Brooke‘s back, Brooke’s back, Brooke’s back! That’s it, that’s my introduction for tonight’s recap of The Bachelor Australia. 

It’s Steff again, I’m back!! I’ll be doing the recaps until the end of the season ‘cos Josie, Head of Editorial at PEDESTRIAN.TV, is a busy bee. So you’re stuck with me, hehe.

Happy to report tonight’s episode is only an hour long, unlike yesterday’s two-hour doozy.

Righto, so tonight’s ep begins with a group date at a waterpark. The gals have to compete in a triathlon (???) that looks PRETTY intense. Physical fitness and I have a complicated relationship, so this obstacle course looks like hell to me.

The Bachelor Australia, Jimmy, Brooke
No penis is worth this, I’m sorry.

The women rock up in their boots like, “Ahhhhh, crap”, but they cop it on the chin and listen to Jimmy go on about how he’s competed in 12 triathlons. Good for you, James.

‘We didn’t ask, but wooooooooooow.’

Ol’ mate Osher explains the gals will have to work through some relationship oBsTacLes, swim through the sea of lOvE, before cycling on a water bike (???) into the horizon, otherwise known as the finish line. And, along the way, there’ll be literal red flags. Whoever reaches a red flag first will be asked a question and, depending on their answer, they’ll either cop a time advantage, a time penalty, OR they can boot someone off the course into Love Limbo, while the others keep racing.

Osher explaining the rules of this challenge just reminds me of the time he hosted the Australian Survivor finale because daddy Jonathan LaPaglia was busy not catching COVID in the States. Simpler times.

Anywho, the gals get geared up and Jay makes it super clear that she’s competitive. So you just know she’s going to tear across the course and take no prisoners. Which is exactly what she does.

Tag yourself, I’m Laura.

The Bachelor Australia, Jimmy, Brooke
‘This is BULLSHIT’ – Laura, probably.

Ash somehow gets the first flag – I don’t know how, I was too busy laughing at Laura. But then Ash fucks up her answer and cops a five-second penalty – oopsie!

Jay’s absolutely powering through this triathlon. She wins the next flag and sends Carlie, who’s currently on her tail, to Love Limbo. But Jimmy’s the one who has to take her to Love Limbo on one of those surfboard standing things – standup paddle board! Thank you, Google – so really, who’s the loser here?

Not Carlie.

HahHAHahA, suckers!!!!

Oh my god, Jay gets the flag AGAIN. This time, she gets a five-second time advantage, which pretty much seals the deal. No one’s going to overtake her – wait what the fuck, she literally just gave her time advantage to Ash.

Jay, hun, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

The Bachelor Australia, Jimmy, Brooke
???????

Let us not forget that Jay’s been the target of two (2) rumours questioning whether or not she’s on The Bachelor for the right reasons. This is NOT helping your case, Jay.

So now Jimmy’s proper confused, cos does Jay even want to spend extra time with him or??????

And then Ash wins the next red flag, which gives her the power to swap out Carlie for someone else on Love Limbo! But instead of – I don’t know – yeeting Jay into the abyss because she’s right on her heels, Ash boots Holly WHO IS COMING DEAD LAST.

I’m sorry, but youse are not going to be the one standing at the end if you put yourself last… or in this case, in the runner-up position.

So the triathlon continues and Jay wins another red flag, sends Carlie back to Love Limbo after literally asking Ash for some advice. And then everyone’s just like ???

FINALLY, Jay comes to her senses after she wins yet another red flag and chooses Laura to come join her up front. Laura’s not much of a threat, so this makes sense.

Laura’s just trying not to drown at this point.

I’m an e-list celebrity, get me outta here!!!!

There are no more red flags now, so it’s crunch time!

Let us not forget that Jay told us she’s super competitive and yet, she ‘fucked’ up the last bit of the course, giving Ash a super big advantage. Laura’s drowning, I’m pretty sure, but she’ll be right.

AND THEN ASH WINS, after Jay had the lead for literally 99.99 per cent of the triathlon.

