Well, here we are folks. We’ve made it to The Real Housewives of Sydney finale. While there’s been quite a few ‘eh’ moments as the fledgling show finds its feet, overall it’s been spectacular. Two questions, however, remain:
– Did last night’s episode deliver the bang it needed to in order to conclude the season on a high?
– And what’s in store for the reunion?
Alas, I can’t answer the latter. But the former? Yeah, I can. That motherfucker deserves a Gold Logie (perhaps Melissa can lend hers).
The episode begins with Athena casually visiting her hypnotist. Fuck me dead. Anyway, the human potato reckons she’s been harbouring ill-will towards some of the women because of – hang on, I need a second to hold back my vomit… okay, we good – a past life experience.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. WOT?! SURELY FUCKING NOT.
Athena regresses into her past life in 1793, where her name is Yakavos (probs not how you spell it, but whatever).
She hasn’t sprouted a cock as far as I can tell, so I ain’t sold that it’s legit.
Athena reckons that her past-life wife had bailed to go fuck Nicole‘s past-life. Nicole and her new bae lived happily ever after with Athena and Nicole’s daughter, who JUST SO HAPPENS TO BE fucking Lisa Oldfield. Shook. As you can see, the whole entirely-real-and-not-fake-whatsoever regression has left her genuinely WOKE.
She goes on to say that she won’t reveal these shocking revelations to the women, but yet she seems comfortable revealing it to hundreds of thousands of Aussie viewers. GAH, I CAN’T.
Matty goes to visit ol’ mate Christa Billich who you might remember as the woman who fed her pooches caviar in the great dog-sitting disaster of yore. Given she was quite subdued during that encounter, her comparatively hectic behaviour comes as quite a shock. Like, it took all of 30-seconds before she starts squeezing Matty’s boobs. Love it.
She announces that her Insta-famous pooch Charlie Billich is getting… hitched. BUT NOT JUST HITCHED TO A DOG. No, that’d be way too basic. Charlie’s being joined in holy matrimony to a cat.
mMmmMmm yeah luv me sum pussy ay
Billich then goes on to ask Matty to be Charlie’s maid of honour.
Then, in a shocking twist, Billich informs Matty that this isn’t the first time Charlie’s taken vows. Unfortunately Charlie’s OG partner had sexual tendencies at odds with her own, specifically having a proclivity to bite Charlie’s pussy.
Matty then goes on to review the nek-level menu for the pooches in attendance and can’t believe what’s happening.
Then, Billich shares that she’s recently had a bit of work done downstairs.
Billich reckons the procedure was extremely enjoyable, saying she almost orgasmed while getting it done. Good on ya, luv.
Even though I love them both, I couldn’t help but piss myself that Victoria and Melissa went to fucking IVY for drinks. C’mon, girls. REALLY?! They both review the ridiculousness of last episode’s food-truck intervention drama. Victoria declares that she’s simply going to ignore Athena moving forward as that’s the best way to get under her skin.
Athena invites everyone (besides Victoria) to Breakfast at Levendi and only Lisa, Krissy and Nicole rock up. The whole thing is chic as shit, but kinda ridic.
They’re all gifted a watch, because Athena needs to buy her mates. Then they play dress ups with all the jewels in the store.
Very conveniently and not staged in the slightest, invitations arrive for the upcoming, interspecies nuptials from Billich.
The invitations prompt a conversation about the iconic Billich duo. Rumour has it that Christa and acclaimed artist Charles have an open relo (which would explain the designer vagina), and that Charles has a habit of sleeping with the women he paints.
Krissy raises that he’s painted Matty before, and Nicole confirms that she’s seen the piece in Matty’s bedroom.
While it’s very heavily alluded to, none of the women explicitly say “OI, YOU RECKON MATTY FUCKED OL’ MATE???”. Like, from what I saw, none of them actually thought that’d be the case – they were just pointing out the coincidence.
Victoria, Matty and Krissy meet up to do aerial yoga. Aerial yoga? What WILL they think of next. Victoria comments that she’d rather shoot herself than participate in such a fucking ridiculous thing, but given the intervention-prompting backlash from Singapore, she wisely chooses to attend to prevent any more BS. Like, look at this shit – WHAT EVEN?!
Victoria’s on the same page saying, “I don’t want to hang from the ceiling doing fuck all.” Bless. She then asks about Athena’s breakfast, which essentially leads into her hanging shit on the Levendi watches they were gifted.
Before you know it, the big day has arrived. Athena thinks the thing is cooked.
MATE. Fucking tape yourself for five minutes, and trust me, you’ll hear several things more “preposterous” than an interspecies, lesbian wedding (which, y’know, is fucking SAYING SOMETHING).
While Lisa, Athena and Matty are in the limo to the ceremony, Lisa raises what was said (but like, not said at all) at the breakfast re: Matty hopping on the good foot and doing the bad thing with Charles Billich. Lisa and Athena tell Matty that Krissy was very fast to point out / suggest that she’d slept with him, which from the footage I saw, is a fucking stretch. Besides, all of them went along with it and you really could see that there was no malice behind the conversation. Lisa and Athena, naughti-naughti. Matty does point out that she’d probably rock his world so hard he’d cark it.
Now seated, Lisa and Athena are quick to point out that Victoria’s not there.
