It feels like only yesterday I was sitting down on the couch for another live blog of The Voice Australia because it was yesterday. It’s the third consecutive night of Blind Auditions and, as of last night’s episode, the teams are sitting as follows: Ricky Martin has filled 11 of the 14 spots on his dance card of finalists. This means that Ricky is the most popular judge, most likely because of his accent and twin babies. Joel has 10 contestants in his pool, followed by Delta with 9, and Seal scoring poorly with just 8, probably because he doesn’t wear nail varnish or white pleather smocks anymore. Get comfortable. It’s time.
7:08pm: First up is a girl named Hannah Darling who has bright pink hair and looks like a scene in Pokemon, such is the loud array of colour going on in her presentation. I kind of dig it. She’s prettily singing Laura Marling with a guitar and a catch in her voice.
7:10pm: All the judges were wavering over their buzzers (because they’ve got minimal spots left on their teams of 12) but finally Seal and Joel spin. Hannah Darling lifts about 75% of her dress to expose her “outfit” which is actually upper leg tattoos. She tells Seal and Joel she is a “little broken heart” who likes to sing songs about broken hearts, then they ask her to sing an original song. This is highly unorthodox.
7:14pm Hannah Darling sang a pretty, sad little folk ditty which impressed everyone. She picked Joel. They both have tattoos and hair the colours of free casino daquiris so it is a natural fit.
7:19pm: Next up is some handsome big guy who is mad stoked on coming from Bondi. His name is Ben Goldstein. He has a geographically-ambiguous fake accent and is singing something that sounds kind of like the Dirty Projectors because of its whack unpredictable melody and all the vocal melismas. Delta spun around and CLEARLY wants to pants the guy lol.
7:25pm: Seal also turned around, so now it’s down to Benny G. Who’s it going to be? “Please let me work with you,” Delta whines… And she’s in luck! Ben chooses Delta because he “connects with her energy”. Ah, I believe you’re referring to pheromone stench.
7:34pm: Next to audition is a cute extremely nervous beachy gal in a black hat. Her name is Rebekah and she’s singing a song, title not important, and has a strong set of pipes for a teenager, but she wasn’t quite good enough to earn a swivel. She does score a Ricky Martin hug though, and they’re rumoured to be like being enveloped by a pillowcase of doves floating by on a fragrant zephyr.
7:39pm: A girl named Jackie Sannia steps onto stage behind a piano and sings and plays this song so nicely, with real sincere emotion and sensitivity. That’s the kind of thing that can’t be taught. [Stands to leave; important contribution to pop culture made for the evening.]
Seriously though, I was pretty impressed by that performance – it was compelling. And she’s only 17, bless her. Delta, Joel and Seal all have a bid to have Jackie on their team. Who’s she going with?
7:49pm: Jackie picks Delta! Delta is racking up a decent team this year with a couple of real contenders. She’s been a lot more ‘real’ this season.
7:52pm Taking to the stage are identical twins Emma and Sarah. They speak in unison. Eep. In the pre-performance interview Darren McMullen asks them how long they’ve been together and they say “since the womb”. “Womb mates!” says Darren, in a surprisingly solid pun.
7:54pm: The twins sing a song by The Corrs (OMG The Corrs were sisters too…) and it’s meh for reals. None of the judges swivel, but then they all regret it because the twins answer all their questions in chorus – like those adorable-creepy children in horror movies – and you just know Australia would have lapped that twin shit up.
8:01pm: Next is Mitchell Anderson, a 44 year old rocker with the head hair of Sideshow Bob and the facial hair of a 44 year old rocker.
8:05pm: He is singing “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye and I can’t help but feel a little uncomfortable because I’m sexually ageist ¯_(”)_/¯
8:06pm: Seal turned around! He is the only one so Mitchell is stuck with him, but still Mitchell is just stoked to have the opportunity “to sing in front of you top cats!!” And with that hilariously dated and patently untrue sentence he wins me over! Then he goes backstage to see his dad, who’s this adorable, fully supportive old guy. Think of the number of times your parents have rolled their eyes at your harebrained schemes, then fast forward to when you’re 44 and you’re still presenting them with harebrained schemes. Most parents would disown you, but Mitchell’s dad is as pleased as punch. I could bawl.
8:13pm: Katie Carr is up next. Her boyfriend means the world to her. In the pre-performance interview Katie almost started crying just describing him. PLEASE LET KATIE CARR PROPOSE TO HER BOYFRIEND ON STAGE.
8:17pm: Katie Carr sang with a nice throaty voice but none of the judges turned around… BUT THEN! She kicked into this hectic bridge where she opened into this high section and Ricky rotated. Good one, Katie Carr. She’s super sweet and likeable, and she WILL propose to her boyfriend on national television before the end of this thing… OR ELSE!
8:25pm: A Brisbane lad wearing obscene pleated harem pants who SCULPTS ANIMALS FOR THEME PARKS AND MUSEUMS (!?!?!!) named Luke Mansini will be singing next. He’s very emotional, he says.
8:28pm: Luke is singing an Adele song with real pain and emotion. Refer to above. Delta and Seal both rotate but Luke ultimately picks Delta. Shit y’all! Seal is getting so much rejection this year, and Delta’s just scored another high quality asset for her team.
8:38pm: The next performer is Shawn Kirke, he is from Perth and as a child he almost died after a severe asthma attack and is now on crutches. He’s bounced back and has a decent singing voice and good on him. [But can we quickly have a moment to acknowledge the fact that, at this point, the producers are blatantly insulting the audience – us – with these sob stories. It has really gone too far.] Anyway Joel and Seal went to bat for Shawn and he picked Seal. Yay! That’s it.
8:47pm: Anything to add to tonight’s commentary? Please share in the comment section. Till next time.