So then we cut to Jay’s confessional and she’s just like, ‘Oh, I let Ash win because she hasn’t had that much time with our boyfriend, who we’re both trying to boink. But that’s fine, because all that matters is I’m a very nice person and everyone sees that.’ That’s not actually what she said, but y’know.

Jay purposely coming second throws more fuel on the fire (rumour) that she’s gunning to be runner-up.

Meanwhile, Ash and Jimmy get cosy, they make out, blah, blah, blah, she gets a rose.

The Bachelor Australia, Jimmy, Brooke
COULD’VE BEEN YOU, JAY.

IS IT BROOKE TIME YET?

It’s not, but Carlie has a single date with Jimmy now. It’s her birthday!!!! They draw on each other, which is my biggest bloody pet peeve – it makes my skin CRAWL – so we’re skipping ahead to the cocktail party.

Carlie gets a rose, by the way.

Annnnnd right about now, Jay realises she shouldn’t have let Ash win that extra time with their boyfriend because Jimmy is giving out roses left, right, and centre.

Everything is fine!!!!

But then Jay has a big AH-HA moment and remembers she has the business lounge key around her neck. So she whisks Jimmy off to – HAHAHAHA BROOKE’S HERE.

The Bachelor Australia, Jimmy, Brooke
I’M BACK, BITCH – sorry, no, Brooke wouldn’t swear. I’m back, babes!!!!

Isn’t she stunning? God, I bloody love Brooke – oop, straight to it.

YAYAYAYAYAY.

Meanwhile, a few metres away:

The Bachelor Australia, Jimmy, Brooke
‘Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.’

This is just a rumour, but apparently Jimmy begged Brooke to come back because he was really keen on her. We know she was his frontrunner, but imagine if he doesn’t choose her in the end… after apparently asking her to come back… a few weeks after the passing of her grandad. I would absolutely lose my shit.

So then the pair head back into the mansion and everyone’s like, ‘Oh, heeeeeeeey…’

‘Well, I’m fucked’.

Lily’s absolutely shitting her pants now, because Brooke’s no longer the wine-sipping, “nice gal” she was a few weeks ago. She’s here for Jimmy and Jimmy only, she doesn’t care about making friends – looking at you, Jay.

Brooke’s not here to fuck spiders and you (me!!!) bloody love to see it.

The Bachelor Australia, Jimmy, Brooke
HEHE.

And then!!!!! Jimmy just straight-up gives Brooke a rose and is like, “Will you accept this rose?”, to which Brooke replies, “I’ll only accept that rose if you give me a big fat kiss.”

Jimmy hesitates – they are at a cocktail party – and then things cut back to the other women who are super devo about Brooke being back. So it’s just salt and vinegar in the wound when Brooke returns from her chat with a rose in her hand and her lipstick smeared on her chin. If you look closely, I’m pretty sure the smear spells out: It’s over for you, bitches.

Brooke tells them that she and Jimmy spoke “quite a bit” while she was away.

‘Wow, I’m really fucked.’

AND THEN, Brooke tells her co-girlfriends that Jimmy has given her the lasssst single date. And Laura’s literally like, “Oh, shit.”

Lily starts crying because a) she wanted more time with Jimmy and b) she didn’t know that was the last single date. So she thinks of leaving because the time she has had with Jimmy is not enough for her to want him to meet her family. Hometowns are right around the corner.

The Bachelor Australia, Jimmy, Brooke
JIMMMMMYYYYYY, WHYYYYYYYY.

So then Jimmy finds Lily crying and tries to comfort her. She’s okay, she’s just starting to really realise she likes Jimmy… a lot. And the reality that she might not end up with him SUCKS. And that’s the end of the cocktail party – Jay didn’t get any time with Jimmy and neither did Laura.

Lily still has a strong connection with Jimmy though, so she’s fine. Everyone basically has a strong connection with Jimmy except for… Laura… so it’s fairly obviously that she’s the one going home.

And she does.

That’s it! Brooke’s got this in the bag, surely? Although the promo for next week looks slightly concerning.

See you then!

The Bachelor Australia airs 7.30pm Wednesdays and Thursdays on Channel 10.

Image: Network 10