FrostOfficial is the first to arrive, sporting some ridiculous costume. She really, really doesn’t want to be there.
Christa and Charlie are hot on its tails.
Athena begins heckling the wedding party, and even though the entire thing is fucking ludicrous, her comments make everyone (including us folks watching at home) feel hella uncomfortable. Put a cork in it you cooker.
The reception is hosted at Billich Gallery and it’s 50 Shades of Fucked Up.
Melissa asks if anyone’s heard from Victoria, and not wanting to waste time, Athena arks up.
Krissy, having now come to her senses after her brief love affair with the potato, is quick to defend Victoria. Athena remarks that they’re all her defenders, and they agree that they stand up for a mate. Somehow this acts as a lead in to the Matty-sleeping-with-Charles situation at the breakfast. Krissy is baffled by the accusation.
Matty goes full Sass Kween, which is such a sight to behold. Given the excessive amount of beautiful gesticulation, I kinda couldn’t understand what Matty was hoping to achieve by going all, “AW-HELL-NAH”.
Everyone starts yelling at each other, which of course means Melissa is SHOOKETH.
Matty, being the sensible woman that she is, concedes that the whole thing is likely just shit-stirring by Lisa and Athena. She then continues to yell incoherently for a while. Then, like a badly-time but elegant bat out of hell, Victoria arrives.
Athena, once again, starts criticising Athena for her tardiness in a cutscene. Strangely, Victoria attempts to warmly greet Athena and it backfires.
Apparently this act cements Victoria as an inherently evil being.
The ladies, sans Lisa and Athena, discuss Victoria’s lateness with her. She raises that she’d spoken to some of her gay friends who thought that the pet wedding was kinda fucked and did sweet nothing for the fight for marriage equality.
Given her objections to the whole thing, Victoria’s attendance was strictly to see the women – but raises that everywhere she goes, she’s attacked. Look, she’s not wrong…
By this stage, Krissy’s flipped her lid.
Ah, but say his name and the devil(s) shall appear – just seconds after she’s expressed her vexations, Athena and Lisa return for round two. They awkwardly stand on the fringe of the group, with a look adorned on each of their faces’ that reads like, “COME AT ME YA CUNTZ.”
In the blink of an eye, Athena’s having another crack at Krissy. She questions how she’d previously said one woman shouldn’t run down another and how that doesn’t marry up with what she’d said about Matty’s nonexistent hoe activity. Matty’s had it by this stage and can’t comprehend why in god’s name they’re still talking about this.
Everyone’s yelling at everyone. The girls have gone wild. Lisa’s yelling at Krissy saying, “Do you want to know why I think you think I’m a dangerous friend?”. Matty, screaming blue murder, replies on Krissy’s behalf with, “Because you’re a snake.” Now, it’s well established that Lisa loves her reptilian companion. So much so, it would seem, that she’s willing to push someone if they have a crack at her pet’s species. Chaos erupts, Matty embraces her inner-Housewife, throws her glass of champagne on Lisa and backs it up with a push of her own. GOD THIS IS SOME GOOD SHIT.
Lisa then comes back with another.
Matty has reached new heights of fury, and concedes that she’s had enough of both Lisa and Athena before smashing her glass on the floor. #Iconic.
She then storms out, making sure they all know how she feels.
With Matty out of the picture, Athena refocuses her aim at Krissy and Nicole – claiming that Krissy, “Drinks all the alcohol at the bar.”
Krissy starts rattling off all the times Athena hit the sauce hard, to which Athena denies ever happening. She mildly suggests that she doesn’t drink alcohol whatsoever. Krissy rightly points out they’d just been sinking the bubbles in the morning at her breakfast just days before.
Just when you thought shit couldn’t get any more hectic than Lisa and Matty’s spat, Athena produces a fucking glitter bomb and throws it at Krissy. Nope, that’s not a fucking joke. That’s an actual thing that happened.
Onlookers at the party are WOKE by the move. Nicole joins them in their horror.
But, at least Krissy’s girls look banging.
Victoria returns to check up on Krissy. Even after all the cooked shit Athena’s done to Victoria, she literally can’t believe she’s just done something like that.
Athena, who’d bailed after the attack, returns with Lisa by her side. She overhears Victoria saying she’s drunk as fuck 24/7, and asks her why she’s lying. Victoria responds by citing Athena’s Greek birthday where she was obviously off-bone.
Yes, Victoria pronounced “blind” just like any Aussie would – with a terribly uncouth twang. Athena, who’s obviously never seen that video of the off-chops dude on a scooter in Bali (read: “I’m fknnn BLIIIIIIIIND”), digs at Victoria’s language abilities.
It’s hard to make out, but when Athena says, “Learn how to speak English”, someone says, “Pot calling kettle”. Dead.
Then, Victoria delivers Athena some very sage wisdom.
Athena, like a child, retorts with, “You’re the asshole”. The whole scene turns into a flurry of insults – the perfect moment to begin concluding the season.
What a first season. What a group of women. Literally, someone put a ‘slippery when wet’ sign down on my chair – it’s fucking saturated.
Make sure y’all tune in for the RHOS reunion next Sunday at 9:30PM on Foxtel‘s Arena.
Photo: The Real Housewives of Sydney.