We did, folks. We finally made it to The Bachelors finale. I almost started weeping with relief. My cat was in ecstasy. My relatives in Italy who have no idea that the finale is airing were yelling.
And the good people of Twitter were relieved.
It’s nearly over, thank goodness #TheBachelorsAU— Jack (@JackSanur) January 29, 2023
Well. We made it kids. #thebachelorsau pic.twitter.com/ek6iFHQMQP— Ira Snave (@IraSnave) January 29, 2023
final episode guys #TheBachelorsAU pic.twitter.com/jFclfChial— emma cooper εїз (@emmaangelx) January 29, 2023
Alright guys, it’s been a pleasure. Let’s have this shit show end #TheBachelorsAU— Caitlyn C (@CaitlynHenness8) January 29, 2023
Ok everyone, we’ve made it. I know it’s only been like 2 (3) weeks? But Christ it feels like we’ve been battling for YEARS #TheBachelorsAU— Steph the sarcastic sequin (@Steph_Simmons89) January 29, 2023
Having a conscious conversation with myself about whether or not I can sit through this final episode of the #TheBachelorsAU— Helena Dominish (@HelenaDominish) January 29, 2023
The episode started with the usual routine of our Bachelors pacing sombrely in a room and talking about how their lives were about to change. Anko Machine Gun Kelly said something about how performing for thousands of people was no sweat but proposing to a woman he’s known for less than three months made him want to shit himself.
It wasn’t the second sentiment that people had thoughts and feelings on, but the first: has Jed really drummed for thousands of people? Thousands? Because our tin foil hats were firmly on.
“Playing for a few thousand people”— Ira Snave (@IraSnave) January 29, 2023
Oh. Jed. #thebachelorsau pic.twitter.com/pbSXKfDH5w
Jed a few thousand? You sure maybe not a few hundred?#TheBachelorsAU pic.twitter.com/a5DA7ZsWFO— 𝐃𝐲𝐥𝐚𝐧 𝐌𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐰𝐬 (@DylanMatthews91) January 29, 2023
The only normal man on this godforsaken show Osher then appeared to give Hemp Milk Latte Lover, Haver Of An Iconic Mother Felix and Anko MGK a pep talk. It was giving bromance and besties until the very end. Twitter thought the fellas had more chemistry together than they did with any of the women on the show.
My favourite love story this year has been between the three boys #TheBachelorsAU— Bridgette (@Didge_22) January 29, 2023
the bromance between these 3 is so sweet, i hope they continue to stay friends after this #TheBachelorsAU— tamsyn ♡ (@tamsynkelly_) January 29, 2023
the only believable polyamorous romance in this entire season so far #TheBachelorsAU pic.twitter.com/zM0GwMymZz— Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) January 29, 2023
The lads look happier with each other than they do with any of the women. I think they should all get married and live in a little house together. #TheBachelorsAU— Elyce Phillips (@ElycePhillips) January 29, 2023
Eagle-eyed folks also noticed that Thomas and Jed were wearing white while Felix was in blue, which SURELY meant he was the bloke who wasn’t going to drop down on one knee? This foreshadowing!
If my years of studying English Literature in Years 11 and 12 taught me anything, it was that colours equal symbolism. The Great Gatsby has been found shaking.
two of these idiots are wearing white— taryn | wanda maximoff apologist 🐝 (@thereafter) January 29, 2023
is this code???? #TheBachelorsAU
So these suit colours are just confirming who’s proposing right? #TheBachelorsAU— Lauren (@hookreads) January 29, 2023
Why is felix in blue? The other 2 are in white…#TheBachelorsAU— Ainsley … Jade (@ainsleyjade__) January 29, 2023
Jed and Thomas were sure as shit who they were going to choose while the newest member of the Blue Man Group Felix, as always, was confused. People were convinced he was going to Honey Badgerit, which is now a verb after Nick Cummins‘ little display way back when.
We all agree Felix is going to pull a Honey Badger, right? Like, we’re all on the same page re whether that is going to happen? #TheBachelorsAU
— Jodi McAlister (@JodiMcA) January 29, 2023
I think Felix is going to do a honey badger and not pick anyone #TheBachelorsAU— Cara (@CLGreality9) January 29, 2023
Felix is going to do a badger #TheBachelorsAU— Abi (Taylor’s version) (@abilovestv) January 29, 2023
Felix going to Honey Badger #TheBachelorsAU— Bulkan Evcimen (@bulkanevcimen) January 29, 2023
Wouldn’t surprise me if Felix does a Homey Badger #TheBachelorsAU— Erin (@erin_star_) January 29, 2023
Blah blah blah Damien was there for the sole reason to be dumped on national television by Jess and then I blinked and Thomas rejected Lauren. I am not even joking, it happened within seconds. Twitter was in disbelief over how quickly he cut the cord.
