The good thing about the U.S. versions of the Bachelor and Bachelorette franchises is that they have gone on so long, and the American people have developed such an insatiable bloodlust for drama, that the people who they choose to be contestants end up being completely batshit bonkers.

The fellas competing in the new season of The Bachelorette have been announced, and they’ve come with little profiles which I guess are supposed to be light and fun, but end up being like frenzied dispatches from Hell itself. I’ll let this tweet basically sum up social media’s attitude to these bios.

Let me kick off with my absolute favourite one. Diggy, 31, shared his fun one night stand story.

The Bios For The U.S. ‘Bachelorette’ Boys Are Out & They Are Totally Insane


Tell us a fun story about a one night stand. I spent all day with this girl and she ended up coming home with me and we had sex. She then received a text saying her brother was missing, so I played asleep so I didn’t have to help!

You, uh, what? Diggy I’m afraid that your fun one night stand story actually makes you seem like a sociopath. Easy mistake to make, but there it is.

Behold Jamey – a man with a bafflingly misspelled name, a serial killer stare and a bio which should basically cause any right-thinking woman to turn 180 degrees and walk right out the door.

The Bios For The U.S. ‘Bachelorette’ Boys Are Out & They Are Totally Insane

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? I am trying to not make plans in life.

Describe your best friend of the opposite sex and why she/she deserves that title: I do not have female friends.

Right. OK.

Kenny knows what’s up, though:

The Bios For The U.S. ‘Bachelorette’ Boys Are Out & They Are Totally Insane

What’s the wildest thing you’ve done in the bedroom? Had sex with a wife while her husband watched.

Nice, dude.

Behold Alex – a man so exciting and full of life that he is only capable of naming two musical acts – Coldplay and The Beatles.

Or what about Jonathan, a man who lists his occupation as ‘Tickle Monster’. TICKLE MONSTER.

The Bios For The U.S. ‘Bachelorette’ Boys Are Out & They Are Totally Insane

God help the woman who will be dealing with these dudes.

Source: The Bachelorette.