Zoe-Clare went absolutely went off tonight on The Bachelor with an unhinged rant about the oppression of rangas.
Obviously, every single line of her feisty ranga monologue is *cheff’s kiss*. However sometimes we must rank things much the same way we might rank our future children.
So, here’s your definitive ranking of Zoe-Clare’s nuggets of ranga wisdom (or madness, depending on how you look at it).
11. ‘You know what? I’m proud of being a ranga. I will be a ranga until the day I die. We are more striking than any other human this worth… that walks this Earth. Don’t have our blue eyes or brown or our green eyes that can literally stop traffic.’
Confused phrasing, hints of ranga elitism going on. Amazing, but this one’s gotta come in at last place.
10. ‘But you’re still different. You’re still a fucking ranga at the end of the day and that sucks because they think, no matter what, oh it’s fine, she’s different. Like did Areeba do it to any of the blonde girls? Any of the brunette girls? No.’
Hey, you leave Areeba alone. What did she ever do to you? Oh wait… that’s right.
9. ‘I don’t care if you’re black, white, caramel, whatever, ranga. I want to be here like, you know what – we can win.’
If she were talking about skin colour this feels like something a racist would say. Hard pass.
8. ‘I think that’s exactly why Areeba is targeting me. Of course, the redhead. It’s just not appropriate. What’s wrong with a ranga?’
This is a very strange point to make but it’s fucking hilarious nonetheless.
7. ‘I don’t need someone being rude, and being like ‘I’m just gonna sit down’. There’s no level of respect.’
This one gets middle marks because it’s not wild but she makes a fair point.
6. ‘I don’t want to go through this experience being different because… this sounds so stupid, but because of the colour of my goddamn hair. And that sucks. The colour of my complexion.’
We love a fiery ranga queen who is as dramatic as she is self-aware. It does sound stupid, Zoe-Clare, but thank you for the entertainment.
5. ‘We can win because I’m not blonde. I’m not brunette. I’m not anything other than what I am. I’m not going to pretend to be. I’m me. And if he likes me, then fucking awesome.’
This sounds like a mid-2000s pop-rock song but like… more empowered. Hell yes.
4. ‘Honestly, I get it. I’m the only redhead in the whole entire house. And the rest of them… I think the only colours are blonde, brunette, then there’s me.’
This is what an enlightened ranga sounds like. Call them our for their hair colours, queen.
3. ‘The one time that I can walk in something and I’m like no one has my hair. No one has my bone structure, no one has my body. And they don’t! That’s not a lie. They don’t!’
Yessss own that bone structure, girl. Nobody’s got it. It’s yours.
2. ‘I’m sorry, do you want me to dye my hair every 10 seconds, I’m so sorry but this is natural guys. This is not going anywhere!’
This is how you spell fierce in 125 characters. Who asked? Nobody. Doesn’t matter because this hair is here to stay, y’all.
1. ‘You sure as shit don’t have our hair.’
Concise, factually accurate (unless you’re also a ranga) and packs a punch. Well done, Zoe-Clare.
Honourable Mention: ‘No.’
This was Zoe-Clare’s response when one of the producers asked if anyone had actually mentioned anything about her hair. Inject this “No” straight into my veins, please.
