Taylor Swift Is Definitely, Totally, 100% Not Inside This Big Ol’ Suitcase

By

Published

July 17, 2017

The most perfect celebrity story of the year has been debunked, ruining what would have been a literally and metaphorically self-contained yarn for the ages.

Photo agency Splash News has told the world that Taylor Swift was not bundled out of her New York apartment in a huge black suitcase, after a photo caption previously asserted the singer was snapped inside the hefty luggage.

There are claims Taylor Swift was transported in this huge suitcase from her apartment into a truck https://t.co/iIeamTRfFM pic.twitter.com/22oZD1QkSY

— SPIN 1038 (@spin1038) July 17, 2017

For the record, the service previously claimed “Taylor Swift has been reportedly being transported in a huge suitcase from her Tribecca (sic) apartment into her truck.

“A fleet of cars including two large cadillacs (sic) and three suv’s arrive at Tailor (sic) Swift’s apartment in Tribecca to move a large suitcase from apartment to truck.

“Almost a dozen of Taylor Swift security guards were present to move this package carefully as Taylor Swift remains to be unseen for a long time.”

The claims caused an instant furore online due to how manifestly plausible the whole scenario is. After all, if our mate Adele can be wheeled to and from a stage in a big ol’ box, what’s to stop Swift from being lugged around in some Samsonite?

“I’m just so grateful to be in this suitcase. I love this suitcase so much! Oh my God. I’m so lucky to be in this suitcase!” – Taylor Swift

— billy eichner (@billyeichner) July 17, 2017

I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life. Taylor Swift *IS* hiding in that suitcase.

— Hannah Orenstein (@hannahorens) July 17, 2017

It’s amazing how much Taylor Swift and I have in common. I mean, we both are young, talented, beautiful, and can fit inside of a suitcase.

— Robots With Rayguns (@robtswthrayguns) July 17, 2017

Me, a pleb: I pack my clothes in a suitcase when I need to travel.

You, Taylor Swift: I pack myself in a suitcase when I travel.

— Luke Brown (@MLukeBrown) July 17, 2017

After what we can only assume was an avalanche of media enquiries, Splash News was forced to say that the snapper was “not really a regular photographer that we use,” and that they had no real way to vouch for the claim. Which sucks beyond words.

To BuzzFeed News, a Splash News representative said they had been in contact with Camp Swift about the allegation. You have to wonder why they’d go to such lengths to debunk the theory if she wasn’t actually in there… But hey. Official word is she was never in the suitcase.

Because that would be ridiculous.