OOFT, was that a massive episode of The Bachelorette or was it NOT? I’ll tell ya what, it was. Am I losing my mind? ALSO YES.

We’re down to the pointy end for Angie Kent’s season, and this episode we lost two dudes before hometowns. As always, myself and Josie, my Editor, are recapping for you.

MEL: Hooooo boy what an EPISODE. I am bloody keen for these final couple of weeks, let me tell you. Ok so we started off with all the boys getting dressed up as old codgers for no reason, it seemed. But then the reason became clear – the group date this episode was dance classes with old ladies.

Granddaddy Carlin can GET. IT.

JOSIE: Before we go on, I need to point out that my first thought during this episode was “has Alex actually spoken once this entire season?” It seems like a missed opportunity because he has such a nice friendly face. Anyway, he did finally get to talk a few times this episode which is nice for him and his poor friends and family who have watched this for weeks just waiting for him to get more than 0.2 sec screen time.

MEL: Huge agree, Alex seems like a total legend but has literally been as present as the Bachelor mansion ghost.

JOSIE: Anyway yes, the dance off challenge was the CUTEST thing ever. I love old bats more than anything — my fave show is the Golden Girls for a reason — and these gals did NOT disappoint. Particularly Vola, the horned up lady Timm got paired up with. Absolutely us in 50 years. Us now, tbh.

Fuck yeah Vola flick that suspender you bad bitch

MEL: Vola’s horny energy was a real vibe, as was Ryan’s dance partner who had basically fallen in love with him and was trying to dance them off to Town Hall to get married. I actually loved this challenge, it was hilarious but also a great way to see which guys were nice to old ladies – a big plus for any dude, in my opinion.

JOSIE: But everyone thought Ryan was a little TOO nice – honestly, the pair of them had more chemistry than he has with Angie, don’t you reckon? It was a little unnerving. But Angie still awarded him the single date for his commitment to the cause. Quick shoutout to Carlin’s peachy ass which i could not stop staring at.

you could bounce a tennis ball off it

MEL: It definitely did seem like Ryan was playing a hard game with his dance partner, his loveliness came off as fake to me and it seemed like it did to a lot of the guys too, but clearly not Angie. I second the shout out to Carlin’s peachy ass. Let’s look at it again for… reasons.

JOSIE: Then, to continue with the unnerving theme, Angie and Ryan’s nice date took a real turn when they went down into that weird sex and berries dungeon, didn’t it?

MEL: Omg, it was like one minute they’re deep and meaningfulling about honesty and trust, then next minute it was like… well, CHRIST what the fuck was that? I looked away for one second because we had my dog Millie in the room with us and she was eating bubble wrap, and then I look back and Angie’s UNDOING RYAN’S SHIRT WHILE HE’S BLINDFOLDED?? Legit if that guy didn’t have at least a semi going on, I’m shocked at his ability to keep his hormones in check.

is that a dog lead in your pocket or…

JOSIE: Especially because that strange, busty woman was watching on with a knowing smirk on her face. Very strange. it got even stranger because once all the weird sensory stuff was over they just had a bit of a chat and another snog and she was STILL STANDING THERE SMIRKING.

yes, my children, more saliva

MEL: It was a really alarming thing to view, I can only imagine it was even more alarming for them to experience. Love a bit of sexual tension on this show but not actual fondling while I’m eating my salad. So then we moved quickly on to the last ever cocktail party. It felt like this episode rushed through the group date but it was with good reason – this cocktail party would be a dinner where everyone gets to ask ANONYMOUS QUESTIONS. What could possibly go wrong!

JOSIE: Okay so that was a genius idea. Whoever the producers are this season, they deserve 600 raises because it’s been highly entertaining so far. But this took the cake! Ryan’s snake side came out early, don’t you reckon? Like he was first cab off the rank to blurt out his “favourite thing about Angie” (VOM) and then he put in the question that prompted Carlin to admit he’d had his lips done after his breakup. Which Carlin had told Ryan about, so he knew it was him. Bit of a dog thing to do. Funnily enough, coming from the “Dog Guy” and all.

hahahahahaha i’ll fucken shit in your pillow mate

MEL: ABSOLUTELY YES. Ryan was like the smiling snakey assassin during the entire dinner party, and Timm was sensing it big time. As a side note, I actually really appreciated Carlin’s honesty about his self-esteem and the reason he got lip fillers post-divorce. I also felt like the guys were ribbing him but in a matey way, they weren’t like EW THAT’S GIRL STUFF which was nice to see?

JOSIE: Honestly I love the vibe of the guys this season. They aren’t too “horhorhorhor we’re the wolfpack” / toxic masculinity like we have seen so many times before. They’re just like a chill bunch of mates on, like, a surfing trip. Anyway props to Carlin and before him, Ciarran, for being open about their self-esteem. Back to snake Ryan though, whoever dropped in the “is this the first season you’ve applied for” (I’m thinking it was the producers but that could just be the conspiracy theorist in me) is a goddamn genius. It was funny how Angie said to them all “tell the truth, because I’ll find out”. So Ryan was almost forced to admit he’d applied before! The drama!

*clenches*

MEL: I also reckon it was the producers! It was far too pointed for it to be anyone else. He looked like he’d swallowed a poo as soon as they started going round the circle. And then when he started telling Angie about how he got all the way through Ali’s season before never getting called back, her FACE. Priceless.

MOTHERF-

JOSIE: And you and also the flashback on telly had to remind me, because frankly I’ve blocked out everything to do with Ryan, but he previously said he would never have applied unless it was Angie! And that was the only reason he was here! Meanwhile he applied last season like a big despo!

MEL: Exactly! His whole schtick this entire season has been “I only applied because I wanted to date YOU and then you were announced as The Bachelorette”. But it looks suspiciously like he’s applying because he wants to be… famous. It’s just really suss but mainly Angie was pissed about the lying. The dinner took a total turn from then, the mood just plummeted.

JOSIE: Timm and Carlin looked fucken delighted, to be honest. Neither of them like Ryan and Angie is clearly super into him, so they were both waiting for him to slip up. It went straight into rose ceremony from there and even though she was pissed, you know Angie was gonna take him through because she wants to dramatically confront him about it which I can’t wait for. What about when she said “will you accept this rose?” He was like “Absssoluuuyyyeah”, like Ryan that is not a word.

MEL: It was like he was speaking in Parseltongue – this guy would absolutely be in Slytherin, let’s be honest.

JOSIE: He even looks a bit like Voldemort with the shaved noggin! Anyway it was quite the predictable top 4 except Jackson was lucky to scrape in, that was definitely Ciarran’s spot.

MEL: Hundo agree. Bye Alex and Matt, hello HOMETOWNS. Cannot WAIT.

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