third eye (who, ironically, was blind in her first and second eyes – go figure) descended upon the Channel Nine studios to observe the seasonal ‘throwing of the almanac’. It’s a tradition of The Voice Australia, whereby a cleric with supernatural powers lobs a mug of frogs at a brick wall and divines the schedule for the season ahead according to what is read in the positions of smashed frog corpses. And thus, tonight is the night we’ve arrived where we are: at Round Three of the Live Finals. The show will kick off with results from last week’s public vote, followed by live performances from the remaining singers who’ll cover tunes by Nina Simone, Aerosmith, and Hoobastank. Yes, Hoobastank. Tune in at 7:30pm AEST – the Reason is The Voice.
7:39pm: And we’re off – only nine minutes later than expected! Tonight the inaugural winner of The Voice Australia, Karise Eden, will be performing what is described as “a special encore performance” by voiceover guy. But first, a violet-clad Darren McMullen introduces our esteemed judges: Delta Goodrem looking quite lovely in a colour block dress in thick stripes of tangerine, pink and puce. Isn’t the word ‘puce’ simply the worst?
7:46pm: To begin we’ll learn which member of Team Seal has gone straight through to the next round… And, of course, it’s Harrison Craig, the babyfaced assassin who slays pussy with his Buble charms. Apologies to Harrison’s mum/everyone for using the term ‘slays pussy’.
7:47pm: Seal decides to put frizzy-haired gent Mitchell through next, which means we bid adieu to busker Alex Gibson, who I incorrectly tipped as a possible finalist. What have I even learned from committing to this live blogging? Why am I even here?
7:49pm: Next, it’s time to farewell one member from Team Joel. Bohemian hat lover and poster boy for acid Danny Ross is sent through with the public vote, leaving Joel responsible with the selection of either Kiyomi, the fun cotton candy dispenser wearing a #literally #amazing puff sleeved number from the Romance Was Born “Mushroom Magic” collection. Michael Stangel is out of the running to be Australia’s Next Top mlub mblum.
7:53pm: Team Delta loses its lamest songbird now. Not sister wife Celia Pavey who flies through with the public vote in a boho-bridal nightgown, and Delta chooses to save her elderly “brother” Steve Clisby, meaning one of my personal favourites, Jackie Sennia is gone. Delta weeps.
7:56pm: After a fumbling Darren McMullen aka McDonaldland resident Grimace-on-a-diet drops his notes, he reveals that the first songbird from Team Ricky to fly further into the hearts of Australians is operatic Luke. Ricky uses the power of his bon-bon to take Miss Murphy into the next round, meaning the consistently impressive Simon Meli / Smeli gets escorted out – a major loss for the tight pants aficionados in the audience.
8:05pm: First to perform solo is yours and your mother’s favourite, Harrison, who’s taken style tips from someone who favours vertical hairstyles and pancake makeup. He performs “If” by Bread, one of the single lamest songs of all time. He does a pretty job of it though, despite the fact the song’s a petrified turd. “He would kill it at Carols In The Domain”, comments my boyfriend, offering astonishing insight into the wants and needs of the key Carols In The Domain demographic.
8:16pm: Ricky’s soul starlet Miss Murphy is up next performing the killer Smokey Robinson heartbreaker “You Really Got A Hold Of You”. She’s making some very seductive bedroom eyes down the barrel of the camera while wearing an excellent pair of two-tone pumps. That was a captivating, pregnancy-inducing performance just then by Miss M., who slayed that song possibly more than Harrison slays the hypothetical puss. NEXT.
8:26pm: Hold onto your felt hats, fellas. Next up is Danny Ross, rehearsing his song “It’s Time” by Imagine Dragons (“a really big song”, says Danny) wearing a provocative keffiyah and black felt hat adorned with feathers. That’s so Danny, I think to myself.
