The A-Z Of Being A Woman

It was Shania Twain who said “the best thing about being a woman is the prerogative to have a little fun” which may very well be true. However it was also Shania Twain who said a rocket scientist doesn’t impress her much so she’s obviously an idiot who can’t be considered an authority on anything, because everyone knows rocket scientists are impressive as fuck. With Shania Twain lyrics proving an unreliable source, we turned to Rowena Grant-Frost, Frankie staff writer, eligible Bachelorette and real life woman, to help solve our quest to better understand what being a woman is all about. Here are her excellent alphabetically-listed insights…

Being a lady / woman can be confusing. There are many rules to be obeyed and different kinds of underwear to be worn! Also mascara is a thing. Thankfully, I know the alphabet and can walk you through some of the most important parts of womanhood, such as:

A is for “Aerobics,” a combination of arm and leg movements set to music. It is sort of like a vigorous dancing, which some ladies like to do.
B is for “Beyonce.” She runs this mother.
C is for “Cooking,” which is not “women’s work,” but a pleasurable activity, especially if it involves:
D is for “Dill Pickles,” a delicious food.
E is for “Ewe,” a lady sheep.
F is for “Female,” what every woman is. “Fe” is the chemical symbol for iron, so every lady is really just an iron male.
G is for “Gynaecologist,” a medical specialist for the lady parts. One day I met a gynaecologist whose name was “Dr Vigana”. It was a special day.
H is for “Heart Disease,” the leading cause of death in women. No one likes to die, so maybe get your cholesterol checked.
I is for “Iris,” who, in Greek mythology, travelled on rainbows to deliver messages for the gods.
J is for “Juno,” who, in Roman mythology, looked after all the ladies, marriage, and fertility. She was also married to her brother Jupiter, which is really not OK.
K is for “Knitting,” the process of turning straight lines of yarn into jumpers and scarves and socks and things. It can be done alone, or in a circle, with tea or without.
L is for “Law and Order: SVU,” the worst and best television show a lady could ever watch.
M is for “Mrs Dalloway,” who did not invite me to her party.
N is for “The Netherlands,” the country with the tallest women, on average. Beware their giant clogs and windmills of wrath.
O is for “Oprah,” who, in American mythology, controls all that is good, powerful, and televised. There is also a meme called “Oprah Running Away From Things,” which I like very much.
P is for “Pearl Necklace,” the item of jewellery, not the sex thing. Or the sex thing, if you’re into that.
Q is for “Queen, The,” the best monarch with the best hair and the best army of corgis.
R is for “Ripley,” warrant officer on the Nostromo and alien killer.
S is for “Smear,” the worst word in the English language.
T is for “Tampons,” or “feminine hygiene products” as the supermarkets euphemistically call them.
U is for “Uncomfortable Underwear,” an agony all ladies understand. Let’s hear it for cotton, yes?
V is for “Vagina,” obviously.
W is for “Wine.” As in: “Give me all the wine, I have had a hard day.”
X is for “XX,” the chromosomes of a lady. “XXX” is a movie with Vin Diesel.
Y is for “You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman” by Aretha Franklin, a song that has been used on many advertisements for “T”.
Z is for “Zsa Zsa Gabor,” who, through some miracle of science, is still alive.

You can vote for Rowena and the other nominees for the 2012 Bachelorette Of The Year right here.

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