Our path to enlightenment has been in a state of arrested development for the past eleven weeks, preoccupied (for professional reasons, of course) with The Voice Australia, its judges and what kind of head decor its contestants are wearing. Tonight we farewell another season of the show, discover which wannabe singing superstar will take it all the way to the top, and return to our normal lives. As depressing as that might be.
7:40pm: The final four (that’s Harrison, Celia, Danny and Luke – you should know that by now) just performed on stage together for the first time ever. The song? It’s John Farnham’s “You’re The Voice”. Because they are The Voice, see? I like what they did there. It was a “rousing” arrangement; if you fail to make “You’re The Voice” rousing you might as well throw your soul on the floor, trample it under a Croc sandal and wait for death to approach. Highlight? The piper came on for the bagpipe solo! Heck yes, it’s the greatest bagpipe solo of any number 1 Australian chart hit in history.
7:48pm: Hat watch update: 1. Danny Ross is wearing a black bowler hat and two thirds of a three-piece suit. He’s wearing tails over a grubby cheesecloth spencer and a fake carnation in his button hole. He and Joel are singing a song together. It’s a song I’ve never heard, but I’m sure it’s a power pop chart hit that is meaningful to thousands. Joel and Danny sound very average voice-wise tonight. That’s hardly important though; there are large flaming rings set up on stage that are distracting everyone. I spend the entire performance desperately hoping one of them will jump through the flaming rings (what the heck else would possibly be the point of them?) but no one ever does. Huge disappointment.
7:56pm: Darren McMullen just pronounced “collaborators” as “collaborateurs”. Is that French?
7:57pm: It’s been revealed that the next contestant-coach “collaborateurs” will be Ricky and Luke performing “El Tango De Roxanne” from Baz Luhrmann’s Moulin Rouge soundtrack. Singing the theatrical version of a popular song about a man who falls in love with a prostitute. What could possibly go wrong?
8:01pm: Admittedly that was impressive, partly because both Ricky and Luke did a great job on the vocals and partly because of the barometer-breaking gay factor of the performance. The highlight was the spoken word section in which Ricky Martin sensually whispered English words in a fake Italian accent. I still keep forgetting Luke’s name, which might mean he just isn’t that memorable. Or that he should change his name to Julian immediately.
8:08pm: Ryan Tedder, the mentor from Team Delta who also sings “Too Late To Apologise” among other songs I cannot name off the dome is here for some reason, singing with his band OneRepublic. It has to be said that Ryan Tedder has an exquisite tan.
8:14pm: Celia and Delta are doing Fleetwood Mac’s “Go Your Own Way” next. Is it just me or has Delta gotten progressively hotter every episode?
8:21pm: Celia is wielding her guitar and wearing an emerald green dress. It goes famously with her skin and hair colours. Delta is doing sexy eyes from the piano in an embellished Alex Perry dress. She’s really owning the Alex Perry SS2013-14 collection this season. The version of the song is slower than the original and a little too Cranberries-like, but, Irish rock comparisons aside, it was acceptable.
8:33pm: Robin Thicke just performed “Blurred Lines” onstage with three smoking backup singers who were clearly there to look hot and mouth some oohs and aahs. The song was fine with the requisite hornbag females in the audience trying for some Robin Thicke grab ass, Robin Thicke prancing about with a perfect-fitting suit and aviators on and lashings of sick falsetto. However the real treat was after the performance when Robin Thicke talked to Darren McMullen (who said “I don’t get jealous of people often, but I think I’m a little bit jealous of you Robin Thicke.” Groan) and sounded uncannily like his real life father Alan Thicke AKA Jason Seaver from television’s Growing Pains! Not kidding, their voices are IDENTICAL. Shout out to Michael Hartt on Twitter who linked to this 24-carat chunk of Alan Thicke gold.
@pedestriandaily Alan Thicke Sings “Sweaty and Hot”. You’re welcome. http://t.co/UNZhZlQS7A
— Michael Hartt (@whatamindblast) June 17, 2013
8:45pm: Seal and Harrison Craig just did “He Ain’t Heavy He’s My Brother” by The Hollies and holy creatures of the sea did Seal perform the shit out of that number! He really outshone poor Harrison who was smiling nervously, clearly scared to death/quietly pissed about Seal showing him up. Seal didn’t mean to do it – he’s just a natural performer and a god of the soul pop genre.
8:53pm: Delta‘s up for a performance of her new single. And it’s a dance anthem! I’m shocked. I was expecting more adult-contemp piano filler a la the vast majority of the Delta Goodrem oeuvre, but this is a legitimate sequin-lined, feather-waving club anthem, and I can honestly say I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s the “When Love Takes Over” of Australia’s gay clubs this month. Good grief Delta, you might just have a hit on your hand girlfriend!
9:02pm: Here’s a treat: the announcement of the winners! I thought they’d drag this finale out at the pace of a caterpillar shuffle. Firstly Darren will announce the fourth place recipient, and understandably it is Danny Ross – he who is too strange for the mainstream voting crowd and not quite traditionally good looking enough to have the teenage girls on lock. Joel’s got his back until the end of time and they are “brothers”.
9:08pm: Celia takes third place. Her major support through the competition has been “my family and my boyfriend Hugo”. Hugo you old dog! He was one of the breakout stars of the show, what with Celia writing meaningful songs about him. We need more Hugo. He should audition for Big Brother this year.
9:17pm: Earlier today I wrote: “I can say with only 62% certainty that Luke will probably maybe win this year.” and soon we’ll find out if that totally uncommitted pussy guess was correct, but first!…
9:22pm: … RICKY MARTIN! Australia’s favourite new adopted son garners a stand alone video montage for his meaningful contribution to our sex fantasies, followed by the performance of Ricky’s new single “Come With Me”, a dreadful dance cut that he performs in a ZIP UP three-quarter sleeve shirt rendered in supple black leather. Needless to say: screams. While the people at home are trying to enjoy Ricky’s pelvic reflexes, Delta keeps cropping up in the frame dancing exuberantly. Who can blame her.
9:31pm: Things are winding up. Seal and Harrison have just spent a few good minutes awkwardly crying at each other about their special relationship. Everyone in the studio audience definitely wants to tiptoe quietly backwards out of the room. Among Seal’s lengthy and poorly constructed download of ideas removed from a fluffy lilac cloud in his head, he tells Harrison that he is “the reason we come back as coaches each year…” Uh that would be ONE year that you’ve come back, Seal beb.
9:40pm: The moment has arrived. Harrison is the winner. Of course he is. We should have known that the minute he appeared on screen. That’s it everyone! I’m going to listen to the bagpipe section to “You’re The Voice” on repeat and make air punches in the living room. Goodnight!
