Oh my god. An L.A.-based TV comedy writer has written a spec script for ‘Brooklyn Nine-Nine‘ where they find footage of Donald Trump getting pissed on, and it’s unbelievably perfect.

Jake, Rosa and Boyle intercept a Russian agent with the incriminating Trump piss footage. When they realise what they’ve got, it becomes a matter of what to do next.

Honest-to-god, the characters are spot on. Jake can’t stop bragging about that time he was in the FBI, Gina thinks the precinct has been hacked when her trash websites get blocked, and Holt calmly ignores all the drama because he doesn’t get worked up over “white people drama”

Meanwhile, Rosa and Boyle start fighting over who they voted for in the primaries (Rosa voted Bernie, Boyle proudly voted for Hillary Rodham Clinton), and Terry is upset because everyone’s leaving him out.

This, friends, is 33-pages of pure perfection.

From the cold open, when Jake and Rosa are closing in on the perp.


The author / genius behind it is Dani Messerschmidt, an L.A.-based TV comedy writer for hire who told PEDESTRIAN.TV she wrote the script because “the idea was just too perfect to pass up.”

“I’m not sure where the genesis came from, exactly,” she said. “Like most Americans, I’ve been riveted and horrified by politics here lately. One of the most frustrating things, for me, was seeing all of these obviously shady things happen without ever really finding the ‘smoking gun,’ if you will. So this script was sort of a therapeutic thing for me—to imagine what would happen if that evidence emerged. And even more fun if it ended up in the hands of the Nine-Nine!”

Being huge ‘Brooklyn Nine-Nine’ nerds, we asked if there were any characters and/or plot lines that were trickier than others (very limited spoilers below).

“As far as things I struggled with, there were a couple characters I had trouble with,” she said. “Captain Holt, for example. He’s the squad captain, and a pretty big stickler for protocol, so I obviously couldn’t have him be ‘in’ on the tape scandal because he’d shut it down pretty quickly, so I had to figure out a way to keep him out of the action, at least for this episode (sad because he’s one of my favourite characters).

“Other than that, I mostly just had trouble remembering to give anyone but Rosa lines—her deadpan sarcastic voice is so much fun to write for me that I found myself giving her way more screen time in my first couple drafts. It ended up balancing out well, I think, though. All in all, the whole experience was very fun and more than a little bit cathartic. I definitely wish I lived in a world where the ‘bad guys’ get what’s coming to them. I still have hope it can happen in the future, though.”

Someone hire her. Immediately.

Photo: Brooklyn Nine-Nine.