Top of the evening to ya, and welcome to this week’s first recap of The Bachelor Australia. 

I have my chippies and my juice – yes, I’m five years old – so I’m ready to go. So is Brooke, who is on her way to the laaaaaast single date (before hometowns) with Jimmy. And now I feel personally attacked because they’re going on some sort of fitness date, while I munch on chippies.

Brooke literally runs into Jimmy’s arms and they pash – it’s all a bit CUTE.

The Bachelor Australia
AWWW.

Bloody hell, they’re doing pilates on the top of Sydney Tower. Brooke’s from Melbourne, so the point of this date is to warm her up to the idea of living in Sydney. I’ve done this dance before when my partner got a job there (but I won in the end, hehe).

Anyway, this all quickly becomes an ad for Visit NSW.

I’d be shitting myself up there, TBH.

Until it becomes an ad for why nobody should ever do couples pilates ever.

The Bachelor Australia
Presented without comment.

Naturally, the whole thing leads to Brooke and Jimmy making out… while the instructor sort of just… backs… away… And then Jimmy takes Brooke to another part of Sydney to do something ‘Melbourne’. Turns out, that’s coffee art and by coffee, I mean #SponCon, #Starbucks.

Friends, I smell FORESHADOWING. While Brooke really appreciates Jimmy (producers) incorporating a bit of ‘Melbourne’ into their single date, Brooke makes it super clear that she really, really loves it there.

Oop, Brooke just said her work and her life is in Melbourne. OH NO.

OH NO, again – Brooke tells us that she wants closeness, she doesn’t want to see her partner just once a week. BROOKE! HE’S A PILOT!!!!!

So then Brooke and Jimmy have a chat after the coffee stuff and she tells him that while she was back at home, she did a wee stalk of Jimmy online.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. 

Brooke tells him that she copped an eyeful of paparazzi shots of Jimmy on his dates with the other women. And it sucked! Especially when she saw pics of her boyfriend making out with his other girlfriend.

And then just for fun, the editors show the receipts.

The Bachelor Australia
That was a fun date!

Brooke knows it’s part of the whole ~ journey ~ but it was just a lot.

So then Brooke straight-up asks Jimmy what kind of connection he’s after because his date with Lily looked heaps horny. Brooke, hun. So then we have to watch these two have an uncomfortable conversation about how sexual chemistry is important to Jimmy, but so are the other things. Like, what else could he say here? Apart from explain the whole gist of The Bachelor Australia. 

Jimmy basically tells Brooke that she’s the type of person he was hoping to meet on this ~ journey ~ and without saying it explicitly – because he’s not allowed to – Jimmy tells her that she has nothing to worry about.

He doesn’t give her a rose though, which is awks. And then Brooke adds to the foreshadowing by telling us that she Can’t-with-a-capital-C leave Melbourne. EEK.

But let’s deal with that later, because it’s group date time! And I have no idea what’s going on.

Hwat is this!? 

WHAT IS WRONG WITH CARLIE’S FACE?

Okay, so what we’re looking at is Carlie’s left side of her face mirrored to form a symmetrical portrait. And if you turn it over you have Carlie’s right side.

I am CACKLING at Jimmy’s.

LOOK AT THIS, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

The Bachelor Australia
I CANNOT.

So the reason why these fucked portraits are a thing is because a face reader has come to visit. Face reading tells you how you… read the world – I don’t know.

BASICALLY, this is another compatibility test.

Jimmy says he’s approaching the group date with an open mind, which is code for I think this is bullshit, and plasters a smile on his handsome face.

So one by one, the gals and Jimmy sit down with the face reader and she reads their faces. It’s basically this for about five minutes.

Righhhhhhhhht.

Long story, short: Brooke’s reading is the best of the bunch… until Brooke disagrees with it because the face reader called her independent in relationships when she reckons she’s the opposite. And we’re back to this again.

The Bachelor Australia
Face reader, ya fucked it!

After the group date, everyone’s on a high until Osher tells them there’s a rose ceremony coming up and it’ll be the last one before Hometowns. DUN, DUN, DUNNN.

Jimmy can see a future with all of the gals remaining so he’s sweeeeaaating.

Meanwhile, the gals (mostly Lily) are kinda pissed at Brooke because she had a whole day with Jimmy and she didn’t broach the subject of Melbourne versus Sydney and how dependent she is in a relationship.

BRUH.

So then Jimmy and Lily have a chat about things and how Lily almost left the mansion in last week’s episode ‘cos the whole Brooke-coming-back thing threw a spanner in the works. And the convo is going well until Brooke decides to interrupt it because she obvs has things to say to Jimmy, too.

Lily’s just like:

The Bachelor Australia
Fa fuck’s sake, bROOKE.

And then after Brooke makes herself known, she has a wee cry to Ashleigh about how she doesn’t know if her lifestyle and Jimmy’s are compatible.

Ashleigh’s really nice about it, so I’ll translate what she says into something that makes sense: JUST TELL JIMMY, BROOKE. MY GOD.

So then, after an hour of watching Brooke wrestle with this decision from the start of the episode, she finally tells Jimmy that she’s not independent in relationships. Jimmy’s like, ‘uh oh’ and tells her that he needs someone independent.

You know shit’s going down when the editors don’t even play any background music. All I can hear are crickets and the sound of Brooke’s heart sinking into the depths of misery.

Can you just not be a pilot? – Brooke, probably.

So Brooke tells Jimmy that moving to Sydney is something she’d really have to think about. And Jimmy tells her that whatever happens, they need to get there organically and it has to be the best decision for the both of them. Very diplomatic answer, if you ask moi.

AND THEN, Brooke brings up his work…

The Bachelor Australia
Thin ice, Brookie.

Brooke tells Jimmy that she works in the morning, while he works nights (and in another state sometimes) and that could be a huge problem because she does want to spend nights with her partner.

So then Jimmy makes it super clear that he can’t just change his roster because, ya know, plane’s need flying and all that, and he’s not gonna change his job because, ya know, he loves it, so this is a wee bit awkward now.

The music starts up again.

And then it cuts to Jimmy being quite concerned about his little chat with Brooke, because whoever he ends up with needs to have a realistic expectation of when he is and isn’t going to be around. And he can’t have someone already resenting that at the beginning of a relationship.

So now Brooke’s like, ‘Ah, I fucked it.’

OH, BROOKIE.

And now it’s rose ceremony time. Brooke’s not going home, let’s be real. We know she makes it to Hometowns because we saw Jimmy meeting her family in the promo for this week’s episodes! So, to quote Matt Agnew, this whole Brooke business has been “a tremendous waste of time”.

Still, I want to know who does go home and rumour has it Jimmy boots Carlie and Ashleigh – WAIT, HE JUST GAVE CARLIE A ROSE.

Oh shit, we’re down to Brooke, Lily, and Ashleigh and there’s only one rose left.

Annnnnnnnd of course it goes to Brooke, so we’re saying ta-ta to Lily and Ashleigh. Woof, poor Lily. We know she really, really liked Jimmy.

The Bachelor Australia
Bet Lily’s wishing she could drop a crane on Jimmy now, hey?

Lily plays it cool, but she’s one hundo over it. POOR LILY.

The Bachelor Australia airs 7.30pm Wednesdays and Thursdays on Channel 10.

IT’S HOMETOWNS TOMORROW, BABY!

Image: Network 10