The seventh season of HBO‘s steamy vampire soap opera True Blood begins airing Sunday night in the U.S., and we’re not going to lie: we’re excited. Though in many ways, True Blood is the stupidest show on television, its hilarious mix of melodrama, insane plot twists and vampire nudity just keeps us coming back for more.
While we have no idea what the seventh and final season of True Blood will bring – who will seduce whom, who will show some gratuitous skin, and just what kind of trouble that horde of zombie vampires will cause – we decided to celebrate the show by looking back at the seven most ridiculous things that have happened on True Blood so far.
1. Andy Raises A Litter Of Fairy Babies
The Bellfleur family of Bon Temps can never catch a break – there was the time where the ghost of an Iraqi woman summoned Ifrit to deal +1000 damage on Terry, and the time where Arlene thought her baby was a serial killer. The crowning Bellfleur moment was when Sheriff Andy had a one-night-stand with a fairy lady, and was then presented with a litter of mewling fairy babies to raise as his own. They grew into troublesome teens almost literally overnight, but then just when poor Andy was bonding with them, buddy cop-style, Jessica done killed all but one of the little tykes. Dammit, Jessica.
2. Lafayette Gets Possessed By Everything That Moves
Lafayette’s motto is “A.B.C.” – “Always Be Channelin’” – and in recent times, he can’t seem to go more than a day without being possessed by some kind of evil spirit. There was that time where the ghost of Harry Potter’s wicked stepmother got all up inside him and made him kill his boyfriend. Then there was that other time he channeled the spirit of a sassy murder victim, who turned him into a southern Diana Ross and sent him on a baby snatching spree. The once-proud Lafayette is a complete basket case at this point, but TV series Lafayette is faring better than book Lafayette, who was killed off right near the start.
3. Jason Gets A Magical Boner
Poor, pretty Jason Stackhouse. When not being tied up and milked by trailer trash panther women or caught in games of erotic cat and mouse with deranged Gay Vampire Americans, he’s banging his best friend’s bloodsucking ex and feeling super conflicted about it. Jason’s crowning glory was way back in the first season, when he downed a vial of vampire blood that gave him a wicked case of priapism, making his penis swell up and turn purple. Ryan Kwanten‘s utter terror in those scenes made them all the more perfectly ridiculous. Oh Jason, just keep whipping your shirt off and we’ll be fine.
4. Vampire Eric Catches Fire While Nude On Top Of A Mountain
The above sentence barely scratches the surface of the ridicuous fuckery that True Blood has put Alexander Skarsgård through over the years. After starting out as a cool antagonist and ruthless killer, he got all mushy over a thousand-year-old teenage boy (RIP Godric), lost his memory, fell in puppy love with Sookie for a while, got his mojo back, possibly had an imaginary three-way with Sookie and Bill, nearly fought his ex Pam to the death, learned to fly (I think?) and then pissed off to a snowy Swedish mountainside where he read a book in the nude until he caught fire. His fate at this point is unknown, but I’m betting he’ll be back, because Alexander Skarsgård looks super hot naked.
5. Bill Gets Reborn As Some Ancient Vampire Lady
The handsome, gravelly-voiced Bill took Sookie’s fairy virginity – and also her regular virginity, I guess – coining the phrase “SOOKEH!” in the process. Just when it seemed they’d be together forever, a whole bushel of crazy arrived on their doorstep in the form of Bill’s insane, eye-bleeding ex Lorena and his progeny Jessica. They’ve drifted apart in recent times, and in a classic Bill Compton dick move, he drank the blood of an ancient vampire named Lilith, only to … become her? I don’t even know. He ‘sploded then came back all wrong then started moving things around with his mind and walking in the sun.
6. Tara Becomes A Sexxxy Sapphic Cage Fighter
Look, I’m all for Tara finding happiness, but Sookie’s obnoxious bestie came out of the closet with all the subtlety of Ralph Wiggum seeing a penis and declaring “I like men now!” True, she had been dicked-around, kidnapped and otherwise terrorised by a lot of men when the show decided to hook her up with a fellow lady cage fighter, but it felt like a gratuitous decision, made because True Blood ran out of things to do with her. (Yes, I’m aware that the phrases “True Blood“ and “gratuitous decision” go hand-in-hand). At least more recently, her borderline-S&M relationship with Vampire Pam has kept her busy.
7. Sookie Opens Her Mouth At Any Point
True Blood may as well be called The Increasingly Poor Decisions Of Sookie Stackhouse, since the heroine, lord love her, is one of the worst characters on TV. The problem is the fact that the show really has no use for her anymore – where True Blood started out as the story of a human waitress in love with a vampire, it ballooned out to include witches, were-panthers, vampire-killing religious cults and fuck knows what else, leaving little room for its supposed star. True Blood has shoehorned Sookie into angsty love triangles almost every male character bar her brother, turned her into a fairy princess, and had her whine, complain and be unhelpful at almost every turn. Just kill her off, guys.
What insane plot twists did we miss? Let us know in the comments.