Repent All Ye Faithful, For The ‘Sonic The Hedgehog’ Trailer Is Upon Us

The first trailer for the upcoming Sonic The Hedgehog movie has been unleashed on the world, marking an ominous portent of things to come.

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We could describe it to you in plain English. Unfortunately, the footage, which stars James Marsden, Jim Carrey, and Ben Schwartz as Sonic, has a deep and occult energy.

As such, here are some thoughts we wrenched from mind-hell to help you understand the Eldritch horrors which await. What you do after that is your own prerogative:

  • Sonic running at 760mp/h past a patrol car would definitely blow its doors clean off
  • This trailer does to Coolio’s Gangsta’s Paradise what Marge Simpson did to that pink Chanel suit
  • Sonic has human teeth and a fully developed soy face
  • The powers that be reshaped his calves after everyone expressed their horror at an early poster
  • The trailer spoils Sonic’s big bullet time moment
  • Sonic is stark naked at all times
  • Sonic nearly copped a tranquilizer dart to the balls
  • You are now picturing Sonic’s balls
  • I would probably let James Marsden trap me in a gym bag and transport me across state lines.

Bon appetit, you goddamn animals:

Sonic The Hedgehog is slated to hit screens from November this year.