I was working at Boost Juice the night ‘Twilight’ was released in theatres and I had never seen so many people in my life. We were right opposite Event Cinemas and we sold so many Mango Magics that you could have filled an Olympic-sized swimming pool with them, really. Everyone was there to see Robert Pattinson. For the next few years, he was popular, Michael Jordan levels of fame. I saw him as a bit of a Backstreet Boy: hot with no artistic integrity, cute but couldn’t act for shit. He was merely a puppet hired to be hot enough that mums and their daughters would pay to see five shitty movies made from four crappy books. A money making machine, to me he was kinda what was wrong with the world.
However, overtime R-Patz has proved me wrong. He has had every opportunity to be boring, but a few odd independent movie roles here, a few whacky interview moments there, this fucking pasta (literally an amazing idea btw) and this random as shit photo of him, Beyoncé and my favourite band Death Grips has made me want to deep dive into his quirky side. After my research, I can comfortably and confidently say that I now like him A LOT. He is perfectly sarcastic and doesn’t take himself seriously and obviously knows how to bag himself a top tier girlfriend. Here are some of the things that make even the biggest haters (me) change my mind about “just another hot guy” to perfect weirdo.
1. His Reddit AMA to promote the movie ‘Good Time’ was top quality “fuck you” content
Robert Pattnison wiping his ass with his hand mummified in TP is the only way I would have imagined him doing it anyway.
robert pattinson’s reddit ama was truly a Blessing pic.twitter.com/XJsnCHm4OZ
— imo (@theIastpoets) May 12, 2018
2. The time he shaved a LANDING STRIP into THE BACK OF HIS HEAD.
Although it looks horrible, kudos for creativity. I have literally never ever ever seen this on anyone else’s head. He also sported it on the red carpet.
3. He put his gum in a water glass and drank from it during an on camera interview and didn’t bat an eyelid.
We do weird shit when no one is watching. I like to blow my nose on the t shirt I’m wearing. R-Patz likes gum flavoured water and he doesn’t care who knows it.
robert pattinson throwing his gum in a glass of water and then drinking from it pic.twitter.com/hFa2V5wAID
— best of rob (fan account) (@bestpattinson) November 29, 2019
4. Blatantly lying in interviews to entertain himself.
Answering the same five interview questions for months on end promoting a movie must get flat out boring as shit. Robert later admitted to making up this whole story just because he was bored. I love that, it’s so punk.
6. He fell asleep while a film festival was screening a tribute to him.
If that is not big dick energy, I’m not sure what is. This happened while he as being honoured by the Karlovy Vary Film Festival. Leave him alone, the festival circuit must be tiring.
robert pattinson falling asleep at his own film festival tribute pic.twitter.com/tiNhGshu61
— best of rob (fan account) (@bestpattinson) October 17, 2019
6. He has zero shame in his odd childhood behaviour.
Little Bob liked to eat pencils when he was a kid. He didn’t specify whether he still eats them or not but something tells me he treats himself to it every now and then.
7. Saying ‘Chicken Run’ is his favourite chick flick.
Rob himself was pretty much the essential chick flick love interest of the late ’00s, but when asked what his personal favourite chick flick was, he answered ‘Chicken Run’.
8. The fact that he scared his own stalker off with his dark soul.
My lord to be a fly on the wall during that outing. Someone contact this girl I want a transcript on everything he said. My dark soul can handle yours Rob if you are reading this and looking for someone to offload on.
9. This top quality short film about the trials and tribulations of being famous and hungry at the same time.
Robert wrote this movie. I have never thought about how hard it would be to just go grab a hot dog when you are ‘Twilight’ famous. It’s deep and ridiculous at the same time. Just like him.
10. Please take the time to watch this video of Robert shitting all over Twilight for three minutes.
My favourite quote from this video: “Looking like a vampire is just a mixture of being stoned and constipated which is quite easy to achieve.” If that’s the case I must walk around looking like a Cullen more often that not.
11. He likes to get freaky in the bedroom and it comforts me to know it.
Nothing hotter than when your bae spits in your mouth in the moment of sex… Robert reckons.
12. Finally, how could we forget, #healthyjuicegate
Robert will not jump on the kale bandwagon just because the rest of LA is.
BONUS: Just cause it’s sexy.
Keep shining, Bob!