We did, folks. We finally made it to The Bachelors finale. I almost started weeping with relief. My cat was in ecstasy. My relatives in Italy who have no idea that the finale is airing were yelling.

And the good people of Twitter were relieved.

The episode started with the usual routine of our Bachelors pacing sombrely in a room and talking about how their lives were about to change. Anko Machine Gun Kelly said something about how performing for thousands of people was no sweat but proposing to a woman he’s known for less than three months made him want to shit himself.

It wasn’t the second sentiment that people had thoughts and feelings on, but the first: has Jed really drummed for thousands of people? Thousands? Because our tin foil hats were firmly on.

The only normal man on this godforsaken show Osher then appeared to give Hemp Milk Latte Lover, Haver Of An Iconic Mother Felix and Anko MGK a pep talk. It was giving bromance and besties until the very end. Twitter thought the fellas had more chemistry together than they did with any of the women on the show.

Eagle-eyed folks also noticed that Thomas and Jed were wearing white while Felix was in blue, which SURELY meant he was the bloke who wasn’t going to drop down on one knee? This foreshadowing!

If my years of studying English Literature in Years 11 and 12 taught me anything, it was that colours equal symbolism. The Great Gatsby has been found shaking.

Jed and Thomas were sure as shit who they were going to choose while the newest member of the Blue Man Group Felix, as always, was confused. People were convinced he was going to Honey Badgerit, which is now a verb after Nick Cummins‘ little display way back when.

Blah blah blah Damien was there for the sole reason to be dumped on national television by Jess and then I blinked and Thomas rejected Lauren. I am not even joking, it happened within seconds. Twitter was in disbelief over how quickly he cut the cord.

He dead-ass was like, “I’m so sorry but you’re not the one,” and they hugged and that was that. We were shook.

There wasn’t even a limo with the soundbites, which is the absolute least the producers of The Bachelors could give us. Folks were fuming.

Oh my God, I didn’t even have time to start shaking because Thomas proposed to Leah and when the producers asked what they were most looking forward to doing as a couple, the bloke said: “Have sex.”

Like, obviously every man and his dog was thinking they’d be fanging for a root, but no one expected him to ACTUALLY SAY IT.

The next woman to be dumped on national television was Angela and it was honestly fucking excruciating to witness.

Jed was literally like, “We cannot be together due to scheduling conflicts,” which is simply the worst excuse to dump someone. Mans was treating it like a work meeting which is impossible to lock down, or, like, me trying to negotiate a new parcel delivery date with Australia Post.

Also, he did it in a … church? I am not a religious person but SURELY that is a terrible breakup setting. It wouldn’t shock me to learn that my deceased, extremely Catholic relatives all rolled over in their graves.

Anyway, the good people of Twitter were NOT having it. #TeamAngela.

I felt for Angela, especially after Jed literally told her he was falling in love with her after he met her family. YOU CAN’T DO THAT AND THEN DUMP HER, BROTHER. WE ALL BEEN KNEW.

Angela, as she should, went off at Jed for his bullshit excuse. The internet was applauding her.

Then it was time for Jed to propose to Alésia, who famously did not want to be proposed to. I completely zoned out of their entire conversation because my cat started crying about something (probably about The Bachelors finale), so I have no idea what they discussed.

From what I can understand, Alésia was like, “Nah,” and then the engagement ring turned into … a promise ring? And he was all like, “I hear you!” about how she didn’t want to be engaged, but Twitter was convinced that he did not, in fact, hear her.

They were also stoked that she stood her ground and refused to cop the engagement. A true queen. Pour one out for her Rivers polo-obsessed Dad who absolutely hated Jed’s peroxide guts.

Then it was time for Felix to choose either Jess or Abigail, and the moment was interrupted by … a paparazzi drone? HAHAHAHAH we were all screaming.

Twitter said it literally got more airtime than poor ol’ Lauren and I was howling.

But then we heard Abigail’s lovely English lilt from behind a tree and it was confirmed that Felix was dumping her from the mansion.

She handled it like an absolute fucking gem and delivered the most scathing, “I don’t do second chances!” zinger when the producer asked her what she’d do if Felix changed his mind.

Everyone was in awe, I tell you. AWE.

Then it was time to finalise the Felix and Jess drama which has been plaguing us for WEEKS and I literally reacted like this on Slack because he chose her and then said: “Kiss me like you’re single,” and I vomited. I screamed. I think a little bit of wee came out.

The Internet Is Vomiting Like It’s Single After That Absolutely Gag-Worthy Bachelors Finale
welcome to my fucked up mind

The internet also reacted in a similar fashion. Why must The Bachelors do this to us?

But all’s well that ends well because the dumpees shared a champers together and literally said, “LOL I guess we’re the rejects!” but the internet was like, “NO! You are not rejects! You are free to fly like beautiful baby birds who are learning to use their wings!” and it was beautiful. Stunning. It gave me hope.

And that was that. Praise be to Baby Cheesus for absolving us from the torment that was The Bachelors.

I can’t believe I’m saying that when I’ll see you tomorrow for Married At First Sight! Yay!

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Image: The Bachelors / Channel 10