Sexy Satan Paolo Valisari Deserves To Be In The ‘Lizzie McGuire’ Reboot, There I Said It

There’s been a lot of back and forth concerning the future of the Lizzie McGuire reboot.

The show was put on hold earlier in the year after there was a disagreement about the show’s “creative direction” (The Hollywood Reporter alleges the script contained some sexy time, as well as a cheating scandal).

Long story, Hillary Duff wanted Lizzie – now in her 30s – to fucc, and some execs weren’t too keen on it. She later confirmed she was still in talks with show executives in the hope of coming to some sort of resolution.

But if there’s one thing everyone seems to be in agreement on, it’s the presence of Paolo Valisari in the hopeful remake (or lack thereof).

In a Cosmopolitan interview, when asked about characters like Miranda and Paolo making an appearance, Hilary stated that Lizzie wouldn’t be happy to see Paolo in the potential series.

“There were plans for a lot of people to be in the show,” she said. “So, um, I already know some of those things but I don’t know about Paolo. I think she’d probably be pretty mad to see him.”

To say I was disheartened by this comment would be an understatement. Gobsmacked, if you will.

As CEO of The Paolo Valisari Thirst Club™, I have deemed it my honourable duty to state why Paolo deserves to be in the show.

So here goes nothing.

Ahem. *Prepares cue cards and clears throat*

Paolo deserves to be in the Lizzie McGuire reboot because the show will obviously require some sort of villain-type in order to shake up the narrative, keep things interesting and leave us on the edge of our seats at the end of each episode. And that villain needs to be sexy. 34-year-old Yani Gellman, the actor behind Paolo, is an aesthetically pleasing human and would fit the bill nicely.

Paolo was, and will always be, a messy bitch who lives for the drama, and that makes for addictive, watchable television. We couldn’t have everyone in the McGuire-verse holding hands, skipping in circles and chanting an a cappella version of “What Dreams Are Made Of “, could we? No. Boring. Snoozefest.

As the new self-appointed script writer for the season, I’d then envision a redemption arch in Paolo’s character narrative, in which the viewer inevitably forgives him for being a fuccboi and for, you know, trying to make a fool out of Lizzie and Isabella on national television. After all, cancel culture is toxic and everyone deserves a second chance.

Above all else, though, I would like to see a mature age Paolo on our screens because, well, he’s hot. More than hot. I once wrote about being willing to break the sisterhood if it meant spending a night of passion with Paolo, and the sentiment still remains. In fact, I would willingly chop off my right hand for him to fart on my head.

And who wouldn’t want to see a 2020 daddy Paolo in our midst? It’d be a true gift.

But Paolo’s reemergence wouldn’t make sense in the context of the reboot! I’m sure some people will say. Paolo wouldn’t have any viable connection to the modern-day Lizzie McGuire. She wouldn’t allow it. 

Shush, I say to those doubters, be quiet. I simply do not care about the technicalities of Paolo being involved.

The Paolo Valisari Thirst Club™ membership numbers may be small, but we are passionate folk and our cries are resounding and unable to be ignored: we want daddy Paolo.

I will now write Hilary a hand-written letter in a bid to change her mind. Good-day.