Call PEDESTRIAN.TV many things, but you could never fairly call us un-passionate in affairs of divorce-induced public auctions.

In the lead-up to last Saturday’s Russell Crowe’s “The Art Of Divorce” auction, a result of a super spenno divorce from Danielle Spencer, we’ve been fastidious in our coverage.

We provided a select run-down of all the goods you needed to know about, from fake horses from the The Gladiator set to fossils dating to the Cretaceous Period. 

In the immediate aftermath of the auction, we offered you a story so big we’re still struggling to grapple with its consequences: did John Oliver buy Crowe’s used jockstrap at the auction?

Today, the dust has settled.  Now, we offer you a staggering account of what shit sold for how much. There were 227 items up for auction, realising more than $3.7 million. Here are our faves. All the prices are inclusive of the 20% rort buyers premium.

A MUHAMMAD ALI FACE PLASTER CAST

Why did Russell own this? Muhammad Ali’s own boxing trainer gave this one to him, assumedly when Russ underwent a bit of a boxing obsession while filming Cinderella Man, not to be confused with Hilary Duff vehicle, A Cinderella Story.

ESTIMATE WORTH: $800-$1,200
SOLD FOR: $2,318

ROMPER STOMPER DOC MARTENS

We were ready to write about how, considering the violence of Romper Stomper, spending $12,200 on these boots is a little suspect. But it turns out the National Museum of Australia forked out for it, which makes a little more sense.

ESTIMATE WORTH: $10,000-$15,000
SOLD FOR: $12,220

SOME MANKY ASS DOLL

Nope, no. Nope. Regardless of what film this cloth doll is from, it is not worth $1,464 dollars. Apologies to that one super-fan of The Sum Of Us. Look at those legs, like baby carrots which have been left in the sun to lose their colour and flaccidfy, a word I just invented to describe this disgusting doll.

ESTIMATE WORTH: $400-$600
SOLD FOR: $1,464 

PURPLE SUIT FROM VIRTUOSITY

Glad to see Client Liaison are just burning money now.

ESTIMATE WORTH: $1000-$2000
SOLD FOR: $1830

LOTS OF STUFF FROM GLADIATOR, WHICH ADMITTEDLY IS A BANGER OF A FILM

Gladiator costumes went OFF at the auction, which isn’t exactly that surprising. This one sold for $152,000, which is a lot for a sweat-stained piece of leather that looks like it came from an online costume rental store. Maximus’s outfits are truly this winter’s most sought out items: his wrist cuffs sold for $39,040, and a damaged sword he used to stab that tiger went for $85,400. His fucking chariot went for $79,300.

ESTIMATE WORTH: $20,000-$30,000
SOLD FOR: $152,000

TWO LIFE-SIZED FAUX HORSES THAT WILL HAUNT YOUR DREAMS

One fake horse? Fine. Two? The beginnings of a cult.

Sold separately, the two each sold for $6,710 – we do not know if they were split up, but we hope so, for their powers wain when they are apart.

ESTIMATED WORTH: $2,000-$4,000
SOLD FOR: $6,710

THE BROWN SUEDE JOCKSTRAP

John Oliver may or may have not bought this sordid item, infected with the mojo of R Crowe’s crotch, for $8,540. Bargain.

ESTIMATED WORTH: $500-$600
SOLD FOR: $8,540

A VIOLIN RUSSELL PRETENDED TO PLAY ONCE IN THAT REALLY BORING FILM

Refusing to believe anyone likes Master And Commander, I posit this sold because someone was super wet for Leandro Bisiach Snr.

ESTIMATED WORTH: $110,000-$140,000
SOLD FOR: $164,700

THE MOSASAUR SKULL

Rich people have too much money. Nobody needs this except a museum.

ESTIMATED WORTH: $35,000-$40,000
SOLD FOR: $79,3000

BONUS: THE SHIT NO ONE BOUGHT

If you spot some cricket memorabilia or some original Australian watercolours artworks on Gumtree, be blessed knowing old Russ has had a bit of trouble pawning it off. You can probably haggle his Bill Henson down to a pineapple, I reckon.

Photo: Sothersbys