That’s it! Delete the internet. Throw it in the bin! Get rid of it! We simply don’t deserve it!

In news that is far, far too much for my Thursday brain to process, a Ray White real estate agent has filmed a rap video in an attempt to sell a property and honestly, at what cost? His dignity? My will to live? What is it?

The video, discovered by ex-Buzzfeed writer Cam Wilson, is quite literally what my sleep paralysis demon looks like.

I’m not sure what sort of content warning this needs, but if there’s a trigger warning for painfully cringey content, this video needs it. Seriously, watch at your own risk.

“Yo yo yo it’s Matty on the mic, you know who it is, to all my raving fans out there, I luh you,” Ray White Real Estate Agent Matthew Micallef begins the video.

No, that’s not a typo, he really said “luh”. He *really* did THAT.

Here at Pedestrian.TV, we love a fucked up real estate listing. But usually we’re talking about 80s coke lord mansions or weird Sydney apartments with a toot in the kitchen, so you can imagine my surprise when I stumbled across this absolutely bat-shit video from Matt Micallef.

According to his profile, “Matt believes that if you love your job, you will never work another day in your life,” so I mean, at least he’s trying to have fun with it. That makes one of us who enjoyed this experience.

“My name is Eminem and I work for Ray White, give me a low offer and I’ll put up a fight,” he continues.

Now, as somebody who legitimately had the nickname Snoop Dogg at one point in my life, I get it. Rappers are cool. But does that mean we should all start busting a rhyme at work? Absolutely fucking not.

But if you thought calling himself the Eminem of Ray White was the worst you were going to see, think again.

“Yo, it’s safe to say that I put the home into “homie.” Stop judging me, fool, you don’t even know me.”

Look, Matt, my dude. I tried, I really tried to stop judging you, but you just make it *so* hard.

The house in question is a seven bedroom family home that would make an absolutely phenomenal coke mansion. Honestly, you’d think this property would sell itself, but apparently it really needed a couple of rhymes to seal the deal.

“Now this monster of a home is filled with seven bedrooms a plenty. Inquiries on this one, five, ten, 220.”

After watching this video far more times than I care to admit, I’ve decided that Caesarstone should officially rebrand as “hella stone bench.” I mean, who wouldn’t want a hella stone bench? I do. Give me the damn hella stone!

“Camera man, please show them the extra-large kitchen with the hella stone bench. I’m getting hammered bro, someone dig me a trench,” he sells the kitchen.

I know the housing market has been absolutely obliterated by the coronavirus pandemic and subsequent recession that we’re heading straight for, but if Gold Coast real estate agents are having to sacrifice their dignity like this to make a sale, maybe it’s worse than we first thought.

But hey, if you’re lucky enough to snap up this property, you can expect a sincere congratulations from Eminem* himself.

“Congratulations to that one lucky buyer that secures this motherfucking place.”