Here’s the thing: The Block, to me, is idle ASMR. After a big day clanking away on the keyboard, I love to log off and listen to some dumbass hammer nails for an hour while they complain about how much painting they have to do. Every ten seconds or so I mutter “jeez that’s a big job” under my breath, an act which is slowly killing my long-term relationship. Occasionally Scott Cam says something problematic. Lather, rinse, repeat. My brain is a shimmering, perfectly smooth ball while this happens. The most controversial thing that’s ever happened on The Block, prior to this week, has been which one of you bastards stole a sheet of my Gyprock. No stakes. That’s the name of the game.

But all that’s changed now. Because out of nowhere, The Block has mystifyingly become the spiciest show on TV. Forget The Bachelor – that is child’s play by comparison. This season of The Block has five-alarm spice. Muy picante. And it’s all due to a photo that may or may not have existed.

For those of you who aren’t watching this season – and, frankly, for those of you who are and are thoroughly confused by everything – here’s a quick rundown of the shit that has summarily hit the fan.

Firstly, it’s a “Fans v Faves” season this year, pitting three teams of new contestants against two All Star “faves” couples.

There’s Josh & Luke, identical twins and former Love Island contestants whose series highlights thus far include “fucking around and never finding out” and “pissing off for a night to go smash bikkies at Revs until 10am.”

Married couple Tanya, who has purple hair, and Vito, who is a coward.

Jesse & Kirsty, an ostensibly normal couple tucked away in a giant house located around 5km from the other Block sites who are subsequently seen on screen about once a week.

Ronnie & Georgia, the quote-unquote “villains” from 2017’s Elsternwick season, currently embarking on one of the great redemption arcs in Australian TV history.

And Mitch & Mark, who were subjected to wildly homophobic passive aggression in 2019’s Oslo Hotel season, so fucked if we know why they agreed to come back for round two.

Got that? Good.

The story goes that at some point, someone – an anonymous tradie – acquired a photo of the series’ production schedule. As in, a giant whiteboard that has the entire build, week-to-week mapped out. Contestants, by rule, are not told which room they’ll be completing on any given week until the very last minute. So having access to that schedule provides a significant leg up on the competition.

That tradie – a mystery person the identity of whomst is yet to be uncovered – forwarded it to Tanya. Who then forwarded it to Josh & Luke. Who then used it to forward plan a massive house layout switch for their master bedroom, which included gaining council approval, and delivered a week-winning room, collecting $10,000 along the way.

Other contestants reportedly knew about the schedule photo, but things only blew up in week three when Ronnie & Georgia decided, quite rightly, that it was bullshit.

Josh & Luke – who have the air of two boys who have never felt any consequences for anything they’ve ever done wrong – immediately copped to having and using the schedule, but acted like they’d been stabbed in the ass when people became fairly displeased about it.

Tanya, for her part, simply denied any knowledge of the incident for LITERAL DAYS in an ignorance play that can only be described as “extremely bloody weird.”

And Vito, who seems to be allergic to confrontation, spent the week hiding ten feet away from any other living soul while complaining about the presence of cameras on the set of this TV show of which he is a cast member.

That, combined with a deeply ill-timed Body Corporate meeting over, of all things, a pool hole, lead to this:

Christ alive.

This is the Hammer Show, for god’s sake. And now we’ve got a verbal barney worthy of the most soul-wrenchingly tense episode of MAFS.

So who’s at fault here? Hard to say (Tanya). It could be anyone, really (it’s Tanya). There’s so many elements to the saga (it’s absolutely Tanya).

It’s been truly staggering watching Tanya and Vito, ostensibly a normal couple trying to do something that scores of former Block contestants before them have done without incident, demolish their own good will in record time.

The super dumb thing is, they almost salvaged it! Tanya, of her own volition, prostrated herself at each other team individually, apologising for her role in the scandal. That said, she did so while using bandying the phrase “my truth” around willy nilly.

And as we all know, “my truth” is just a fun little thing you say when you’re lying, but don’t want to feel bad about it.

Vito, it should be noted, did not embark on this apology tour with his wife. Presumably, he was back on site vomiting in a bucket because he had to source a refund on a food delivery mix up.

The point is, somehow The Block is the spiciest show on TV right now. And it’s not even close.

Is this a good thing? Who bloody knows. I hate it, and I can’t get enough. Give me more, and keep it away from me. I simply must know the exact and thorough goss behind this entirely pointless scandal.

All this over a hammer and a coupla nails, hey. Who would’ve thought.