The first episode of The Real Love Boat Australia is done and dusted and hot diggity dog, what a fucking wild ride it was. I don’t know what I expected from a reality dating show that’s been dubbed as “Love Island on boat”, but it wasn’t that.
In case your The Real Love Boat Australia lore isn’t quite up to scratch, the show sees 21 singles from all around Australia search for love aboard a cruise ship. I don’t know how the producers found more than 20 people willing to live on a cruise ship given, y’know, COVID-19 but alas, they did.
We’ve done a deep-dive into the love-struck singles (which includes a set of twins, because nothing is hotter than trying to find a root while stuck on a boat with your brother) here.
But enough about what we think. Let’s cop a squiz at what the people of Twitter thought about The Real Love Boat Australia, shall we?
First things first, the cruising community was up in arms because, and I quote, “it’s offensive to call a cruise ship a boat because they’re two different things”.
https://twitter.com/CruisingWithKar/status/1577574475541143552
It’s quite scandalous, really. The people of Twitter are also having a moment because the show threw us a fucking curveball by announcing one of the blokes wouldn’t be boarding the cruise.
I can’t explain how rude it is to fly a gaggle of men over to Spain for a dating show on a ship, and then let them one of them know they’re not even allowed to jump onboard. That would be the start of my Joker arc, if I’m honest.
Ok, I can’t believe I’m actually watching this, but sending home that one fella on #TheRealLoveBoatAU is so mean! One of the chicks must’ve got covid or something?
— Emilioooo (@Emilio84j) October 5, 2022
The producers going all out for those shitty boarding passes #TheRealLoveBoatAU
— – (@pegysys) October 5, 2022
Why bring em all there just to fly one back.
Nup, not today dude.
Hope you enjoyed the plane ride tho#TheRealLoveBoatAU— 🍋Bang Go The Bells (@BangGoTheBells) October 5, 2022
Basically, the girls all had a ticket to board the boat, so it was up to them to go on speed dates with the guys and figure out which bloke they wanted to give a ticket to.
The dates kicked off with a bang when Naomi asked Dan what his name was short for. As expected, Twitter had thoughts on this question.
I always thought “Dan” was just short for Dan.#TheRealLoveBoatAU
— 🍋Bang Go The Bells (@BangGoTheBells) October 5, 2022
https://twitter.com/Ben_Shute/status/1577579874213953536
“Dan, that’s short for?”#TheRealLoveBoatAU pic.twitter.com/2ffembbNVF
— Tonia Todman Stan 🇦🇺🏳️🌈🐶🍕😷💉 (@Fabbz3182) October 5, 2022
Moana also added a bit of shit to the Twitter commentary stew when she revealed her and Dan (short for Daniel) knew each other and were “friends”. It was giving Gemma Owen having a nervy b when her ex-boyfriend Jacques O’Neill walked into the Love Island villa on Season 8.
“We were… friends. For a little bit” #TheRealLoveBoatAU pic.twitter.com/eFFkOXxj0V
— Kev (@SC_Kev7) October 5, 2022
Daniel and Moana: slept together
Moana: giving vibes that Dan was a dead root
Just saying #TheRealLoveBoatAU
— Jem (@JemMckenz) October 5, 2022
So Dan and Moana already banged? Surely casting could have found singles who have never met 🙄#TheRealLoveBoatAU
— Annie Clark ⚡️ (@anniefitness) October 5, 2022
Twitter also noticed everyone was looking red as shit. These people need to hit the SPF aisle of Chemist Warehouse ASAP.
Is peeling the dead sunburnt skin off each other gonna be one of the challenges #TheRealLoveBoatAU pic.twitter.com/P4ADs8KmI4
— Mickandkel (@mickandkel) October 5, 2022
There is an unbelievable level of sunburn here before we even get on the boat. #TheRealLoveBoatAU pic.twitter.com/2LiwHs73XU
— Bachelor of Hearts Podcast 🌹 (@BOHpod) October 5, 2022
#TheRealLoveBoatAU these people are…..,really sunburnt. pic.twitter.com/FAArSL28xA
— Wayne Griffin (@grifology70) October 5, 2022
They definitely need to increase the sunscreen budget on this show. #TheRealLoveBoatAU
— Mel (@melb_mel) October 5, 2022
Something truly amazing happened when Sari was choosing who she wanted to pick, and a jaw-dropping, awe-inspiring, stunningly fluffy cat walked by.
