Last night in Sydney, a strange procession of relatively famous humans sat in an auditorium, gave each other awards and watched as Shane Bourne died a thousand deaths on stage in an absurd reenactment of ritualised comedic slaughter not seen since Neolithic Europe, or your primary school assembly.
Prior to these madcap hijinks, celebrities great and small ricocheted at random down a stretch of carpet schmoozing a strange breed of person who, for want of money or enhanced eBay seller authenticity, had been standing upright for hours in the vain hope that Cate Blanchett might indulge them with a highly-professional selfie or sign their Blue Jasmine poster respectively.
Only one type of red carpet onlooker was vindicated; the other [me] will now give you a rundown of the fashions paraded at The 3rd Annual AACTA Awards, the winners of which can be found here.
Some random bird radiating flawless life vibes in incandescent Givenchy Spring 2014.
Best Supporting Actress winner Elizabeth Debicki – a Shetland Blanchett, if you will – is eleven metres tall; so tall that she’s presumably forced against her will to wear kitten heels, and even then she’s still taller than every other pleb in attendance.
Debicki looked radiant in exquisitely beaded Armani that, if you look closely, was almost as prickly as her disposition. Kidding. Being a celebrity would suck. Such fan, very honour. Wow.
Mad Max: Fury Road model-turned-actress Courtney Eaton looks like a certified movie star in J’Aton Couture. She’s only just finished two Hollywood blockbuster movies though because she’s eighteen. What have you done lately?
Man With The Iron Fist’s Grace Huang looks fantastic and very expensive poured into what I think is scarlet Burberry paired with gold cuffs and sexual cut-outs.
Human AACTA award (golden, statuesque, stiff as a board, gesticulating to the heavens as she emotes during her cover of Des’ree’s Kissing You) Delta Goodrem is all abs in a burgundy morphsuit by Michael Costello, accessorised with Geoffrey Rush.
Very private rumoured newlyweds – don’t ask, show some respect – Lara Bingle and Sam Worthington provided a much-needed injection of windswept in Ellery and Louis Vuitton respectively. He’s cray in love, guys, and she’s wearing a very similar Ellery dress to the look Lorde wore to the ARIAs. Nonetheless, she looks great. A1 bombshell makeup.
Très toned and tan Rachel Griffiths is six feet underwhelming in a tuxedo skirt situation. Jokes. I think she looks legit amazing and just want to shoehorn Six Feet Under references in everywhere because I love that show.
I liked Alyssa McClelland’s black onesie with the sheer décolletage panel. Fun fact: she played London Groupie in Queen of The Damned.
Gracie Otto, also in H2T black, looks super polished in Dolce & Gabbana bell-sleeve lace that balances sacrosanct modesty with $EX¥. The pumps, hair and makeup all get an A+.
Australian television drama’s cool mum Claudia Karvan is fitter than I’ll ever be and looked like a really fun time in this black column gown with plunging sheer boob insert and perplexing diamond hip crustaceans.
The AACTA for Person I’d Most Like To Hug goes to Deb Mailman.
Shout out to Best Supporting Actress In A Television Drama [Offspring is a drama?] Kat Stewart for this interesting neoprene Toni Maticevski empire dress that could be the most fashion forward look of the night.
This is A Tozzi. Not sure which one. The one that’s going to be on The Face? [I just Googled it. It’s Tahyna Tozzi from acclaimed teen drama Blue Water High and not from The Face. She’s wearing miniature Lady Marmalade garters for shoes [because her feet are orange, get it?] and lips so pursed they’d give her clutch a run for its money]
Cool story: affable co-stars Sarah Snook and Nathan Phillips are about to appear in an apocalypse film called These Final Hours. She’s wearing a dress from a label which must be benefitting from some run-off Search Engine Optimisation, YB J’amie, paired with jade accessories, because she has red hair. Quiche. Nathan looks great.
Brenna Harding has puberty blues because she went back to school on Monday :/ She looks great and cute and teen.
Serving Beetlejuice prison vibes in a blazer with a frayed back vent, Callan McAuliffe – who played a young Jay Gatsby in the film of the same name – has permanently affixed his left eyebrow to the ‘cocked’ position; his mug frozen in the West Egg winds at its default ‘smirk’.
To be fair, you would too if you were cast in your breakout role for your aesthetic proximity to Leonardo Di Caprio during his halcyon teen era.
Diver Dan looks v. dapper in subtle navy plaid, alluring professor specs and a rich Pearl Bay tan.
More like Don Handsome. Would scalp him for his hair.
Todd Sampson’s sassy daughter knows what’s up #yassss #weeerkk
And we’ll wrap this thing up with a photo of AACTA President, critically-acclaimed screen actor and widely-respected thespian Geoffrey Rush dry rogering the photowall with epic, nasty, guitar/sex face.
Photos: Lisa Maree Williams via Getty
