Tonight, on The Bachelor Australia: IT’S FINALE TIME, BABY!!!

Usually I’m given access to the episodes before they air so I can take my sweet, sweet time recapping – read: snacking while typing. But because tonight is the finale, and Network 10 don’t want to risk any spoilers getting out, I’m doing this LIVE… from my living room.

So please excuse any errors – I’ll probably fix them in an hour or two, when the dust has settled and I’ve emotionally processed watching someone get their heart broken on national TV.

With all of that said, it’s time to land this thing (PILOT PUN).

It’s 7.33pm and The Project‘s still on – IT’S STARTING, IT’S STARTING. Wow, my TV just immediately glitched, love that for me.

OKAY, Holly? Brooke? Brooke? Holly? Whomst will Jimmy choose? (Holly, but let’s just play along.)

The Bachelor Australia
Gonna miss watching ol’ mate stare into space, tbh.

To help him make his decision, Jimmy has invited his family to the beaaaautiful Alice Springs. Jimmy fills them in on all the good stuff – blah, blah, blah – and the not so good stuff. He tells them that Brooke is lovely, but… long distance could be a problem. And Holly? Well, he’s the type of woman he usually dates. That’s as bad as it gets for Holly. Wow, no way!

Jimmy’s terrifying mum Susan is keen to meet Brooke because she didn’t meet her when she dropped by the mansion that one time. Remember that? I remember my butt sweating.

Anywho, Mum’s… kinda worried about Brookie, because her love language is closeness and quality time and Jimmy is a, well, pilot. Also, Brooke’s brother literally told him that she wouldn’t handle distance well. So, y’know.

Brooke says she’s nervous to meet the parents because she’s had some bad experiences in the past – relatable – so she rocks up super bubbly and happy, like she usually does.

And Jimmy’s mum, who calls Jimmy James, is like:

‘James, where’s Holly?’ – Mum, probably.

Meanwhile, Dad loves Brooke. Dad’s a big, big fan of Brooke – Brooke, you’re screwing up this first impression. WHY IS THIS SO AWKWARD. Why are you telling them about your sexy side – oh god, Susan’s taking her aside. Fucking hell, my arse is sweating for her.

GOOD LUCK, BROOKIE.

Yeesh, Mum went straight in. She wants to know how Brooke will handle Jimmy’s shift work. And Brooke tells her that she can be clingy (duh).

The Bachelor Australia
“PILOT, he’s a PILOT. You realise that, right?”

Erm, Susan doesn’t look very amused but Brooke reckons she’s nailed the first impression. Yeah… uh, I don’t think Susan likes Brooke very much. She just full-on described her as “clingy” and “intense”.

OH MY GOD – Susan said it would be challenging for Jimmy to deal with Brooke and that she would even struggle with her, because Brooke is so intense. C’mon, Susan, she’s dating your son, not you. If Jimmy didn’t like clingy woman, Brooke wouldn’t be in the top two.

And now it’s Holly’s turn. I one hundo bet Susan’s gonna froth Holly, but her sister? Hmm. Last time Holly met Jimmy’s sister, she said Holly and Jimmy wouldn’t make a good couple because Holly’s bad at resolving conflict. This is what happens when your family is full of psychologists.

What is Jimmy’s sister’s name, again? I swear it starts with like an R? I don’t know, I’ll just call her Sister.

So Cousin Lisa asks Holly about how things have been since they last met, re: the conflict of Steph calling her a C U Next Tuesday. Jimmy defends Holly though, because that dinner was an absolute shitshow of a night.

So then Papa Jimmy takes Holly aside and grills her on why she told Jimmy I love you so soon.

And Holly’s just like, “Well, I do?”

‘I don’t understand this question.’

Dad JUST SAID HE DOESN’T THINK HOLLY’S THE RIGHT WOMAN FOR JIMMY.

Sister and Lisa are like, PWOARHHHH, WHADDYA MEAN?

The Bachelor Australia
DaaAAad!!!

So Dad explains that Brooke has something very special about her – there’s a real truth to her, he says. She’s unique, she’ll bring something different to the family – Dad, this isn’t a job interview. Dad then says that Holly is very similar to girlfriends of the past. Like, really similar and that bothers Dad because those relationships haven’t worked in the past. OooOoOooOoOooo, INTERESTING.

PAPA JIMMY BRINGING THE SPICE.

Mum picks Holly though, because she thinks Brooke is way too clingy and she also reckons Holly and Jimmy are made for each other. She’s basically with the majority here.

Psychologist Sister tells Jimmy that while he may he think he’s torn, he must know deep down who he wants to choose. And then Jimmy says something along the lines of, “Do I play it safe, or do I take a risk?”

Hmm. HMM.

Aight, it’s time for Brooke’s last single date with Jimmy. They’re going on a hot air balloon and it’s very, very clear that Jimmy likes her a lot.

