Looking for places to escape the heat this summer? You and I both. This might be a controversial thing to disclose given our nation’s aggressive obsession with the warmer months, but I ain’t too fussed with summer. I’m a sweaty in the best of conditions, let alone when hell decides to relocate Down Under.
Thankfully, I now have brilliant aircon in my room (subsequently meaning I’m living my best life) but this is a new addition to my existence. Most of my years were spent without a power-guzzling means to keep cool. This makes me just as good of an authority as any to detail a few places to hit if you’re literally DESPERATE to avoid sweltering to death. Like, I’m talking bottom-of-the-barrel solutions here, people.
Good luck out there.
THE COLD TILES OF YOUR BATHROOM FLOOR
Yes, the place usually utilised for rocking your emotionally-charged self into a state of calm actually doubles as a nifty place to cool down. Our advice? Give the space a good clean beforehand. Given that you’re probably moister than a condensation-lined placcy bag holding your KFC chips, there’s a high chance things will stick to you. The last thing you want is to pick up a beard’s worth of pubes during your attempts to lower your body’s core temperature.
THAT ESTRANGED FRIEND FROM PRIMARY SCHOOL’S POOL
Everyone has one of those acquaintances from primary school who, due to the usually cruel nature of high school, never quite let go of their eight-year-old glory days. They’re still game as ever to hang on the reg (even though you haven’t seen them in over a decade), so use this to your advantage and invite yourself over for a refreshing dip. If they don’t have a pool, then they’ll probably get one put in for the occasion. Getting in touch with them will be easy – there’s no way they didn’t add you on Facebook during the great Myspace migration of yore. Although, they might be one of those filthy humans who’ve added a comical element to their name on social, like Joel ‘Drank-All-The-Time’ Cranston or Jade ‘Sparkles McGee’ Smith which could complicate things.
THE WEIRD UNDER SECTION OF YOUR NEIGHBOUR’S HOUSE
Everybody needs good neighbours, right? Well hopefully you’ve got some, because next on the list of places to escape the heat could get you arrested for trespassing. Odds are there’s a split-level house on your street. The type of crib whose rear end is built on stilts leaving its belly exposed like an overly-enthusiastic festival goer. You might have seen dogs hang out in these sections because they’re smarter/more awesome than us and realise the space’s ability to keep one cool. So go on then. Bury yourself under a neighbour’s house so you can finally feel like a human once more.
YOUR PARENT’S AIRCONDITIONED ABODE
Look, we all love our parents, but hanging out with them for a prolonged period could prompt you to become institutionalised. They’re aware of how manic they can make you with one sentence, so they’ve become clever with their means of luring you back home for some face-to-face time. Getting around their Antarctic-like home is, in most instances, the simplest solution on the list of places to escape the heat – but you need to ask yourself, is it really worth it?
So yeah, they’re not the best solutions out there, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Honourable mentions for crowded beaches/bodies of water, offensively expensive cinemas and shopping centres where you can get arrested for loitering too.
If you’re actually keen to get around somewhere that’s a legit contender on the places to escape the heat list then check out Kingpin HERE. In case you missed the memo, it’s way more than just bowling. Kingpin venues offer:
Laser tag
Karaoke
Pingpong
And, of course, bowling.
Hell, they’ve even got escape rooms, rope courses, some of the best grub in town and a whole lot more too.
Stay cool out there, y’all.
