Look, we get it. There’s no logical explanation as to why Australia should be competing in Eurovision, a song contest notably named after the countries eligible to compete. We can’t even pull a Russia and claim to be European on the basis that like 1/10th of our huge, enourmous country is in there. We are on the other side of the world, and that is where we belong.
But as we all know, Australians go absolutely fucking mad for the dorky song contest. Bloody love it. Pyrotechnics, key changes, weirdly heavy metal forays after yet another ballad in a RuPaul-level ballgown… it’s like sport for people who hate sport. We hoof that shit up. And then in 2015, our deepest nerd dreams were realised, and Australia was officially invited to compete.
So along comes Ryan Reynolds, noted Canadian and smarmy bastard, getting all on high and mighty about Australia’s inclusion in Eurovision when his own country is excluded.
“Canada. A beautiful country steeped in rich musical history that includes the likes of Adams, Bieber, Young, Bublé, Shatner,” he said in a video posted to Twitter. (Technically he’s in character as Deadpool and this is a promotion for Deadpool 2, but we assume they’re basically the same person, personality-wise.)
“And yet, we’ve been snubbed by that European sing-song competition thing you guys use your shit over. Our generous gift of Celine Dion alone should earn us an invite.
“And don’t give me that crap about Canada not being part of the European family. You let in Australia, and they’re barely on the planet.”
Reynolds / Deadpool continues: “Well it stops now, Europe. You’ve awakened a sleeping moose.”
Best of luck, mate. When your country spends three decades going freaking bananas for a sing-song competition it’s not even in, come talk to us. Until then, good luck with your movie or whatever.