Anyway, sometimes when I look at Darren McMullen‘s new hairstyle I’m reminded of the facial fur of an especially stoked cockerspaniel.
7:00pm: The first battlers repping Team Seal are Simone who was in the temporarily popular girl band Shakaya, and fellow soul chick Michelle, who are singing “Battlefield”. They are friends but Seal is all “you should be thinking about sending her [points to whomever is not the person he is currently talking to] home”. True dawg. You saw how Peggy Olsen totally fucked her late-night phone call buddy Stan on Mad Men last week, right? PS Spoiler alert?
7:05pm: Michelle kicks off proceedings with a really strong opening vocal and, by comparison, Simone sounds a lot less powerful. Ryan Tedder who is the OneRepublic white boy who also wrote the song is pretty psyched on this song choice. He’s mouthing “a battlefield… A battlefield… A battlefield” with a self-satisfied grin on his face. In the end Seal goes with Michelle.
7:11pm: Next is two guitar-toting dudes who like wearing hoodies. They’re on Team Joel, duh. Danny Ross and Chris are their names and they’ll be singing “Are You Gonna Go My Way” by Lenny Kravitz. The tough performance decision to make here is: with guitars or without? For some reason Chris is being a petulant dick about it and he is DARING TO BACK CHAT Joel Madden – not to mention he dare splash his negative mojo around the pristine soul of Team Madden mentor, Ben Lee. The fuck is this guy’s problem? Even if Chris wins he still loses by arguing with Joel.
7:18pm: Joel gives Chris the option of going with or without the guitar. And as the boys step on stage in their shiny clay coloured leather pants CHRIS HAS A GUITAR IN HAND. Alert everyone.
-_-
7:20pm: Okay, what the hell just happened? For an unknown reason Chris and Danny BOTH made some weird attempt at rock-scatting where they used their mouths to make a guitar whammy sound which may have been an attempt to communicate with life forms of other planets. I can’t really comment because that emptied my mind of clear thought.
7:23pm: As the weird guitar-singing-mouth-sounds jam out winds up, Delta squeals with glee proclaiming, “If there was a specials menu board that would be a Joel Special!!!” She can’t choose a favourite because the communicating-with-aliens section of the song really confused her. Joel takes a time out to confer with Ben Lee. Ben Lee says “I like Danny because he just is who Danny is.” Wise words, Ben. Joel takes his trusted advisement to heart and chooses Danny.
7:31pm: PS Delta is flirting dangerously with nipple exposure tonight.
7:32pm: Meanwhile, back in the rehearsal room, two big soul voices from Team Ricky, Karen aka ‘Miss Murphy’ and Tongan gospel dad Sione. The song is “People Get Ready”. The song is a bit too down-tempo for my liking – it never really moves out of first gear, but both singers are doing a really solid job on the vocals. Miss Murphy definitely has the edge, voice-wise.
7:38pm: Seal says “Miss Murpheh! Yo’ just the real deal, ain’t ya!” like a 1930s shoe shine. Ricky thought Sione was magical and spiritual and really moved the audience but ultimately he goes with Karen/Miss Murphehhh.
7:42pm: I wonder what’s happening on Celebrity Splash right now?…
7:46pm: Delta chooses Ben and Mitchell, two tan guys with a proclivity for sleeveless vests, to go to battle for Team Delta. Ben is the one from Bondi with the fake European accent. Mitchell is the one who breaks in horses for a living. I’m legitimately excited about this shit!
7:50pm: Tragedy strikes in rehearsals when Mitchell gets a cold. Poor wittle wamb! But, as Ryan Tedder says, “who knows – it could add a little tone to your voice.” Oh Ryan! Vocals-wise they’re in a ‘dead heat’, so let’s see if they can cram a little suspense into this outing.
7:52pm: These two are singing something-something-whatever by Ed Sheeran and in all honesty it sounds quite pretty. It’s difficult for viewers like me to reach cognisant equilibrium on the studio temperature as Mitchell is wearing a singlet while Ben is wearing a beanie. Confusing. The judges loved both of them. Who will Delt select? She’s taking a ‘time-out’ to discuss with Ryan Tedder. Now we wait…
7:56pm: Delta says it’s so hard to look away from Ben but the artist she’d like to work with moving forward… is BEN. Damn gurl, you got me that time! Delta also wanted to pants Ben from the first audition so now their imaginary love affair that I’ve been writing fan-fic about can continue!!
8:03pm: Delta’s next battle is between Tim Morrison and Oscar Chavez who’ll be singing Birds of Tokyo’s “Lanterns”. “ROCK STARS!!” yells Delta as they walk into the ring.
8:05pm: The highlight of this performance for me, so far, is Delta clicking her fingers out of time to the music with a confused look on her face.
8:06pm: They sounded fine, no miracles though. “Tim, nice Game Of Thrones goatee,” comments my fiance, who I made take photos of the television screen while I was typing so I could show you Seal‘s facial expressions during the performances.
The girl behind Seal is like “Problem?”
8:12pm: Next to battle will be Team Seal‘s Jac Stone and Lauren Dawes (the feted albino from Episode 08!) who will be singing “You Don’t Know Me” by Ray Charles. Both girls really want to win this battle. Someone’s dreams are about to be crushed…. “Let yourself be great,” murmurs Seal. LOL.
8:20pm: Okay, so the vocals were great. Both their voices sounded lovely singing the song’s jazz-y melody. Lauren looked extremely nervous though, and her performance wasn’t as engaging as Jac’s because you could see her eyes flickering from side to side in a panic. With that said, the song received the first standing ovation from every judge. “It was subtle… It was fragile… It was bendy and stretchy… It was like Fraggle Rock performed live atop a giant toenail… It was everything,” says Ricky.
8:24pm: Ultimately Seal chooses Jac, despite the fact he feels both singers “need to be in the competition”. Now Lauren‘s future lies in the generously moisturised child-talons of Delta Goodrem – the only judge left with a ‘save’. Use your powers, Deltron…
8:29pm: This is amazingly dramatic! Seal calls out “SAVE HER DELTA. SAVE HER DELTA.” but Delta totally fucks it and does not save the precious albino. Wow. The faces on the other judges… It’s as though she stabbed a unicorn.
8:32pm: Last up to battle tonight is Simon the lank-haired rock guy versus throaty belter Juliane who are going to sing the Black Crowes’ “Hard to Handle”. Nice choice Ricky Martin.
8:39pm: “He certainly dresses the part, old Simon,” muses the fiance while browsing NBA replays on his iPad. Thanks for the input, darl.
8:40pm: There is good ‘energy’ in this performance. Rock guy Simon IS wearing paisley, tight pants, leather jacket, silver necklace and has the batshit ’70s chops happening, but his voice is fine. “That was the biggest case of white guy dancing I’ve ever seen,” Joel says about Simon’s lol moves. All the judges enjoyed both performers, but in the end Simon takes out Ricky‘s vote.
8:45pm: Alright, that’s it for another round. Who nailed it? Who should have been saved? Who watched Celebrity Splash instead? Till next time, good night all.
