Names have power – in this particular case, the power to keep me up at night in sheer terror. Welcome to the ring… Renesmee. 

*Ding ding*

Renesmee, despite meaning well and having a heart of gold, I’m sure, was a clusterfuck from start to finish – from the nightmarish film CGI, which literally made her look like she belonged in Sims 1 Deluxe Edition rather than Forks, Washington, her entire being reeked of tomfoolery. The most pertinent contributor to her ridiculousness, however? Her damn name. Pure clownery.

CORRECT. I DON’T.

Let me just start off by saying that I wasn’t even a hater of the series from the outset. I was actually an avid reader of the first few books and was really rooting for Bella and Edward – I wanted them both to win at life. To thrive and prosper. Etc.

But, and I shit you not, the very moment I read that they were naming their thing ‘Renesmee’, I sighed, uttered the words ‘surely not’, calmly closed the book and never to return to it again. I then moved over to the Hunger Games.

Long story short, the arrival of the name ‘Renesmee’ killed my Twilight boner. A boner I’d worked so hard to manifest.

Before writing this anti-Renesmee thesis, I searched the name on Facebook and couldn’t find anyone with the legitimate name ‘Renesmee’, so I don’t think I’ll be getting any angry emails from the Renesmees of the world, intent on vehemently defending their given names. (Sidebar number 1: if you are out there, Renesmee, I’d love to quiz you about being betrothed to the fugliest name in humanity.)

The only person I may be offending in this hateful ode is Stephenie Meyer herself, but I’m sure she’s thriving with her many millions. (Sidebar number 2: if you are out there, Stephenie Meyer, I’d also love to quiz you about your reasoning behind creating the fugliest name in humanity. Over some brunch, perhaps? I know a place.)

Look, I appreciate the sentiment behind the name. I really do. I love that it connects that dreaded CGI-glitchy vampire Sim to her grandmothers’ legacies.

But you know who won’t appreciate the sentiment? Renesmee herself. When she’s at vampire school, there’ll come a time (if it hasn’t already) when she’ll look around at the Beyonces and North Wests in the classroom and think “why the fuck did my parents name me Renesmee?” She’ll then run to the school bathrooms, stare at herself in the mirror and rue the day her pasty parents decided on her lame-ass name for the sake of sentimental value. What Bella and Edward should have valued was Renesmee’s popularity in school. Alas, they did not. Selfish vampires.

Jacob’s nickname for her, “Nessie”, is low-key cute, but let’s not distract ourselves from the real pressing issue here – the issue of Edward and Bella being so damn cruel and naming their child Renesmee. (Also Jacob could, like, still get it. Hi.)

With these points in mind, I hereby announce my Kickstarter campaign to get Stephanie Meyer to officially rename Renesmee Sharon. Why? Well, if Renesmee exudes an aura equivalent to an underwhelming 17th century fart, Sharon symbolises humility, relatability and down-to-Earth-ivity.

We stan a Sharon.

Image: Summit / Twilight