Second only to The Met Gala Red Carpet, and the Oscars, and maybe everything about Cannes, the CFDA (Council of Funky Dudes, Ayyy[?]) Fashion Awards Red Carpet is literally the most major Red Carpet to watch, if only for its high concentration (98%) of Rihanna Butt.

Yasss, the guest of honour at this year’s ceremony @BadGalRiRi wore nothing but a crystal fishnet, zero phucks and a glitter do-rag to accept The 2014 Fashion Icon award – a totally meaningless honorific previously bestowed on embarrassing coatracks like Johnny Depp and Lady Gaga, or actual icons like Iman. Show me a better photo from today than the above of Anna Wintour’s Evident Chagrin and Rih’s Free Nipples and I’ll show you another photo of Rihanna, because shut up, that’s why. 

Herewith, a red carpet exegesis of celebrities wearing maximum clothes with the minimum giving of fucks at the 2014 CFDA Awards.

The most recent and excellent addition to the cast of Star Wars: Episode VII, Lupita Nyong’o wears graphic candy stripe culottes by Suno that give the CFDA rug a run for its money.

Rihanna’s Nipples Pull Focus At The CFDA Awards: A Red Carpet Exegesis

Emmy Rossum wears a crimped hair helmet and busy pistachio J. Mendel and I could not for the life of me tell you something she has been in. 

Rihanna’s Nipples Pull Focus At The CFDA Awards: A Red Carpet Exegesis

Dree Hemingway looks really serene, very beautiful in DVF. Strangely enough, she wears the exact expression I made while I was trying to remember why Dree Hemingway is a thing.

Rihanna’s Nipples Pull Focus At The CFDA Awards: A Red Carpet Exegesis

Karlie Kloss is a regal all-American bandanna standing tall in vanilla Band Of Outsiders.

Rihanna’s Nipples Pull Focus At The CFDA Awards: A Red Carpet Exegesis

Decades: That’s where Olivia Wilde sourced this fringed Morticia Addams vintage couture number that once belonged to Anjelica Houston. 

Decades: That’s how long it’s going to take you to earn enough money to buy one of your own or have hair like this.  

Rihanna’s Nipples Pull Focus At The CFDA Awards: A Red Carpet Exegesis

Jennifer Hudson looks très pissed she got dealt a Selina Meyer ‘do in equal parts sxc and demure Kaufmanfranco. She looks really great tho.

Rihanna’s Nipples Pull Focus At The CFDA Awards: A Red Carpet Exegesis

Jehovah’s Witness door-knocker with the highest conversion rate, Coco Rocha, has a Pygmallion moment/Selina Meyer in London situation in Christian Siriano.

That’s two tenuous VEEP segues in a row. Sorry, I’m not even sorry.

Rihanna’s Nipples Pull Focus At The CFDA Awards: A Red Carpet Exegesis

Betsey MF Johnson or Janice From The Muppets? You decide! m/

Rihanna’s Nipples Pull Focus At The CFDA Awards: A Red Carpet Exegesis

Joan Smalls exudes Puerto Rican peekaboo vibes in NSFW Prabal Gurung and Lea Michele’s scalp.

Rihanna’s Nipples Pull Focus At The CFDA Awards: A Red Carpet Exegesis

Don’t act like you don’t know this is Naomi Campbell’s Inner Monologue at all times, especially today:

Rihanna’s Nipples Pull Focus At The CFDA Awards: A Red Carpet Exegesis

Rihanna’s Nipples Pull Focus At The CFDA Awards: A Red Carpet Exegesis

Funnily enough, Alessandro Ambrosio’s dress is by Nonoo.

Rihanna’s Nipples Pull Focus At The CFDA Awards: A Red Carpet Exegesis

Iman wears everything.

Rihanna’s Nipples Pull Focus At The CFDA Awards: A Red Carpet Exegesis

Ersatz Iman, Chanel Iman, looks A+ poured into vampish Monique Lhuillier, definitely knows it. 

Rihanna’s Nipples Pull Focus At The CFDA Awards: A Red Carpet Exegesis

Blake Lively is a vivacious Sixties sex kitten in scalloped Michael Kors, all of the bangles, a circa ’07 headband (!!!) and pair of really expensive white gold hoops. Ugh. She kills me (with kindness).

Rihanna’s Nipples Pull Focus At The CFDA Awards: A Red Carpet Exegesis

Raise your hand if you’re a sexygenarian who looks better than most 26-year olds.

Rihanna’s Nipples Pull Focus At The CFDA Awards: A Red Carpet Exegesis

Ethiopian goddess Liya Kebede opts for a fresh take on business casual in chic Wes Gordon tic tacs.

Rihanna’s Nipples Pull Focus At The CFDA Awards: A Red Carpet Exegesis

Prescient as ever, Sports Illustrated soothsayer Chrissy Teigen wears Rachel Roy.

Rihanna’s Nipples Pull Focus At The CFDA Awards: A Red Carpet Exegesis

Shout out to Donna Summer’s cover of ‘Mac Arthur Park’. Shout out to Solange, who looks like a magnificent cake that has been left out in the rain by Francisco Costa for Calvin Klein, and who would’ve been dealing all night with the constant suspicion that people are still talking about That Thing

Rihanna’s Nipples Pull Focus At The CFDA Awards: A Red Carpet Exegesis

Here’s a photo of two random 86-year-old 27-year-olds clinging to a hollow miniature human made of steel and presented in recognition of their achievements as the Accessory Designers Of The Year. 

Ashley also holds a trophy.

Rihanna’s Nipples Pull Focus At The CFDA Awards: A Red Carpet Exegesis

Marion Cotilliard, vaguely amused and mostly-unimpressed by her winged Dior doily. 

Rihanna’s Nipples Pull Focus At The CFDA Awards: A Red Carpet Exegesis

Rihanna’s Nipples Pull Focus At The CFDA Awards: A Red Carpet Exegesis

Rihanna’s Nipples Pull Focus At The CFDA Awards: A Red Carpet Exegesis

Zac Posen inspects Greta Gerwig’s vermillion gravy train for any remaining traces of How I Met Your Dad

Nope, none.

Rihanna’s Nipples Pull Focus At The CFDA Awards: A Red Carpet Exegesis

Jamie King is the chicest Deal With It Sloth in minimal folk, artisanal Calvin Klein Collection.

Rihanna’s Nipples Pull Focus At The CFDA Awards: A Red Carpet Exegesis

From all angles: Rihanna wears a fishtail fishnet hand embroidered with 230,000 Swarovski crystals designed by her River Island and tour costume collaborator (and her stylist Mel Ottenberg’s boyfriend), Adam Selmanaccessorised with an artfully placed pink Pologeorgis fur stole to hide her flesh coloured gee.

Rihanna’s Nipples Pull Focus At The CFDA Awards: A Red Carpet Exegesis

U mad?

Rihanna’s Nipples Pull Focus At The CFDA Awards: A Red Carpet Exegesis

Rihanna’s Nipples Pull Focus At The CFDA Awards: A Red Carpet Exegesis

Rihanna’s Nipples Pull Focus At The CFDA Awards: A Red Carpet Exegesis

Photo: Larry Busacca, Dimitrios Kambouris via Getty