I pride myself on being a big ol’ theatre nerd. I’ve been doing shows since I was a kid, it takes absolutely no persuading to get me to go to karaoke (or to just sing on the spot, if I’ve had a couple bevs), and I love a toe-tapping tune. But even I know that not everything is improved with the presence of a jaunty musical number.
Apparently, there’s a whole bunch of movies out there that blatantly disrespect the unwritten rule that states that just because you CAN, doesn’t mean you SHOULD.
Recently I sat down to revisit a whole bunch of my favourite childhood movies — partly because I wanted to see if they stacked up in 2019, but also because I’m a glutton for nostalgia and needed some sappy fantasy romance injected directly into my eyeballs.
One such film was the 2004 classic ‘Ella Enchanted’, starring Anne Hathaway in what can only be described as her ‘post-Princess Diaries but still wholesome Disney-esque phase’. You know, long before she sassed Meryl Streep or lopped off her hair to play a broken mother who dreamed a dream (Les Mis is a classic, don’t @ me).
same though
Based loosely off the concept of Cinderella, and taken from a book of the same name, Ella Enchanted told the story of a young girl (yes, named Ella) who was enchanted to do literally everything she’s told. Sounds like a fucking nightmare, which is why it is deeply satisfying and utterly trash to watch.
But one point in the film, Ella and her friends are taken prisoner in a camp of giants (including a colossal Heidi Klum for absolutely no reason at all), and she’s commanded to sing. First of all, as a short person who sings regularly and often without being commanded, I can assure you that this almost never happens.
Naturally, Annie launches into a rousing rendition of Queen’s Somebody To Love, and it’s a giant (ahem) success, complete with dance moves and harmonising giants in drag.
Now, although I’m always pro-Queen and I’m big on some singalongs, I have two big issues with this.
- If you’re going to include a musical number, you should make it an original. Either the director wants us to believe that Ella came up with this song all on her own, or that Freddie Mercury somehow existed in this fantasy universe in order to bless human- and giant-kind alike with his lyrical brilliance.
- It was very clearly included to prove that Anne Hathaway can sing, like maybe some hotshot exec heard her trilling away in her trailer and thought “oof, I know what this scene needs”. Funny how the Oscars skipped over THIS one.
Now look, had they left it there, I could’ve reconciled with it. I could’ve made my peace with the fact that Annie was trotted out to bust out some belts, and maybe even enjoyed the guitar licks of a certified banger. I’m not completely heartless, and I love this fucking song.
But then came the second number.
Not to spoil it for you (but I will, considering it’s been out since 2004 and y’all should’ve seen it by now) but in the end the curse is broken and she lives a long, presumably happy life with her doting prince, where she probably disobeys everyone and becomes a snotty brat (as if you wouldn’t).
And to celebrate their marriage, they sing again. This time, the borrowed tune comes from Elton John and Kiki Dee’s belter, Don’t Go Breaking My Heart. Again, are we to expect that the duo exist in this fantasy universe?
But not only does Anne sing and dance to this one, so too does the entire supporting cast, including legit stars like Minnie Driver, Cary Elwes, Hugh Dancy and Joanna Lumley. How the hell did they convince so many people to perform this chorey? Corralling people into structured dance is not easy, end of story.
Look honestly my jaded heart is melting and the biggest issue that I have with this is that Ella takes off the bottom half of her wedding dress in a sort of velcro rip manoeuvre to make a short disco number, and I’m not about it.
direct to fashion jail, do not pass go.
I am the first to admit that this is an incredibly niche frustration to have, so I will refrain from boring you with more details, but I simply must leave you with one final tidbit.
On the soundtrack of Ella Enchanted, poor Hugh Dancy gets the boot on Don’t Go Breaking My Heart, instead pairing Anne Hathaway with everyone’s 2000-era boyfriend, Jesse McCartney. As if we couldn’t get any more 2004.
I hate it, and I love it, and I will proceed to keep hate-watching it until the end of time.