He dead-ass was like, “I’m so sorry but you’re not the one,” and they hugged and that was that. We were shook.
WHAT ???? they’re doing it so quickly #TheBachelorsAU— liza👩❤️💋👩 (@mtbymuscato) January 29, 2023
Wow this editing and Thomas straightforwardness no wonder this show has only taken 6 weeks #TheBachelorsAU— KLB_be_drawing (@klb2895) January 29, 2023
That was the quickest rejection in bach history wtf #TheBachelorsAU— ru (@BubyReer) January 29, 2023
OH MY GOD WHY IS THIS SO RUSHED? #TheBachelorsAU— emma cooper εїз (@emmaangelx) January 29, 2023
WAIT WHAT DID THOMAS REALLY JUST GIVE HER A ONE SENTENCE BREAKUP#TheBachelor #TheBachelorsAU— Chloe (@thatchloechick) January 29, 2023
THERE ISN'T EVEN SUSPENSE FOR THE RUNNER UPS, ARE YOU KIDDING ME #THEBACHELORSAU— 🤡Reality TV Talk~#thebachelorau (@BBAU_BANTER) January 29, 2023
There wasn’t even a limo with the soundbites, which is the absolute least the producers of The Bachelors could give us. Folks were fuming.
They did even bother to rent a limo for her to step out of #TheBachelorsAU pic.twitter.com/XEAYOyQfiL— Matilda Boseley (@MatildaBoseley) January 29, 2023
Lauren didn’t seem too bothered by the rejection but no limo ride with sound bites??— Just Sue.🇺🇦 (@SueKennedy19) January 29, 2023
Oh my God, I didn’t even have time to start shaking because Thomas proposed to Leah and when the producers asked what they were most looking forward to doing as a couple, the bloke said: “Have sex.”
Like, obviously every man and his dog was thinking they’d be fanging for a root, but no one expected him to ACTUALLY SAY IT.
Well then Thomas… #TheBachelorsAU— Annie (@DeyesSuggy) January 29, 2023
At least he's honest bahahha #TheBachelorsAU— Mia Janice (@Chompisaurus) January 29, 2023
When the producer asked what they are excited to do as a couple I yelled HAVE SEX but I didn’t expect him to say it. Have to respect the honesty! #TheBachelorsAU pic.twitter.com/MT0QAdyqmR— Kristy Lee ✨ (@Kristy_Lee_) January 29, 2023
The next woman to be dumped on national television was Angela and it was honestly fucking excruciating to witness.
Jed was literally like, “We cannot be together due to scheduling conflicts,” which is simply the worst excuse to dump someone. Mans was treating it like a work meeting which is impossible to lock down, or, like, me trying to negotiate a new parcel delivery date with Australia Post.
Also, he did it in a … church? I am not a religious person but SURELY that is a terrible breakup setting. It wouldn’t shock me to learn that my deceased, extremely Catholic relatives all rolled over in their graves.
Anyway, the good people of Twitter were NOT having it. #TeamAngela.
we are Judging this reasoning Jed is giving rn #TheBachelorsAU pic.twitter.com/qB5yhBibpy— stella | vibing 💖💜💙 (@stelle_woods) January 29, 2023
Jed breaking up with this chick due to scheduling conflicts bahaha #TheBachelorsAU— Anya (@ajdoz17) January 29, 2023
Angela's face is just like WHAT the actualllll fuck #TheBachelorsAU— Gabriella Rinaldo (@grinaldo__) January 29, 2023
no this is awful somehow more fucked them thomas’s two sentence breakup #TheBachelorsAU— Elizabeth (@__elizabet_h) January 29, 2023
worst breakup ever #TheBachelorsAU— Caitlyn (@CaitlynVernem) January 29, 2023
Oof, that was not a great breakup Jed.#TheBachelorsAU— Ultra Tea Time (@UltraTeaTime) January 29, 2023
Ditching someone is bad enough but to do it in church?— Nez 🇺🇦 (@fraggle73) January 29, 2023
DUMPED IN A WEDDING CHAPEL, NO LESS. #TheBachelorsAU— Toots: email@example.com | The Guidefather 👍🇦🇺📺 (@SteveMolk) January 29, 2023
Jedddddd that was a bit of a copout mate #TheBachelorsAU— jordyn ~ she/her (@eversincegxlden) January 29, 2023
Omg Jed. That is the worst excuse to dump someone, especially in a church lol. #TheBachelorsAU— shxvani. (@fourleafc_lover) January 29, 2023
Someone pass her the communion wine #TheBachelorsAU pic.twitter.com/M00wp26KhM— The Bitchelorette (@BitcheloretteAU) January 29, 2023
I felt for Angela, especially after Jed literally told her he was falling in love with her after he met her family. YOU CAN’T DO THAT AND THEN DUMP HER, BROTHER. WE ALL BEEN KNEW.
