Hi everyone, my name’s Louis and I… have… (*inhales*) never seen A Star Is Born. *exhales*

Hi Louis.

Phew, that feels great to get off my chest. Thanks everyone.

When it was released back in October 2018, I had the purest intentions of immersing myself in the hype. I really did. 

As my friends began to watch it and subsequently talk about how amazing it was, I assured them that, although I hadn’t seen it yet, I was most certainly intent on watching it. And you know what? I really was adamant about wanting to see it. I even listened to the soundtrack (not the version with the dialogue thrown in, mind you) and adored “Is That Alright?” And “I’ll Never Love Again”. 

But then time passed and, well, I just didn’t go to the cinemas… Then more time passed. Then it left the cinemas. Then I felt like I brought shame on my people (The Gays™) for missing it in the cinemas. Then people assumed that I’d seen it and I didn’t have the heart to let them down. Then I became a closeted non-watcher, silenced by internalised guilt. Then I forgot about it…. Until this very moment, when my office started playing “Shallow” and I thought to myself, ‘we’re still listening this?’

Well, the birth of a new year has simultaneously given birth to a newfound, unapologetic attitude that I’m trying to channel. The rumours are true – I’m finally ready to be the fearless bitch that I was born to be, and publicly announce the fact that I have no fucking clue what happens in A Star Is Born. None at all.

That being said, my social media has been inundated with all things Gaga and Cooper over the past couple years, so without watching the film, I feel like I’ve kind of watched it, you know? Like, I feel like I could bullshit the gist of it to someone at a house party on two glasses of Prosecco. 

With this in mind, I now plan to guess the entire plot of A Star Is Born purely based on the fact that it’s been saturated in the media since its genesis. Also, I feel like there’s a certain formula to these kinds of films about rising stars and toxic stardoms, so I’m just going to follow my hunch.

Now, prepare for the stalest take of all stale takes. Bite the pillow, I’m going in dry.

Characters:

  • Lady Gaga – Ally
  • Bradley Cooper – some generic masculine name that isn’t too masculine and still quite approachable. I’m going to go with Johnny.
  • A lovely banjo-player name Billie-Joe.
  • Shangela and Willam (I saw their IG pictures and listen to Willam’s podcast.)

Setting:

The south. Somewhere that has a bit of country twang. Maybe Tennessee. Yep, alright, let’s lock in Tennessee.

Plot:

Johnny’s a well-respected musician who’s well and truly in his prime, and we love that for him. He’s now feeling a bit worn-out by the whole thing, though, and over the years, he’s become rather bitter. No one inspires him. In fact, everyone annoys him. He’s also addicted to booze, party powder and late-night rompers with random groupies. What is love? What is real? Johnny doesn’t know.

One night, he goes to a small, shitty pub in Tennessee (he’s currently on a nationwide tour and has stopped over in Tennessee for a couple days). There, as luck would have it, struggling-artist-who’s-on-the-verge-of-giving-up Ally emerges onstage. She sings a stellar tune – an original “This Place Sucks And I Have Talent” – and immediately, Johnny feels a spark. A spark that’s evaded him for so long. A spark that he thought had left him forever. ‘Fuck, this chick has talent,’ he whispers. ‘I must bring her on the road with me.’

Johnny inevitably convinces Ally to go on the road with him. She has a confidence issue and an identity crisis, but her raw talent begins to rapidly attract a fanbase.

Johnny helps Ally professionally record her track “This Place Sucks And I Have Talent” and, hoo boy, it goes wild. Oh, and they also start to fuck.

But soon, Ally becomes the new It Girl™, while Johnny hops onboard the irrelevant train. As the fame starts to get to Ally’s head, she becomes a goddamn diva, and has constant brawls with Johnny and crew. ‘I don’t need you, bitches,’ she screams at Johnny, and eventually leaves him behind in the pursuit of absolute stardom. Ally starts to sell out arenas wherever she goes and Johnny drops off the face of the Earth.

As Ally starts to achieve all the success in the world, though, her personal life starts to deteriorate – she comes to realise that all the money and jewels and fame in the world will never, ever come close to the love she had for Johnny. ‘Oh my God,’ she realises, ‘that’s what the key to happiness is… Love!’ She begins to regret everything, and wishes that she could just go back to her life without all the glitz and glamour – her life with Johnny.

Meanwhile, Johnny drinks too much whiskey at a pub one night and a karaoke machine topples onto him. He’s dead.

Ally finds out and declares that she’ll ‘never love again’. Now that she’s super famous, though, she’s obviously going to continue doing that, but now she’ll be doing it in his honour. Love never dies. Le fin.

Well, there you have it – the 100% confirmed, completely true narrative of A Star Is Born – not that any of you need it, as you’ve literally all seen the film multiple times. In fact, this article is completely pointless. I’ll let myself out now. Bye.

Image: Warner Bros. Pictures / A Star Is Born