Not just anybody can waltz on to the Real Housewives franchise and succeed – it takes a certain level of wealth, delusion and unearned self-confidence to really make a splash. You need to be sturdy enough to drink cocktails by a tropical pool for eighteen hours, strong enough to flip tables and ruthless enough to snatch the weave off any bitch who wrongs you.
Today, popular reality account Faces By Bravo posted an excellent prompt, inviting followers to cast a hypothetical Real Housewives show using fictional characters. They came up with some top choices of their own, like Moira Rose of Schitt’s Creek, Lily van der Woodsen of Gossip Girl and the queen, Charlotte Pickles of Rugrats.
Because it’s the weekend and because there’s literally nobody around to stop me, here are some of my own picks for fictional women who would crush it in the Real Housewives arena, and where they might fit in the Bravo cinematic universe:
Prue and Trude from Kath & Kim: The obvious first choice here might be Kim, but I personally think these two Fountain Gate demons have what it takes to make it in Housewives land. Rich husbands? Check. Unbearably snobby attitudes? Check. Mean streak? Big old check. These two could absolutely go toe-to-toe with the Melbourne housewives – just imagine them beefing with Janet after spilling a latte on her duvet.
Donna Meagle from Parks & Recreation: Donna Meagle is luxury and opulence personified. She loves to treat herself at every opportunity, she doesn’t suffer fools, and you’d best not mess with her Mercedes. I’m actually sad just thinking about the fact that I won’t get to see Donna lording it over her own Real Housewives empire.
Julie Cooper-Nichol from The OC: Julie Cooper-Nichol is the ultimate social climber – she came from a poor trailer park background, but that didn’t stop her clawing her way to the top of Newport Beach society, and going from rich man to rich man. The Real Housewives wishes it could serve up moments as iconic as “China has alopecia.” Bow down before her.
Kelly Kapoor from The Office: As an office worker, Kelly doesn’t have the means to be a Real Housewife, but she’s messy, materialistic, argumentative, endlessly dramatic and willing to swallow a tape worm if that’s what it takes to be beautiful. Plus, we’ve all gotta start somewhere, and Kelly is realistically only one rich husband away from turning into a Sonja Morgan-level nightmare.
Tahani Al-Jamil from The Good Place: Fabulous socialite Tahani would easily be the biggest Housewives name-dropper since Yolanda Hadid, and I would honestly love that for her. She already has an in, since she’s friends with Andy Cohen‘s BFF Anderson Cooper, and the other Beverly Hills girls would probably eat her alive, but it would be fun to watch.
Carmela Soprano from The Sopranos: Poor, tragic Carmela, trapped in her big New Jersey mansion with her lousy, cheating husband, her bratty kids, and her deep, unrequited crush on handsome priest Father Phil. Carmela would slot right in with the Jersey housewives – I can almost see her now, bonding with Teresa Giudice over their marriage troubles, and viciously locking horns with Danielle Staub.
Elektra Abundance from Pose: Elektra Abundence would be the unquestioned grand dame of RHONY if she joined. Think about that time she verbally destroyed that racist customer in the seafood restaurant, and then imagine her bringing that vicious, targeted and specific level of hurtfulness and accuracy along to a reunion.
Jenna Maroney from 30 Rock: Jenna already tried and failed to be a reality star on Queen Of Jordan so you know she has the necessary delusion, wine-throwing abilities and lack of scruples to make it as a housewife. She’d also have the most iconic singing career since Countess LuAnn.
Susie Greene from Curb Your Enthusiasm: Susie is a rich bitch, a fashion icon (her Stevie Nicks hat changed the game) and she can go from zero to furiously screaming in your face in the blink of an eye. Beverly Hills needs a shakeup, and Tori Spelling might not cut it, so I say drop Larry David‘s nemesis on them instead.
Barb Coman from Cougar Town: Horny real estate agent Barb is who I wanna be when I grow up. She has a huge supply of jackets, near-insatiable levels of sexual energy and an ability to constantly stir the pot. She once went to the effort of dressing as a hay stack for Halloween so she could offer the fellas a roll in the hay, and I respect the hell out of that.