Jed you probably shouldn’t have said you loved her last date… #TheBachelorsAU— KLB_be_drawing (@klb2895) January 29, 2023
HE LITERALLY TOLD ANGELA HES FALLING FOR HER LIKE WHAT? #TheBachelorsAU— emma cooper εїз (@emmaangelx) January 29, 2023
they both said they were falling in love with each other and then jed does this AHHH poor angela i’m so sorry #TheBachelorsAU— tamsyn ♡ (@tamsynkelly_) January 29, 2023
Angela, as she should, went off at Jed for his bullshit excuse. The internet was applauding her.
GO IN, ANGELA!!!!!!!!!!! #TheBachelorsAU— taryn | wanda maximoff apologist 🐝 (@thereafter) January 29, 2023
Yes Angela sweetie, tell him. Hold him accountable because wtf Jed#TheBachelor #TheBachelorsAU— Chloe (@thatchloechick) January 29, 2023
i am loving angela questioning jed's bullshit answer— taryn | wanda maximoff apologist 🐝 (@thereafter) January 29, 2023
go sis #TheBachelorsAU
Oh wow she’s pissed, have we ever seen somone go off after being dumped? #TheBachelorsAU— Noah (@noahyard) January 29, 2023
Then it was time for Jed to propose to Alésia, who famously did not want to be proposed to. I completely zoned out of their entire conversation because my cat started crying about something (probably about The Bachelors finale), so I have no idea what they discussed.
From what I can understand, Alésia was like, “Nah,” and then the engagement ring turned into … a promise ring? And he was all like, “I hear you!” about how she didn’t want to be engaged, but Twitter was convinced that he did not, in fact, hear her.
"i hear you" NO YOU DONT JED ? #TheBachelorsAU— emma cooper εїз (@emmaangelx) January 29, 2023
Not sure you did hear her Jed #TheBachelorsAU— Lauren (@hookreads) January 29, 2023
"i hear you" YOU CLEARLY DON'T #TheBachelorsAU— lauryn (@laurynstweets) January 29, 2023
“I hear you” says Jed, who apparently does not hear her cause he proposed anyway lmao #TheBachelorsAU— Steph the sarcastic sequin (@Steph_Simmons89) January 29, 2023
They were also stoked that she stood her ground and refused to cop the engagement. A true queen. Pour one out for her Rivers polo-obsessed Dad who absolutely hated Jed’s peroxide guts.
Quite literally obsessed with Alesia not just saying yes for a ring and the “fairytale”. We need more Alesia’s on Australian TV #TheBachelorsAU— Nat Sinclair (@nat_sinclair93) January 29, 2023
Okay very proud of Alesia for not bowing to the entire production pressure and accepting the proposal 👏👏 #TheBachelorsAU #TheBachelorAU
— dr mimi petrakis 🦇 (@MimiPetrakis) January 29, 2023
Then it was time for Felix to choose either Jess or Abigail, and the moment was interrupted by … a paparazzi drone? HAHAHAHAH we were all screaming.
Twitter said it literally got more airtime than poor ol’ Lauren and I was howling.
Not the drone PLS 💀 #TheBachelorsAU— • ocean blvd • (@starsxdancex) January 29, 2023
what the flying fuck is going on #TheBachelorsAU— Caitlyn (@CaitlynVernem) January 29, 2023
Not the drone getting more air time than Thomas's break up #TheBachelorsAU— Lacey-Jade Christie (@laceyjadechrist) January 29, 2023
Oh GET FUCKED #thebachelorsau— Ainsley … Jade (@ainsleyjade__) January 29, 2023
please as if anyone actually cares enough about this show to fly a fucking drone overhead #TheBachelorsAU— alysha ♡ (@intosneedy) January 29, 2023
I knew they were throwing us off with that drone shit. #TheBachelorsAU— Mia Janice (@Chompisaurus) January 29, 2023
Not the drone getting more airtime than Lauren #TheBachelorsAU— SavageValentine (@SavageVal7) January 29, 2023
But then we heard Abigail’s lovely English lilt from behind a tree and it was confirmed that Felix was dumping her from the mansion.
