Ohhhhhhhhhhh my giddy aunt tonight’s episode of The Bachelors was truly one of the most bonkers things my big, beautiful brown eyes have ever had the displeasure of witnessing. Fans of the show are also traumatised but I am guessing they all have different coloured irises, thus I cannot include them in the joke.
Basically, the contestants were asked to invite someone of their choosing along to a big ol’ group lunch date with King of the Root Rats, King of Off Ya Tree and King of Hemp Milk Lattes.
Almost everyone invited a sibling or a mate but, obviously, Jess invited her boyfriend Damien.
Damien was supportive and normal and so was … Felix. SHOCKING, I know. I genuinely thought he would take the bloke into the toilet and give him a swirlie but no, Felix was actually being respectful and understanding.
People were genuinely gobsmacked that they were not hating Felix. They were shook to their core I tell you, SHOOK.
— dr mimi petrakis 🦇 (@MimiPetrakis) January 17, 2023
why is this episode making me like felix? can't wait for him to ruin that #TheBachelorsAU— taryn | wanda maximoff apologist 🐝 (@thereafter) January 17, 2023
Weirdly this is the most I’ve liked Felix so far. It’s not much, but it’s definitely more than we’ve seen so far. #TheBachelorsAU— jordyn ~ she/her (@eversincegxlden) January 17, 2023
this episode has me so confused that im starting to like Felix 😭 #TheBachelorsAU— sam 🦋 (@ssameeyra) January 17, 2023
Fuck, stop making me think I like Felix! #TheBachelorsAU— Beck (not the musician, the other one) (@Beckecek) January 17, 2023
Nooo noo noooooo Felix need to do something dumb and not make sense! #TheBachelorsAU— Abi (Taylor’s version) (@abilovestv) January 17, 2023
The rest of the lunch was bamboozling to say the least. It basically consisted of Felix confirming he’s monogamous and Damien telling everyone that he’s in love with Jess, who made it clear that she is still figuring out what she wants in a relationship.
Was it the most awkward footage that’s ever been aired on a reality dating show? Yes. Did fans watching at home want to scream into the abyss? Also yes.
WHAT am I watching? At this stage I would welcome the old Honey Badger days of this show. #TheBachelorsAU— Amy Lang (@amy_spilkin) January 17, 2023
This is so deeply awkward #TheBachelorsAU
— Sass 🕰 (@supergirl_sass) January 17, 2023
This episode is gonna pop into my mind at 2am like some cringey uncomfortable paralysis demon #TheBachelorsAU— Caitlyn C (@CaitlynHenness8) January 17, 2023
The whole thing was ludicrous and it’s clear it won’t be resolved anytime soon because Jess and Damien had a “conscious conversation” about the situation and it went nowhere. Seriously, she said that her options are to either pick Felix and dump Damien, leave the show and be with Damien or have “two boyfriends in a consenting way”. But she also said at the deeply fucked lunch that she doesn’t want two boyfriends.
Anyway! Not my circus, nor my monkeys. She got a rose because the producers probably thought they ate with this whole storyline and want to keep it going until this bizarre season ends.
But at least we’re halfway through! Yes, The Bachelors literally premiered last week and it’s almost time to fuck it off already.
If you want the full rundown of tonight’s episode, you can read our iconic recap here.