They’re just gushing over each other at this point – nothing to report yet. Still nothing, but you know it’s coming. They’re gonna talk about the long distance stuff again, for sure. Any second now, ANY SECOND – oop, Brooke just told Jimmy that she’s “hopelessly falling in love with” him.

Jimmy’s like, WHAT IF DAD’S, RIGHT? What if Brooke is what I need??? Then he thinks, NO, WHAT IF MUM’S RIGHT. What if six months down the track, her, uh, more intense side puts a strain on the relationship??????

Brooke doesn’t seem too fussed though.

The Bachelor Australia
Me, you’ll pick ME.

OH MY GOD, WE JUST COPPED OUR FIRST LOOK AT THE OTHER BROOKE – BROOKE BLURTON – for The Bachelorette!!!!!! 

Um, Jimmy’s taking Holly to Uluru – where he once flew with his dad over a five-day trip. It’s a very special memory to him and now he’s returning with Holly. C’mon, JimmyWe’ve still got an hour to go, here. At least try and make it harder to guess who wins this.

YOU’RE JOKING – JIMMY’S PARENTS JUST COINCIDENTALLY ROCKED UP TO THE DATE.

OMGGGG, WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!!!!

Just bloody stick a fork in me, I’m done.

Anyway, I forgot to mention that Jimmy and Holly’s date looked like an engagement photoshoot.

Live, laugh, love.

Annnnnnd then Jimmy brings up how Holly’s quite similar to her ex-girlfriends. BRUH.

Holly starts tearing up a little because why would he say that, because if he loves her then she should stand out to him. She shouldn’t be similar to her exes. BRUH.

jAMES.

Jimmy trying to find a fault in their compatibility is like me picking a fight with my boyfriend ‘cos I’m bored. It’s absolutely pointless and just ends with hugs and kisses, which is exactly what ends up happening between Jimmy and Holly.

Still, Jimmy insists that he’s fighting an internal battle. He really doesn’t know who he’s going to pick.

He’s running out of time though, and so are we. It’s 8.45pm!!! There’s not much longer to go!!!

Holly looks so beautiful!!!

MWAH.

So does Brooke! Oh god, Brooke’s so confident she’s the one. Oh god, this is going to hurt.

ALSO MWAH.

Oh god, oh god, oh god – it’s time. They’re both on their way! Holly’s already crying – so am I, to be honest. I DON’T WANNA SEE ANYBODY CRY.

AHHHHHH, WHO GETS OUT OF THE CAR FIRST? WHO IS IT.

WHOMST?

ALICE SPRINGS IS BEAUTIFUL, BUT SHOW ME WHO GETS OUT OF THE CAR FIRST.

WAIT.

IT’S – oh, it’s just Jimmy talking to Osher. 

SPEAK FASTER, OSHER.

Jimmy just said he’s still torn. JAMES!!!!

And of course we just copped an ad break. The promo for that new craft show looks very wholesome though, like MasterChef but arts and craft.

IT’S TIME.

WHO IS IT? HURRY UP. I NEED TO PEE.

A CAR’S COMING, A CAR’S COMING.

AND THE RUNNER-UP IS…

IS THAT HOLLY’S DRESS OR MISDIRECTION.

OH SHIT, IT’S HOLLY.

HOLY SHIT.

NO IT’S MISDIRECTION, THEY DID THE TWO CARS ARRIVING AT THE SAME TIME THING.

OKAY.

Oh my god, it’s happening now.

BROOKE.

IT’S BROOKE.

Oh, Christ.

I’m not emotionally stable enough to deal with Brooke crying right now.

Oh no – no, I don’t want to watch. I can’t watch – Jimmy’s telling her how much he appreciates her and all that. OH GOD.

HER FACE.

YES?

OH GOD, HE DID IT. HE DUMPED HER ON TELLY. SHE’S CRYING.

SHE’S ASKING HIM “WHY?”

The Bachelor Australia.
MAKE IT STOP.

Brooke stops crying, tells Jimmy that maybe he’s not the one for her then because she needs someone who will take risks for her. Oh, she’s pissed. This is BRUTAL, AD BREAK – AD BREAK NOW.

They just hugged goodbye and now Brooke’s walking away. Jimmy’s quite teary, fuuuuuck. OH, JIMMY.

He’s not even saying anything, he’s just trying not to fucking cry. I’m reaaaaaally not emotionally stable enough for this. Channel 10. I’m in my sixth lockdown. I didn’t even get a screenshot of him crying, I was too sad.

Right, well, it’s Holly turn’s now. We knew she was going to win from the beginning. But now Jimmy can say that he’s in love with Holly.

Holly looks like she’s about to shit herself.

YES?

I can’t even enjoy this properly, I’m still thinking about Brooke getting dumped, far out.

The Bachelor Australia
They’re cute though.

And that’s it! We have our happy couple!

That’s another season of The Bachelor Australia done and dusted. Thanks for coming on this ~ journey ~ with me, folks! I’ll see you in tomorrow’s exit interviews with the happy couple… and Brooke.

Stream the entire season of The Bachelor Australia on 10play.

Image: Network 10