She handled it like an absolute fucking gem and delivered the most scathing, “I don’t do second chances!” zinger when the producer asked her what she’d do if Felix changed his mind.
Everyone was in awe, I tell you. AWE.
“I don’t do second chances” 👌👌👌👌👌👌 go gurl #TheBachelorsAU— Steve (@Tempf8) January 29, 2023
"I don't do second chances!" #TheBachelorsAU pic.twitter.com/kXNB6184FW— Mia Janice (@Chompisaurus) January 29, 2023
+ Abigail “I don’t do second chances” is star. Maybe the next Bachelorette? #TheBachelorsAU— Adriano Di Prato (@AdrianoDiPrato) January 29, 2023
You dropped this … 👑 #TheBachelorsAU pic.twitter.com/4wx2hJCK07— Anna Grewal (@GrewalAnna) January 29, 2023
Then it was time to finalise the Felix and Jess drama which has been plaguing us for WEEKS and I literally reacted like this on Slack because he chose her and then said: “Kiss me like you’re single,” and I vomited. I screamed. I think a little bit of wee came out.
The internet also reacted in a similar fashion. Why must The Bachelors do this to us?
KISS ME LIKE YOU'RE SINGLE HAHAHAH #TheBachelorsAU— KISS ME LIKE UR SINGLE 🤡Reality TV Talk (@BBAU_BANTER) January 29, 2023
“Kiss me like you’re single”— Ira Snave (@IraSnave) January 29, 2023
Genuinely want to poke a corkscrew in my ears #thebachelorsau
“Kiss me like you’re single”.— Emma Searle (@emmajsearle) January 29, 2023
Wow….how….romantic 🤔 #TheBachelorsAU
"Kiss me like you're single" made me laugh, and then vomit a little #TheBachelorsAU— Beck (not the musician, the other one) (@Beckecek) January 29, 2023
‘Kiss me like you’re single.’ Ummmmmmm WHAT #TheBachelorsAU— Kirsty M (@KirstyMac12) January 29, 2023
“Kiss me like I’m single”. FELIX YOU GUYS ARE TOGETHER YOU DUMB OAF #TheBachelorsAU— Steph the sarcastic sequin (@Steph_Simmons89) January 29, 2023
Kiss me like your single 🤮🤮🤮🤮#TheBachelorsAU— Sarah.Sausage (@SarahSausagee) January 29, 2023
Nothing more romantic than "kiss me like your single" #TheBachelorsAU— Tim Cole (@timcole1994) January 29, 2023
But all’s well that ends well because the dumpees shared a champers together and literally said, “LOL I guess we’re the rejects!” but the internet was like, “NO! You are not rejects! You are free to fly like beautiful baby birds who are learning to use their wings!” and it was beautiful. Stunning. It gave me hope.
Aw the 3 rejected girls hanging out #TheBachelorsAU— Cara (@CLGreality9) January 29, 2023
Oh wow. The three dumpees having champagne together is everything. #TheBachelorsAU— Toots: firstname.lastname@example.org | The Guidefather 👍🇦🇺📺 (@SteveMolk) January 29, 2023
"we are rejects now" 🤣🤣🤣🤣#TheBachelorsAU— Mia Janice (@Chompisaurus) January 29, 2023
SECOND THE BEST, BETTER THAN BEING WITH A DOUCHEBAG BABES #theBachelorsAU— Sunny8585 (@Sunny85851) January 29, 2023
ladies, you are not rejects. YOU ARE FREE. YOU ARE LUCKY!!!! #TheBachelorsAU— taryn | wanda maximoff apologist 🐝 (@thereafter) January 29, 2023
NOT THE SINGLE GIRLS HAVING A DRINK TOGETHER #TheBachelorsAU— Jack (@JackSanur) January 29, 2023
NOT THE LADIES WHO WEREN’T PICKED HAVING A WINE😭😭 it’s okay girls theres someone out there for you!! #TheBachelorsAU— tamsyn ♡ (@tamsynkelly_) January 29, 2023
And that was that. Praise be to Baby Cheesus for absolving us from the torment that was The Bachelors.
I can’t believe I’m saying that when I’ll see you tomorrow for Married At First Sight! Yay!
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