I love these shorter episodes of The Bachelors, you guys! Keep it to the point, you know? The point being, get rid of everyone whose name I have NFI about and have some controversial drama where whosy tells whatsy that so and so fucked a Bachie.

Speaking of, WHERE IS THE FUCKING. Weren’t we promised fucking? I thought that was the point of Biohazard Plaza up there in the skyscraper. I want SEX and I want DRAMA CENTRED AROUND SEX AS LONG AS IT’S NOT MISOGYNISTIC THANK YOU.

Speaking of, Biohazard Plaza is where Oshie has shown up to chat through where the men are at. Jed is at “disassociation”, apparently:

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It’s giving “GET ME OUT OF HERE”

He’s fully tapped out, hey. The man wants O-U-T.

Meanwhile Meditation Daddy has leaned in so hard he’s “fallen in love with three women”. THREE WOMEN!!! THOMAS!!! That wasn’t the idea!!

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Each of my chakras love different women

He says one of these women is “Lauren“, which I am skeptical about since I still couldn’t pick her out of a lineup. They head out on a romantic single date to what looks like a caravan park with a nice view, and the crew have generously (not) provided not a personal bartender, but one box with spicy margarita mix inside. Hahahaha they literally have to MAKE THEIR DATE DRINKS. Surely the producers are trolling us now.

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Welcome to Clancy’s Cosy Caravan Park!!!

Felix has taken Tilly go-karting because a) the producers have fully tapped out with his dates since he’s clearly not emotionally ready for anything serious and b) because all he and Tilly have done since they met is grind sexually in well-lit parts of the Bachelor mansion.

I’ve never been more invested in two people who aren’t famous, who I do not know, fucking each other. I NEED THEM TO FUCK. Why??? Am I ovulating? Are we all feeling this way? Please tell me please.

Regardless, Sealy is absolutely not here to fuck!!! It’s like he got saved at Hillsong I swear to god. The man has totally 180-d on Tilly and keeps borderline SHOVING her off when she tries to cuddle and kiss him, which is some seriously mixed messages for her.

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“you know what’s really sexy? Praying”

Back over at Clancy’s Caravan Park, Meditation Daddy wants “Lauren” to open up about her feelings more. She says this doesn’t come naturally to her on a top-rating Australian reality show where she has NFI if she’s going to be brutally dumped in 24 hours. You don’t say!!!

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Feeling real good about opening up on national TV

Anyway she sort of opens up, then he says he’s GOING TO PROPOSE which is FUCKING INSANITY. This is seriously unhinged. You cannot be saying you’re going to propose but you are also in love with three women. “Lauren” hedges the question of whether she’ll say yes if it’s her by saying “I’ll be saying yes to my future” which is akin to a promise ring tbh, but sure.

Anyway somewhere off-screen SOMETHING must have happened with these two because they’re banging on about being a perfect match and there being no concerns or problems???? When did Meditation Daddy even realise “Lauren” existed? It feels like it was 48 hours ago.

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Come here, Whatsy, you sexy thing

Over to Jed who has been forced yet again to conquer his fears for no other reason than for great television purposes. THIS POOR MAN.

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The Bachelors: Shitpants Edition

He tells us he’s being completely not-cool on these dates where he’s crying while dangling from skyscrapers and so on. But he likes doing it with Alesia, who he tells us he’s falling in love with. To her, he says “I can see myself falling in love with you” and she tells him she really likes him. This is a far more normal exchange to be having on this show, unlike old Marriage Daddy out here.

Felix and Tilly have gone back to the biohazard pad to fuck. Kidding!!! I WISH IT WAS TO FUCK instead it’s so Mr. Hillsong can talk about his feeeeeelings and does Tilly have any feeeeeelings for him? Are they emotionally in-tune?

The answer is absolutely fucking not but also is Felix in tune with ANYONE right now? No because he might actually just be a sex robot the show created. I don’t buy this new mature Felix for a second. Tilly’s like:

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what is the sex version of lovebombing coz you just did it

Next it’s morning and the Bachelors are trying to think of a super romantic way to invite the ladies to dinner, so they settle on scrawling ugly texta signs they stick on the windows.

