The most compelling thing about newly launched Channel Nine time suck Celebrity Apprentice Australia is the way it massages and magnifies the perception of its contestants (it feels important to note here that Warwick Capper is an “80’s Icon” and not a retired AFL player who wears questionable shorts).
Someone will write a dissertation on this one day and then maybe we’ll understand what it all means. Til then, and armed only with the knowledge of one episode, we can only assume that there are some contestants who have agendas to push and chakras to realign while there are others who just crave the experience.
Who fits where is almost immediately apparent. People like Wendell Sailor and Julia Morris aren’t here to realign their personal brands or challenging the public’s perception of them as people, “the Dell brand is strong” Wendell notes early on, but you feel like the Jesinta Campbells and Pauline Hansons of the world can still benefit from some slight image tweaking.
And already it has begun. If softening a persona was ever a reason to willingly participate in celebrity reality shows, then Pauline Hanson is the only case study you’ll need. Deni Hines echoes our thoughts early when she admits that she’d have no problem with making Pauline Hanson cry. But by the end her attitude has changed completely and she prefaces high praise for Pauline with the sentence “the good thing about Mumma P is…”.
In a way, Deni’s thought process mirrors that of the audience. Maybe I like Pauline Hanson? you wonder. At first, when she is the only one who objects to the girls’ horrible team name, Bouris’ Babes, which is so obviously terrible and something that rumoured contestant Germaine Greer would not have been cool with, hating it feels like a litmus test for normalcy. “I don’t consider myself a babe and I’m definitely not Bouris’,” Hanson says. All the while you’re fist pumping and yelling “you tell ’em babe!” and you have no idea if you’re being sarcastic or not.
There are yet more positives to be found when observing her attributes as a game show contestant: even keeled, diligent, an excellent communicator, and willing to push legitimate comfort zones for the good of the team (always an admirable trait for television audiences).
She’s also not afraid to keep it real as in her bang on appraisal of Campbell’s Hollywood car wash motif, “tacky”, or her reluctance to spruik with a megaphone, “don’t intimidate those poor people!”. I already identify her as the moral barometer, the voice of reason and the ultimate team player – all traits we seek in politicians. Which isn’t to say she’s a gameshow automaton who’s just “playing the game” as Survivor’s Jeff Probst might say, because that would completely ignore how likeable she is when divorced from her politics. To the point where a pronunciation gaffe over the word “resonates” is a just silly mistake that anyone could make instead of the WTF Palinism Nine angled for in the promos.
Lesson? Forget everything you knew because Pauline Hanson seems like the coolest person on this show.
Nowhere is this more apparent than when she admits to saying “please explain” for people, which is just so shocking and good natured that you can’t help but feel an immediate emotional connection to the woman. We know that parroting a catchphrase can be a drag but her willingness to laugh at the ridiculous alcove she inhabits in Australian pop culture is a revelation.
Anyway this isn’t a recap so I’ll just skip to the bit where – spoiler alert – the girls tally their first win and hold each for a celebratory jig in the waiting room. Congrats girls. By the way, Demi and Pauline are best friends now and Miss Australia is wiping her eyes because two minutes earlier she had to explain how all the money they won would be going to a charity that helped her defeat bullying (which was Bouris’ cue to say what a wonderful job they’d done), and also because people she respected praised her intelligence and leadership qualities (though she will still wear a bikini, in the appropriate settings). Looks like easily identifiable personal growth you guys!
But there’s still so much more to parse through…moments after the sisterly love-in you realize that someone, most likely Max because he’s so uppity (and has poor time management skills?) or Warwick, because he’s lazy and took that one break where he got random babes to rub his shoulders while Didier and Wendall were totally slaving bro, will be going home tomorrow.
We hope it’s Warwick because he threatened to bash Didier (am I remembering this correctly?) when he questioned Capper’s decision to switch shirt colours. Which, to me, is a legitimate concern to have when you’re “not even using your modelling”. We will find out tonight!
Other random thoughts…
– Team Unity will sound increasingly ironic as the competition continues.
– The most contrived moment of the episode? When Aussie Bum magically has their donation become a pivotal plot point complete with a Pauline Hanson endorsement and lingering close ups of their product.
– Julia Thomas seamlessly slipped in gags about ejaculation and dictators. Good for you, Julia Thomas.
– Max Markson describes his work as “talking to people and playing with babies.”
– The grin on Cameron Williams’ face as he photographs a bikini-clad Campbell is both priceless and probably highly incriminating.
– There are tiers of stars you guys. Eg. Deni forgetting Polly’s name and just not giving a fuck.
– Really loved the goofy filler stuff. The “dancing at the car wash” bit was silly and fun and played out like that group dancing scene in The Breakfast Club (except no one was trying to fuck each other). We’re also pretty sure no one was high.
– Warwick Capper GTFO.
– “Social media is going to be a big part of our marketing so if you don’t have Twitter get on,” Jesinta advises. Later, the balance of power shifts to the girls thanks to a Russell Crowe tweet. Yes. There is a television show you can say that about.
– Polly has her own beauty pageant moment when some flustered rant about business backbones, deep pockets and “yes men” makes approximately no sense.