My first thought was: “Take the cat, babes!” and I’m so glad Twitter agreed with me.
GIVE THE CAT THE TICKET #TheRealLoveBoatAU pic.twitter.com/mnuxxWZs5W
— Bachelor of Hearts Podcast 🌹 (@BOHpod) October 5, 2022
Dating advice: take the cat. Not a man. #TheRealLoveBoatAU
— Jem (@JemMckenz) October 5, 2022
Sadly, things took a turn when it was Katie‘s turn to pick a beau ‘cos she said the wrong name. I don’t want to be dramatic but I would have flung myself into the ocean.
Josh and Ben were the final two blokes waiting to be picked. The poor girl wanted to pick the former but accidentally said Chris‘ name, who had already been chosen by Sari.
Thus Ben was the man who got stitched up by the producers of The Real Love Boat Australia. Smell ya later, Benjamin.
I thought the internet would have more thoughts on how awkward the whole “wrong name” thing was but alas, people were quite tame.
I missed. Did Katie say the wrong dudes name. She didn’t want Josh. She wanted the other dude??#TheRealLoveBoatAU
— 🍋Bang Go The Bells (@BangGoTheBells) October 5, 2022
Katie: can we do it again?
Darren: Absolutely not!
No way are we reshooting that piece of gold! #TheRealLoveBoatAU
— Nez (@fraggle73) October 5, 2022
However, Twitter was quick to notice that the love birds had to share a bloody room, like they were bunking with their sibling in a B&B in some butt fuck nowhere country town.
Sorry just to clarify — the boat is this big, but the contestants all have to share a room?#TheRealLoveBoatAU pic.twitter.com/rjZu0ceZOl
— Bachelor of Hearts Podcast 🌹 (@BOHpod) October 5, 2022
Twin share. No expense spared. #luxe #TheRealLoveBoatAU
— – (@pegysys) October 5, 2022
We were also introduced to our captain Paolo Arrigo, head of entertainment Daniel Doody and cruise director Hannah Ferrier.
The internet had thoughts about the value they added to the show, ‘cos all they seemed to do was trot around and stare at everyone on their dates and say shit like: “They’ve got the hottest chemistry”.
So Hannah and Doody just stand around and talk behind the couples backs?#TheRealLoveBoatAU
— 𝐃𝐲𝐥𝐚𝐧 𝐌𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐰𝐬 (@DylanMatthews91) October 5, 2022
The crew know too much already about these people. I reckon they are behind the data breech at Optus #TheRealLoveBoatAU
— Jem (@JemMckenz) October 5, 2022
So Hannah and Doody were hired as creepy stalkers? #TheRealLoveBoatAU pic.twitter.com/rvbl5tiTIM
— Annie Clark ⚡️ (@anniefitness) October 5, 2022
How much is Doody and his sidekick getting paid to stalk the contestants? #TheRealLoveBoatAU
— Apolo (@PK_APOSTOLI) October 5, 2022
Sari and Chris’ date went off on Twitter, probably because she delivered the most fucking iconic one-liner I’ve ever heard: “I want someone who doesn’t really care about my personality.”
Nobody should want to fall in love with another’s personality #TheRealLoveBoatAU
— Apolo (@PK_APOSTOLI) October 5, 2022
Him: What do you for in your free time?
Her: Things that I can do by myself! I’m introverted.
#TheRealLoveBoatAU pic.twitter.com/PXSjgt7ANB— Whiskey Tango Foxtrot (@LeahJayK) October 5, 2022
The show ended with a recoupling, but this time it was the blokes who got to choose a new lass. We also learned that an intruder would be boarding the cruise in tomorrow night’s episode, so we have that to look forward to.
Alternatively, you can binge watch this mesmerisingly dog shit show when you’re hungover on 10Play.