All tarot cards on the table, my knowledge of astrology and star signs is painfully limited. Frankly, I have enough going on in my life that I’d rather not worry about whether I may or may not have something vaguely negative or vaguely positive happen to me in the not-so-distant or maybe-distant future.
That’s it, you guys. That’s astrology. That’s the whole schtick.
But you know what, I think it’s important for everyone to broaden their horizons, so I’m diving headfirst into this like I’ve been practising astrology my entire life.
After a quick google search (thank you Horoscope.com), I think I’ve grasped the basics needed to complete the task, so strap yourselves in and prepare to find out whether your birthday means you’re more likely to be a godsend (12), or straight-up Satan (1).
Because as you know, being born in April is definitely the reason you have psychopathic tendencies. It’s not just you as a person.
12. Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
The gist: Practical, loyal, gentle and analytical.
I don’t know many Virgos (I probably do, I just tend not to ask these things), but I do know gentle souls and it’s hard to imagine that they’re capable of anything other than bear hugs.
That is, of course, not including Lennie from Of Mice And Men, but that’s a completely different story so let’s just sidestep that one.
11. Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
The gist: Affectionate, empathetic, wise and artistic.
I often get told by astrology buffs that my birthday falls on what they call ‘the cusp’, as it’s the day that Pisces transitions to Aries (March 21, write it down).
I don’t really know what that has to do with this but I just thought I’d put my birthday out there to see what happens.
But yes, Pisces sound like they’re barely capable of being naughty, let alone assholes. Plus, they’re artistic, so they can channel their darker feelings into a masterpiece. Right? Right.
10. Libra (September 23 – October 22)
The gist: Social, fair-minded, diplomatic and gracious.
I have a problem with diplomatic people in general, purely because I find it frustrating when you’re trying to get riled over a topic and all they give you is this half-assed Switzerland bullshit.
This is also why I think they’re incapable of despicable behaviour because they’re always the happy-go-lucky middleman who can be ‘rational’ and won’t ’cause a scene’.
9. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
The gist: Extroverted, optimistic, funny and generous.
I’ve encountered tonnes of funny people who coincidentally turned out to be vile specimens who should be studied.
Humour definitely isn’t an inherently good-natured trait, but I’m willing to give Sagittarius people the benefit of the doubt this time because they’re probably more inclined to get me a decent birthday present (again, March 21, lock it in).
8. Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
The gist: Versatile, expressive, curious and kind.
Well, it says it right there that Geminis are kind, so I have no reason to suggest otherwise.
In saying that, curiosity did indeed kill the cat. Does that also imply that curious people kill cats? Just something to think about next time you invite your Gemini mate over to play with your pussycat.
The gist: Intuitive, sentimental, compassionate and protective.
I don’t want to jump the gun here and say that protective people are more prone to violence, but I can and I will.
How many times have you heard of a situation where someone gets physical because they were “sticking up for their mate”? Dude, lad, ladette, bruh, bruvah, hombre, hombrette, please. You weren’t sticking up for your mate, you needed to punch something before you burst into flames.
6. Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
The gist: Strong, dependable, sensual and creative.
I’m a sucker for anyone who’s the human embodiment of Mike Posner’s hit Bow Chicka Wow Wow, so I’m choosing to ignore any evil vibes I get off anyone who’s a Taurus.
I feel like they’d be too preoccupied with their other ‘hobbies’ (see: sex dungeon) to really have time for much evil-doing. Keep doing you, Taurus.
4. Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
The gist: Serious, independent, disciplined and tenacious.
Beyoncé taught me that being independent was a good thing and those are the life lessons I hold close to my heart.
But, morally bankrupt people are often dead serious about their own behaviour and will argue tooth and nail that their terrible life choices are actually justified.
Mull that one over.
3. Aries (March 21 – April 19)
The gist: Eager, dynamic, quick and competitive.
As a competitive person who is also an Aries (March 21, last chance to grab that pen), I can safely say I’ve had genuine urges to get stabby during something as simple as a game of Monopoly.
Competitive people lose all reasoning when their only mission is to win, which is alarming at the very least.
3. Leo (July 23 – August 22)
The gist: Dramatic, outgoing, fiery and self-assured.
Is dramatic, outgoing, fiery and self-assured a dangerous combination and the makings of an awful person? A resounding yes.
Would I love to hang out with a Leo? You bet I would.
2. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
The gist: Passionate, stubborn, resourceful and brave.
Lump all of these traits together and what have you got?
An utter psycho who will find any means necessary to prove their point and do so in a fit of rage. I’m onto you Scorpios, I’m not inviting any of you to my next birthday (March 21, can’t believe I snuck a fourth in).
1. Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
The gist: Deep, imaginative, original and uncompromising.
People who call themselves deep are doing more harm to others than smoking ever could.