The Challenge Australia premiere is over and my head hurts. I don’t know if it’s because I have a cold and my nose is all blocked and congested or if it’s from the sheer chaos and cookery that was Channel Ten’s latest reality TV series, but either way I am in pain.

I say this not to elicit pity and empathy, but because I imagine it’s a similar kind of torment which The Challenge Australia‘s contestants experienced in this clusterfuck of an episode. In 60 minutes, we saw people cheat on their IRL partners, scream the house boots down and complete challenges I literally refuse to try and understand. There was a lot of running and stairs and tying gigantic bits of rope together — three things I imagine would’ve been staples on a pirate ship back in the day.

Twitter, as always, had thoughts and feelings. But before we dive in, I recommend reading our iconic, jaw-dropping and life-changing The Challenge Australia recap first.

All caught up? Good. Let’s begin.

The first mind-boggling nugget of drama came by way of former reality TV girlies Cyrell Paule (Married at First Sight) and Audrey Kanongora (Love Island) going balls to the wall over the etiquette of dibbsing a bed.

Cyclone Cyrell as she’s known because, well, she kind of has a track record for unleashing hurricane-level sprays at folks, was the one to kick off. Basically, Audrey whacked her heels on a bed to bags it and Cyrell fanged a t-shirt over said heels to prove the mattress was, in fact, hers for the sleeping.

Cyrell started screaming at Audrey that the “first challenge” was to dibs a bed using a t-shirt given to them by The Challenge Australia. This was not true and if such a challenge were to exist, everyone else would’ve been planting pieces of merchandise on beds like it was going out of fashion. But they were not.

The internet laughed at Cyrell being Cyrell, for it truly made fantastic television.

Sleeping arrangement tantrums done and dusted, it was time for contestants to buddy up. The people of Twitter were praying that Brooke Blurton and Brooke Jowett, who were on The Bachelorette and Survivor respectively, would form some sort of united Brooke front.

People were also just losing their nut at the fact Brooke Jowett was back on their telly screens. I’ve never been a Survivor girlie so I have no opinions on the matter but I love the enthusiasm.

The challenges started and they were what one would expect from a television show called The Challenge Australia. For some reason contestants had to run up and down stairs at a stadium and drop big, coloured discs on a mat.

Did it make sense? No. Was Twitter sitting on their ass watching this rogue fitness challenge at home? Yes.

Arguably the pièce de résistance of the episode was Ciarran Stott announcing he wanted to leave his root ratting ways behind him and prove to the world he’s a changed man.

He even gave a special shoutout to his gorgeous girlfriend Ruby Burciaga. Cute! Unfortunately, several minutes later he hopped in the shower with Audrey and the pair “fooled around”. I refuse to understand what this could mean.

Ciarran announced last week he was going sober because some of the “biggest mistakes I’ve made in life come when I consume alcohol and drugs”. I genuinely hope it works out for him and wish him all the best, but the comedic timing of bidding adieu to your root rat ways and then hopping in the shower with Audrey (who, let the record show, also has a partner at home) is impeccable.

Twitter agreed this was superb.

Something that was just as hilarious was the fact this “fool around” scandal lasted, like, eight seconds max. I’m genuinely not even joking — Ciarran joined Audrey in the shower, he hopped out a few seconds later, then they both delivered YouTube influencer-style apology videos by way of confessionals. Jeffree Star has been found shaking.

In two shakes of a lamb’s tail, it was time for an elimination challenge, which basically consisted of two teams tying ropes into a ‘yuge mess, and then unravelling the other team’s knots. It was Cyrell and Australia’s Got Talent‘s Jack Vidgen against Suzan Mutesi, who is apparently an actress an influencer, and boxer Billy Dibb.

The internet didn’t want Cyrell and Jack to skedaddle ‘cos they’re noted tea and drama bringers.

And guess what! Cyrell and Jack won. Messiness and chaos stay winning, folks.

You can watch The Challenge Australia on 10Play.

Image: The Challenge / Network Ten