PREVIOUSLY ON ‘THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF SYDNEY’: sure, some shit happened, but all that matters is Krissy‘s phenomenal eye-roll and #CapeGate.
All hail Krissy’s gloriously sarcastic eye-roll. Long may it reign.
If you’re yet to have witnessed what can only be described as undeniably iconic television, then I highly encourage you to quit your job, go home and watch it immediately. The show is off to such a savage start that I’m wearing a t-shirt that says ‘Slippery When Wet’ RN.
Anyway, Krissy pops over to Victoria‘s crib to debrief on the other night / suss out all the “fully hectics” milling about Bondi. She produces a box of Jatz Crackers and this seems to please her sovereign, Queen Victoria.
The reference of “Jatz Crackers”, now running into the show’s second episode, looks like it’s here to stay. I can imagine how feverishly Arnott‘s PR team is masturbating beneath their desks over the free / quality exposure their mainstay product is receiving. I mean, you really can’t buy that kind of press.
Victoria reveals that she’s about to start hunting again for the man that sired her. Her father allegedly bailed on them for $100,000, and Victoria’s grandparents were the ones who wrote the cheque (talk about some Jane Austen shit, right?!). Even though it really doesn’t have anything to fucking do with her, Krissy turns into a blubbering mess. Victoria, the person who should probs be crying in this situation, does a bang-up job of not scolding her.
Victoria announces that she’s throwing a waterfront luncheon (dress code: embrace your inner basic and wear all white, pls) and is tossing up whether bonafide biscuit, AthenaX, will cop an invite. Due to the fledgling stages of the show, we all know the cooker will get her foot in the door some way or another.
Next, we see the angelic Melissa fulfilling her charity quota for the year by shopping with bat-shit crazy AthenaX. She wisely advises her to tone down the spiritual bullshit, but AthenaX ain’t having a bar of it.
While they’re reviewing fugly ensembles, Victoria gets Melissa on the blower to invite her to the aforementioned congregation of the basics. As per Real Housewife law, she pops Queen V on loudspeaker. Victoria, oblivious to AthenaX being able to hear her, asks Melissa whether the notorious namaste-er should be graced with an invite. AthenaX hears this. It’s awkward. Melissa tells Victoria what’s happening. Victoria, having now lost her footing, apologises for #CapeGate and extends an invite.
After that shirt-tugging incident, we’re treated to more insight into Lisa Oldfield and her nontraditional approach to parenting.
Given that I’m quite out of touch with what’s being said on the mummy blog circuit, I’ve got no clue how the general public are reacting to Lisa’s childrearing. I highly doubt that it’s supportive though.
At the end of the day, they’re white privileged boys who’ll grow up to be white privileged men. They’ll be right as fucking rain, regardless of how much she cusses in front of ’em.
Running with the family theme, Krissy’s congregated her own offspring for a fam dinner. The whole thing is a bit contrived / boring until you realise that one of her kids isn’t actually one of her kids.
Looks like one happy family, right? WRONG. The child at the front is no child at all. It’s actually Krissy’s fucking chef?!
Then again, it could actually be one of her children… Like, maybe because of a sex scandal years before, she’s been forced to cook and clean for them Cinderella-style. She was once known by a different name, but while she serves out her punishment, she will be known as Margie The Chef. Margie can’t wait for the day they all forget the shame she brought to the name Marsh.
Skipping past a bit of fluffy filler shit, we see Victoria and Matty arrive at the lunch with Krissy and Nicole hot on their tail. After ordering a round of Skinny Bitches, Krissy raises Lisa’s hectic social media savagery – focusing on a post made on the anniversary of Amy Winehouse‘s death where Lisa congratulated her on being “five years sober”.
AthenaX and Melissa arrive to the lunch. Somehow, Victoria and AthenaX aren’t spontaneously thrust into a cage to fight to the death (Foxtel probably faced some legal restrictions and decided not to), so they smile and everything appears dandy. Victoria, being the elegant sport that she is, has placed boxes of gifts on the table as a peace offering to them all after #CapeGate.
Krissy, while sifting through the goodies in the box, shows us what her formative college years would’ve been like:
Victoria included a pair of her fave g-strings amongst the gifts. AthenaX doesn’t wear g-bangers (probs because one of her past lives had a bad experience with ’em or some shit), so she throws them Krissy’s way. Queen Victoria is not impressed by this.
AthenaX then produces two olive branches for Victoria and Krissy. Her aesthetic while doing so has strong Crocodile Dundee vibes.
It was all smooth sailing until Paul Hogan and Buddah’s love child was getting all worked up over a simple line of questioning. At this point, the women are just trying to get the 411 on what the fuck is going through this spud’s mind / understand what she’s all about. This included where the ‘X’ in AthenaX came from, which prompted this:
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD ONE, IDIOT. How truly fucked do you have to be that your life of exorbitant luxury is anyway comparable to that of Malcolm X‘s?!
As per, Matty is shook.
Nicole and Krissy have no idea who Malcolm X is. Shit’s generally fucked. Even though she’s the dumbest one in the room for comparing herself to Malcolm X, AthenaX has a jab at all of them – insinuating they’re all shallow.
Matty raises the very valid point that AthenaX obviously reads into things too much. Athena X, reading into it too much, essentially calls Matty shallow. Matty (and I’ve been waiting for her to show some of that sassy passion I know’s been bubbling under her surface) starts to go at her. Things probably would’ve fully kicked off if it weren’t for Lisa’s belated entrance.
In true Lisa form, she’s gone against the grain and worn black instead of white.
It doesn’t take Krissy long (like, five seconds) for her to ask about the Amy Winehouse post. Lisa explains that it’s just dark humour, that she deleted it and apologised if it had offended. She likens herself to the Ozzy Osbourne of Sydney. Krissy reckons her bark is worse than her bite, so Lisa decides to show her that’s not the case.
She then follows it up with this BTS zinger:
The women sense the tension growing between Lisa and Krissy, so Matty steps in to cool it off. While she’s at it, however, she takes another chance at having a swipe at AthenaX. During their rumble, AthenaX drops the ‘F’ bomb: “fake”.
Matty is furious, and it looks like a demon is about to emerge from her soul:
AthenaX, seeing she’s doing damage, claims that Matty goes tit-for-tat on her patients’ botox injections. If there’s one thing we know about women like this, it’s to never bring work into the equation. everyone’s generally SHOOK.
Matty, fed up with the douche’s crap, gets up and leaves. Krissy calls out AthenaX on her shit, and she replies saying “the kettle turned around and called the pot black.” God she’s an idiot. I can’t even.
All-in-all, the event is ruined. Lisa comments that “having lunch with all these women, together, is like being lobotomised with a knitting needle and no anaesthetic.” While it might seem like that way to you, honey, we’re all having a hoot watching this crap play out.
Lastly, Queen Victoria requests to fang past Maccas on the way home – likely because her drama-starting hunger hasn’t been tamed yet.
Until next week, biatches.
You can catch The Real Housewives of Sydney every Sunday at 8:30pm on Foxtel’s Arena.