Trust me when I say this – I’m an absolute pro at scoring freebies. How do you reckon I can afford all of my parking fines if I’m not chowing down on the occasional comped meal or ducking out to enjoy a free movie? It’s impossible, I’ve tried it.
The beauty of living in a world where I spend like I’m rich and cry like I’m not is that I’ve experienced that broke life so often, I’ve adopted the idea that money doesn’t have to buy everything. Mostly everything, sure, but there are a few morally dubious shortcuts that can get you a tonne of free crap without losing too much of that already-waning dignity.
So, without further ado, here are a few of my slightly dodgy, works-some-of-the-time tips to get around as many freebies as possible.
FOOD
There are a few ways to cop some free grub, depending on how low you’ll sink.
The most obvious option is to take advantage of new food delivery services where, by signing up your friends, you in-turn get a free meal. Pretty straightforward, ey?
Willing to stoop lower? Sit down at a restaurant table recently vacated by other punters and discreetly slide their leftovers into a ziplock bag before the waiter comes over to serve you. Then, order something little, like a coke, and hightail it out of there so you can eat out of your ziplock bags behind a dumpster – or a beach, depending on how fancy you’re feeling.
ENTERTAINMENT
If you’re happy to pull the wool over your mate’s eyes, you’ll be surprised how far that’ll get you.
Case in point: the movies. You know those free membership cards most theatres hand out? Get one. As soon as you have one, you’ll notice that you get to unlock a tonne of free popcorn, drinks and tickets depending on how much cash you spend. So, simply round up a bunch of mates and offer to pay for their tickets in one transaction. That way, you’ll be able to earn 10 times the amount of points in one sitting and everyone will pay you back for their ticket anyway. So really, the only people losing out are your mates and honestly, screw ’em.
BEVS
Okay, so this has only happened to me once and I’ve never tried it again but here’s a bit of a breakdown. The other night I was at a pub and they were taking ages to pour a beer so they said they’d bring it to my table when it was ready. I waited a fair chunk of time and nothing had arrived, so I went back up and asked what the go was and they poured me one right then and there.
In the meantime, another waiter was coming to the table with my original delayed bev and due to a miscommunication at the bar, I ended up with two cold ones and one giant smile on my greedy face. Timing is everything, I suppose.
Alcohol is obvi more expensive so it makes more sense to try and wrangle some free beers or wines etc, but, if you’re not drinking grog, you can grab a Slurpee for a literal dollar so if you feel like you can’t fork over one teeny tiny little buck, you’re broke as a joke.
TRANSPORT
Look in all honesty, there’s really no way to get around paying cash to get places without crossing into fare evasion territory, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be a creative little bee.
For instance, I think it’s pretty common knowledge that rideshare services take their customer satisfaction pretty damn seriously. So if something goes wrong – quite literally anything – with your current ride, just lodge a little comment in the feedback section. You’ll most likely cop a voucher for the next ride and frankly, companies need to know when their customers are being shafted. Just don’t overdo it, no one wants to be that annoying guy.
Need more inspo in getting that free bread? Have a squiz at the vid below:
Remember – you may be broke, but you’ll rarely be ‘can’t afford a $1 Slurpee’ broke. Make the most of it.
