How To Survive Christmas When You’re Severely Allergic To Carols

Christmas carols
Contributor: Tayla Gentle

Don’t get me wrong, I like Christmas. I like forced leave, I like day-drinking, and I like the holiday episodes of Friends. What I don’t like about Christmas is the cost of buying unnecessary gifts, forced cheer, and carols. 

According to yours truly, Christmas carols deserve a special place in hell, right beside people who cut in line and Australians who eat meat pies without tomato sauce. Why? Because jingling bells are just plain painful on the ears. And I don’t think a remote manger sounds like an appropriate place to birth a baby. 

If you, like me, curse the day Michael Bublé released his first Christmas album, look sharp because we’ve got a few life hacks to help you through this silly, silly season. 

1. Conceal noise-cancelling headphones in your Santa hat

It’s one thing for your nan to make you wear a decorative headpiece, it’s another to wear the decorative headpiece while listening to Christmas carols. Save your ears the torment, slip a pair of noise-cancelling headphones into the brim of your Santa hat and eat your aunty’s pavlova in blissful silence. 

2. Hijack the Bluetooth speaker 

Kick your cousin Tanya off the speaker and go rogue on the music. We highly recommend playing Carlton Dry’s anti-Christmas Christmas carol, It’s The Most Wonderful Time For A Beer, over and over again. 

Look, I’ve even included the Spotify embed so you can add it straight to your playlist. A little gift from me to you.

3. Force-feed yourself to the point of napping

It’s easy to overeat on Christmas – in fact, it’s expected. Give the diet a break this Chrissy and binge on roast meats and plum pudding until you’re not only unbuckling your belt but also in need of mid-day nap.

The nap is not simply restorative, it’s also gonna save you from enduring your sisters’ Mariah Carey karaoke session. 

4. Continuously volunteer to get ice

It’s Christmas Day, it’s sweltering and the eskies need restocking. Frequently. After all, no one wants a repeat of last year when Uncle Barry, and his beers, lost all chill.

If you volunteer to keep the drinks cold, it means several trips down to the local bottle-o/petrol station for more ice. Make the most of these trips, do a few blockies and take a well-earned break from the carolling.

5. Go full How To Make Gravy

So, all you gotta do is commit petty crime, do a small stint in prison, have Paul Kelly write a song about you and voila! No Christmas carols for you this year. JOKING. We do not, I repeat, DO NOT endorse petty crime. Or any crime, in fact.

But if you do have to contribute a Christmas song to the family playlist (besides It’s A Wonderful Time For A Beer, obvi), How To Make Gravy is most definitely the least annoying.

Thank us later.