Music Festivals aren’t only about bands and drink tickets. They can be the ideal place for meeting your future soulmate – or even just someone to neck for an hour. If you head to a festival with romance on the brain, here are a few tips to help you find success on your journey.
BE GOOD LOOKING
When it comes to compelling someone into sucking face with you, nothing guarantees success quite as well as being great looking. This rule also applies in other hook up contexts and not just music festivals.
CARRY A LIGHTER
Harness the power of an intangible yet potent pants dropping Ju-Ju by casually sidling into strangers’ conversation with a lighter in your outstretched arm. Even if you yourself don’t smoke, there is a chivalry and generosity of spirit connected to the act of sparking up someone’s smoke or doobie for them. Plus, being the only person in the vicinity with a lighter gives you instant cachet as a person of value and necessity to all surrounding smokers. If you aren’t an ultra confident James Bond type, don’t feel you have to try sweeping in armed with a flame any time your intended girl/guy lifts a fag to her/his mouth, lest you come across an awkward lurker or engaged in some kind of pissing contest. Instead just politely offer your lighter by hand, you’ll still appear sincere and kind and get an in for conversation. Caution: Make sure you only offer your lighter to people who smoke, because a non smoker will take the gesture as your approval of smoking and wanting to contribute to their demise via cancer.
HAVE AS FEW INHIBITIONS AS POSSIBLE
It’s not rocket science. The fewer your inhibitions, the better your chance of striking sexual gold. It’s important to remember that you aren’t the only one at a festival who wants to hook up, so play the numbers game. If you walk up to enough people with the line “Hello my name is [your name here] and I want to have sex with you”, eventually someone is going to say yes. The fun not always legal hard part is stripping away your inhibitions in order to reach the confidence levels necessary for such a bold line of questioning. A stiff drink or “dutch courage” is the tactical jumping off point for your journey to shamelessness. Watch yourself though; someone who recently shat themselves will not get laid no matter how absent of inhibitions they may be.
CAMP
If camping is an option TAKE IT. You should approach all festival camp sites as just a place you haven’t been laid yet. Camp sites are full of drunk people in need of warmth and zen hippies with alternative lifestyles and marijuana and open minds. Camp sites are a place love is found and friendships are formed.
IF CAMPING, USE COMMUNAL SHOWERS AT THE BUSIEST TIMES
People forget that queues and conversation go hand in hand. If smooth talk and chitchat are your strong suits target the showers at peak times and strike up a conversation. Bring an extra cake of soap for sharing. Some carefully choreographed towel dropping is always fine too.
CARRY SPARE TOILET PAPER
Ever overheard the words “I’d neck someone for a handful of clean toilet paper” said at a festival? The answer is: they will.
HAVE A AAA LANYARD
Access All Areas? Congratulations! You just became at least 70% more desirable. Obviously there is no greater force of pulling power than being a performing artist on the bill but, in lieu of actual talent, if you can somehow procure a AAA lanyard your stock will soar. People will assume you are important and connected, as well as a source of free booze and getting access to bands. Band groupies will totally treat you as a means to an end. Work with that.
WEAR A STUPID COSTUME
You might look like a fool but at the end of the day people will recognise and remember ‘the purple Teletubby’ and not ‘that dude in the shirt’. Anyone who wears a stupid costume looks 50 times more fun than the person wearing normal stuff, and wearing a stupid costume will also help lower your inhibitions (see above).
SELECT BANDS NOT BASED ON YOUR PERSONAL TASTES BUT ON WHAT GOOD LOOKING / DTF PEOPLE LISTEN TO
Going where attractive people have gathered en masse will increase your chances dramatically. Find beautiful girls at acts like Lana Del Rey, Regina Spektor, She & Him and Angus Stone. Handsome dudes abound in crowds for Neutral Milk Hotel, Mars Volta, The Fall, Kurt Vile and Prince. Never seek love in the techno tent. Too sweaty. Grinspoon fans are notoriously rough looking but totally keen to fuck. More traditional “hipster” acts like LCD Soundsystem, the Smith Westerns, Ratatat, Gold Panda, Blonde Redhead, etc attract a great looking crowd, the downside being fierce competition. Feel good outfits like Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros and Akron/Family audiences are usually peopled by lovely boys and girls who want to mouth kiss and maybe make love later that night. Sometimes you have to sacrifice your own ears in order to secure a grade A pash.
LET STRANGERS SIT ON YOUR SHOULDERS
As a short girl I can’t even begin to tell you how considerate, charming and sweet this move is. See! From the outset you’re thought of as being a generous helper instead of a sleazy groper. You will immediately endear yourself to the person on your shoulders, not to mention the fact you’ve already made serious progress according to the face-to-groin scale of closeness. It’s all psychological.
HOVER NEAR THE FIRST AID / ST JOHN’S AMBULANCE AREA
Sick/drunk people are vulnerable. Make the most of that without acting like a rapist.
BE GREAT
Being a charming, delightful, fun person will make potential hook up targets flock to you like heat seeking missiles. There is nothing more powerful than just being wonderful.
