We’re only three episodes into the new season of The Bachelors, and shit sandwiches are being delivered left, right and centre.
On today’s menu: the guy who we thought was the most tolerable of the three, Thomas Malucelli, is actually a vapid MLM douche who posted a seven-minute-long breakup video with his ex, Brittany Onorato.
Buckle in, this is going to be one of the weirdest things you watch today.
The video, unearthed by So Dramatic!, features Malucelli wearing sunglasses for the entire duration as his ex, Onorato, spoke about vulnerability, transformations, and breakups.
“Today we decided to come live,” Onorato began the seven-minute stream. An excellent start.
“A lot of people would look at us and our relationship and think: ‘You’re so lucky. You have the most perfect relationship.’ But what they didn’t know is that we went through a lot of struggles, a lot of hard times”, Onorato said.
“And in January of this year, we actually decided to break up. It’s now June. We’ve been broken up for six months. It’s going to come as a bit of a shock to a lot of people.”
“The thing about relationships is that when you’ve got the things that aren’t working, you need to work on them together, and that’s not something we were doing — we weren’t working on the things we had to work on.” You can’t make this up, folks.
At first glance, it’s easy to see Tommy and Britters and say, “Wowee, what a pair of fuckwits.” But don’t worry, your criticism is totally justified.
In a 2020 interview with the Millennial Success podcast, Malucelli and Onorato made headlines for being a “power couple that specialises in network marketing through a health and wellness company called ISAGENIX.”
For those not playing at home, ISAGENIX is actually a pyramid scheme. The controversial multi-level marketing company is known for their weight loss supplements, shakes, and ‘elixirs’.
In 2019, the Bachelor won $90,000 in prize money after winning an Isagenix body transformation contest. In fact, So Dramatic! has speculated that his stint on Bachie is to potentially promote his alt-health personal branding.
There’s now heavy speculation that his stint on Bachie is actually to promote his alt-health personal branding, as reported by So Dramatic! Biiiiig yikes.
It’s then hardly surprising to consider the level of delusion that goes behind a video like this — after all, there are probably four brain cells powering them both combined.
Meanwhile, the seven-minute-long fever dream continued.
After several minutes of nodding, politely smiling, and sunglass-wearing while Onorato spoke of learning experiences, struggles, and work, work, work, Malucelli finally spoke.
“I’m so happy Brittany came into my life. But the thing that sometimes happens in relationships is that you grow so much as a person and a human being, that it can make you grow apart,” Malucelli said without even looking at his ex.
But what’s an influencer breakup without a bit of self-help? “For everyone watching right now who might be in a relationship that’s just ‘okay’, how fulfilled do you feel?” Onoratto said.
“Both of us know we deserve more. I hope you feel inspired if you’re watching this… and you’re taking action to make it better. You deserve to be happy now.”
After speaking for almost four minutes straight, she turned to Thomas. “Is there anything you want to say?” He smiled and shook his head, his sunglasses still on.
All I can say is… HUH?!
So with all of the Bachelors now firmly ruined, I guess we’ll just tune in each week to see Osh’s cute face. Nothing new, really.