8:29pm: To everyone’s surprise Danny is not wearing any style of headwear in the performance, but that doesn’t matter because it’s like Ricky says in his adjudication: “you have something so special, bro.” I admit there is something captivating about Danny – even in the glam-etched man-leggings he was wearing on stage tonight – and despite myself I do enjoy him in this competition. Maybe it’s because he’s the type of fellow I was pash-crazed about as a teenager. (Because all teenagers are horny idiots who like dudes that are 100% carrying.)
8:37pm: Good grief you guys. Delta just had Steve Clisby perform VIA SKYPE to his 102 year old mother. DAYUM. That was about as close to tears as this hate-sponge (me – duh) can get. Steve is singing “Sunday In Savannah” by Nina Simone and it’s the song he’s been “waiting all my life to sing”. What are these weird wet things on my face?
8:41pm: Clisby knocked that shit OUT. OF. THE. PARK. I’ve been skeptical of the dude from time to time, but that was genuinely beautiful and affecting. Fantastic song choice by Delta Steve Clisby (who doesn’t respect Delta enough to let her choose his songs for pete’s sake LOL), and a moving, vocally expressive performance by The Clis. Let us never refer to him as “The Clis” again. Sorry – I’ve had some red wine.
8:52pm: Now we welcome back last year’s victor Karise Eden. She has been working in the studio “writing, co-writing songs, working with artists in the studio in London.” She won two ARIAs and is at a point in her life “where I’m sailing my own ship”. You can tell by her turn of phrase that Seal was her coach. She’s debuting a new song tonight, the name of which I missed while refilling my wine glass. It sounds like a cross between Sia’s “Breathe Me” and an Adele song called “[you remind me of the song’s name in the comment section]”. She looks very glam in her black lace dress and mound of hair over one shoulder. Nicely done, Karise Eden.
9:03pm: Next, from Team Joel, is bleating beauty Kiyomi in whom Joel sees Clark Kent. “You’re like this action figure,” he tells her in rehearsal. G.I. Joe is a fabulous, camp throwback to the 1950s too, so good call to Joel.
9″08pm: I’m a fan of Kiyomi and that was fun, as is a requirement from someone who isn’t a ‘voice’ so much as an adorable energy-filled gal who looks lovely in rainbow colours. Not sure about the Warhol-like silkscreen projections of Kiyomi’s own face for a backdrop though :/ After the performance, Kiyomi is praised by the judges, including Delta who describes Kiyomi as “global”, a comment that could be construed as controversial if I could be bothered* to explain why.
*can’t.
9:14pm: Seal‘s man-in-a-topknot Mitchell is next singing “Take Me To The River”. “His voice… IS GOLD” Seal warns us in the rehearsal package.
9:18pm: There is something about Mitchell, his utter commitment to each song and his sproinging head of hair that moves onstage to a beat of its own that are goddamn endearing as heck.
9:27pm: Next from Team Ricky is Luke Kennedy who is singing “Overjoyed” by Stevie Wonder, a song Ricky has encouraged Luke to dedicate to his daughter. While anyone who speaks ill of Stevie Wonder should be struck down, this song is a bore (“this song isn’t even adult-contemporary. It’s just straight-up adult.” says my boyfriend) and so Luke doesn’t have much to work with. I’m sure the judges will be jizzing over it anyway – impervious to boredom, as they’ve proven to be. Someone needs to get Luke drunk and make him sing “Nothing Else Matters” at a high school party. For fun.
9:38pm: Okay, the consistently great Sansa Stark/Celia Pavey is up next from Team Delta, doing her folky-soprano thing on “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow”, a song she can get into because she is, and I quote, “IN LOVE. WITH HUGO.” Who is this Hugo?? He’s a drummer, that’s all we know. Ggggahhhh I must know moooohhhrrrre.
9:42pm: Alright everyone. We’ve had a fun night, but it’s time for me to eat a late dinner, and for you to hit the comment section and share your deepest, darkest feelings about tonight’s episodes/performances/outfits/weather. Good night!
