Before you proceed any further, take a moment to wrangle your Top 4 friends into an imaginary room in your mind; a mental MySpace if you will. [Designated thinking time] Got them? Great. Now lock the door and slide the key under the gap between the door and the floor. Sit them down, they’ve got some explaining to do.
Statistically speaking, three out of the four people you’ve invited here today wish vampires and werewolves were real, and now you’ve gone and locked yourself in a mental prison with them. Ask yourself, who’s the idiot now?
A new online study of 1,054 youths commissioned by Universal Sony Pictures and conducted by Lonergan Research to commemorate the unleashing of the final Twilight DVD on the general public has revealed that three quarters of young Australians wished more than anything that the undead walked among us and hoped that one day we too might be granted the power to see into the future. This burning desire for prophetic supernatural powers was followed closely by the wish to read minds, possess super-strength and be immortal.
Another disturbing find extracted from the carotid artery of the survey is that 50% of young women yearned for a relationship that rivalled the repressed sexual tension of the kind enjoyed by Bella, Edward and Jacob. Theirs is a chaste ménage à trois and one that “significantly raised Australians’ expectations of romance.” It also greatly impacted on the decision of the 15% who said that Bedcob (Jacobellard?) inspired them to remain celibate until their boyfriend married them, impregnated them with an undead foetus who slowly ate away at them from the inside – spreading their gnawed-upon viscera onto peppered water crackers – and almost killed them, necessitating their eventual turning into a vampire. A truly modern romance, the envy of all the girls!
More than one third of the audience also rated both Bella and Edward’s first kiss and date as being better than their own.
In the movie, Edward and Bella’s first date consists of Edward showing up at Bella’s house and telling her she has to come with him, no questions asked.
In the book, Edward and Bella’s first date takes place in an Italian restaurant, La Bella Italia [obvious alert], after Edward saves her from a violent gang of men in a dark alleyway, whom he almost kills in a fit of blind rage after reading their minds with his supposedly desirable supernatural powers [they wanted to do lewd involuntary things to her]. Bella ate mushroom ravioli and drank a soda.
In both book and film, at the moment of their first kiss Edward bolts because he’s scared he’ll kill her, necessitating all the chastity. In both instances, he’s covered in glitter.
This is the ideal first date and first kiss for young Australian women; lift your game, young men of Australia!
via AdNews