The Bachelors Recap: I Have That Feeling Like When You Almost Orgasm But Then You Don’t
nothing says romance like barely legible window signs

Everyone goes to dinner, it’s lovely. Then Bella says they should play ‘Never Have I Ever’ but honestly it’s not that exciting bar someone asking if any of them plan on “doing a Honey Badger” and Felix pipes up. He says at one point maybe, but now he’s pretty confident he wants a relationship.

THAT talking point turns into another grilling sesh of Jess.

Everyone wants to know what her ideal plan looks like for the future, and she’s basically saying if Felix picks her she’ll dump Damien and ride off into the sunset with him, but she wants to be with someone who is open to the possibility of an open relationship, which is a lot of “opens” in one sentence.

Everyone is still riled up about Jess and her open relationship desires, even though she’s been fully transparent about it this whole time (albeit a bit confused along the way). But there’s NO TIME, you guys!!! No time to dwell! Because Osher busts out of the drywall to tell us that PSYCHEEEEE!! This wasn’t a NICE DINNER PARTY. It was a fucking rose ceremony!

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bad screengrab or drywall in his eyes, you’ll never know

Each Bach will hand out three roses to their ladies, which means one from each Bach will go home. This is Bachelors chaos and I love it.

First to give a rose is Meditation Daddy, who barely wastes one second before rushing over to “Lauren”. Alesia gets one too, der. Anyway Thomas is RUSHING through it, with Leah getting one. Felix gives Abigail one. Some other person gets one, who is this???

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is this show just inserting new women each episode now?

Then Jed’s down to his final rose – will it be whatsy or Bella? To be honest I expected Bella since, well, I KNOW HER NAME, but in a stunning twist, Jed gives whatsy a rose while Bella watches uncomfortably from an armchair.

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Alesia with the “oh dolls, this is not good” side-eye

Bella’s leaving is actually really sweet (or am I just so bored by this episode that anything enthuses me) because Jed passionately tells her to never change for anyone, and that he’s sorry she isn’t staying etc, and Bella is all “we’ll always have our dumb couple tattoos”. They really do seem like good mates.

Then it’s Meditation Daddy’s turn to pick between GC Gwyneth and Jasmine, which is like the easiest choice since GC Gwynnie is so aligned with his chakra’s they may as well be spiritually married, while Jas is someone he’s known for 2 hours.

GC Gwynnie gets it which means we get to see Jas walk around like a very glamorous, very drunk scorned wife considering murdering her husband.

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*singsong voice* ohhhhh Thomaaaas, I’ve made your favourite driiiiink

I think her line in the car of “it’s heartbreaking because I was really starting to fall for that boy” says it all. THE MAN IS THIRTY-EIGHT. Anyway loved Jas, but she was way too young for M Daddy.

Anyway what we were all waiting for – will Felix pick Our Saviour Krystal (the right choice), or Tilly The Sex Goddess (only the wrong choice bc she’s up against Krystal). Tilly is freaking out and Alesia, who seems to be everyone’s best friend right now??? tells her she needs to go show him this vulnerable side NOW, at the final hour. That’ll fix everything.

The Bachelors Recap: I Have That Feeling Like When You Almost Orgasm But Then You Don’t
My face when I’m trying to get into the next pub seeming sober but I’m trashed

Actually, normally that WOULD fix everything on this show, and for a long minute I thought they were going to do Krystal SO dirty. I like Tilly and I would have been into her sticking around if it came down to her and literally anyone else, but Krystal is now my girl in a weird, recap-parasocial-relationship kind of way.

So IMAGINE MY THRILL when, despite all the music suggesting otherwise, Felix walks up to Krystal with a rose!!! Will she stick around to finale? God no! Am I glad she’s here for at least one more episode? Fuck yes!

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THANK GOD

Tilly is devastated and Mr. Hillsong walks her outside to basically tell her, I shit you not, that if he was “old Felix” from the start of the show he would have picked her because she’s the kind of girl he always went for, but he’s matured and changed.

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do NOT cry over this man, my gal

Mr. Hillsong is out here literally saying “you’re the kind of girl I’d have fucked when I was a player”. AAAAAAAAAGHHHH I HATE IT. I wanted her to punch him square in the nose! I sense some tyres that might need slashing and as we all know, I am the woman for that job.

Anyway, Tilly if you need me I’m here with my little Swiss Army Knife at the ready.

Melissa Mason is a freelance writer, you can find her on Insta and TikTok.

Image: The Bachelors / Channel 10