We Watched Netflix’s Hyped Teen Series ‘Outer Banks’ & Look, It’s Controlled Chaos At Best

The world needed a new version of The OC. Facts. And now, we’ve kind of got one – yep, new Netflix series Outer Banks is kind of like mixing our fave Orange County wayward teens with the gritty ocean-side culture of Animal Kingdom.

Because it sounded so damn good, my colleague Steff and I decided to watch the series’ first two episodes and then recap them for you, because hey – you prob wanna know if it’s worth a viewing or not, right?

Turns out we have the most chaotic energy for recaps, and we are really, really sorry.

MEL: Ok, so I love a teen series and frankly, there haven’t been enough of them since the golden age of Gossip Girl in my opinion. So the news some sort of The OC vibe small-town teens show was hitting Netflix had me REALLY excited. Except it also involved… buried treasure?

STEFF: I haven’t watched a teen series in eons, like I never got into Riverdale or whatever and I had no idea what Outer Banks was. Like I literally just started watching it and was like ‘Oh okay, this feels familiar’ but then BURIED TREASURE happened. Also I love that the Kooks and Pogues (the rich vs not so rich) thing is a thing, but they’re all attractive. CLASSIC.

MEL: Oh my god fully, it’s like the only differentiating factor is the Pogues are surfie hippies and the Kooks wear button ups. So first we’re introduced to John B – never caught why he’s John B and not just John. He’s got three best mates, JJ, Pope and Kiara who is OF COURSE the hot tomboy all the guys are secretly in love with.

this scene literally said “when she’s not listening to Marley or getting dolphin tattoos” smdh

STEFF: I guess John B sounds ~cooler~ than just, well, John? Who knows!

MEL: Also can we quickly talk about the intro sequence?

STEFF: Absolutely, I was just about to say – did you think the opening credit looks like something Channel 9 would air at like 4pm when all the kids were home from school ten years ago? Like right after Go-Go Stop.

MEL: Why was it such an alien-looking font? It really set me up all wrong for this show. This isn’t Twin Peaks, you guys.

STEFF: Anyway, JJ’s the super chaotic one, Pope’s the golden child working towards this fancy scholarship, and yes Kiara is the tomboy who’s also rich. She also has a thing for John B (I think ??) so naturally I ship them already. Can you imagine living in Outer Banks and spending your arvos swanning around in a boat and catching crabs and never ever getting sun burnt?? Because I can’t.

MEL: Oh my god, their life is so idyllic. They just happen to have their own speedboat – like, it’s a shitbox but still, they OWN one and it has “Pogues” written down the side which is so cool if you’re 16. And they just surf, fish, drink beer and have NO parents around whatsoever?

don’t mind us just choofing around town with alcohol on board and no parents

STEFF: Right!!! No parents whatsoever – well, John B actually doesn’t because his dad is lost at sea / presumed dead. And he has a hard time dealing with. Just gonna say it: he ain’t dead.

MEL: Did you feel like he was heaps chill when he told us his dad had casually gone missing 9 months earlier at sea?

lol bye dad

STEFF: And that his uncle is supposed to be his guardian but has fucked off somewhere else for three months? Yes! I literally had to replay that bit.

MEL: I was like, ok this sensitive teenage boy is way too okay with his dad’s recent disappearance and the abandonment of his uncle but sure. Anyway, so everything is hunky dory and then BAM! There’s a convenient hurricane that hits Outer Shores, which means the child services lady can’t visit John B and see that, in fact, the child is living with absolutely zero adult supervision.

STEFF: So of course he decides to go surfing during a hurricane ‘cos why not, and he spots a boat having a shit time in the water. FORESHADOWING.

MEL: What the fuck was that. He’s just like yep gonna yeet myself into some tsunami-esque waves for a quick hang ten? As if.

STEFF: RIGHT! And then he just wakes up the next morn like it was totally normal? Anyway, he goes crab fishing the next morn with the crew and that’s when they crash into the boat from before. It’s sunk to the bottom of the marsh. This was definitely the moment I was like, ‘Oh okay, I’m into this now’.

MEL: SAME. But I was also questioning their total lack of concern about the CHAOS AND DESTRUCTION left behind by the hurricane. A giant palm tree had collapsed in the yard! There was debris everywhere! It can’t be THAT normal for a massive hurricane to hit, even in North Carolina, surely.

this is calm

STEFF: Literally, “Man, Hurricane Agatha’s a bitch.” THAT’S IT.

MEL: Chaotic x 100. Okay so they hit the boat, and then they’re like hey, let’s just dive down into that bitch even though there’s probs a dead body in there. There isn’t – but there is a motel key. I was SO invested by this point, things got really Animal Kingdom don’t you reckon?

STEFF: Yeees, hard agree. Also, how the fuck do you see under water? I’m sorry but my eyes burn, there’s no way I could’ve spotted a tiny key in a sunken boat, without drowning.

MEL: No way in hell, also the water was murky as fuck and filled with crabs? No thanks.

STEFF: Absolutely no thanks. So then the crew reckon they’ll tell the coast guard or whoever about the boat and cop the finder’s fee, except everything is in chaos and the official’s are all busy dealing with other shit. So they just decide to go to the motel themselves and suss things out themselves? Wait, did we miss the part where we’re introduced to ~ Sarah Cameron ~?

MEL: Oh my god, we did – that’s because I don’t give a shit about Sarah Cameron and blocked her from my memory! But yep – we also met a Kook, Sarah Cameron, who is… well, she’s literally kooky.

in this scene, we shit you not, she was batting away birds trying to eat mice

STEFF: Same. I’m sure we’ll see more of her later on but right now I could not give a shit about her and her polo wearing boyfriend. Anyway, when we meet Sarah her dad’s asking her about whether or not she’s seen this bloke – I can’t remember his name? – who’s missing. Connect the dots, guys. It’s his boat and he’s dead. We literally see his body in the marsh after John B and the lads jet off with his motel key.

MEL: That was CONFRONTING as fuck. I didn’t think we’d see a dead man’s face in this series, but here we are. So then I think the cops get involved with the missing guy and there’s a bit of a search led by his distraught wife – meanwhile, the Pogues are like nah, let’s not tell them about the boat, let’s just go suss this motel room.

STEFF: Also, let’s just touch everything in the dead guy’s room with our bare hands! What could go wrong! Of course there’s a heap of shady shit in the dead dude’s room, like a safe full of money and a gun WHICH JJ TAKES. Is this an American thing, do people just take guns they find? What the fuck.

MEL: I could not with that – I know they’re meant to be rogue teens but like, seriously.

STEFF: It’s ! a ! gun !

MEL: Also what purpose does JJ have with a gun? What are you gonna do with that, JJ? Take ALL the cash, sure. Just leave the fucking gun.

STEFF: He wants a selfie with it, obvs. Even John B was like “Mate, stop it”. Anyway, the cops rock up soon after and they have to hide. And this is when we find out the deputy sheriff is a dirty cop. He takes a bit of cash for himself and gets outta there. Wait no, there’s also a manila envelope in the safe which he susses. I literally couldn’t make out what the picture was but Dirty Cop recognised it immediately.

MEL: Yeah I didn’t follow the manila envelope bit but I am SURE this show will whack me over the head with it’s significance multiple times in future. It’s definitely no focus-at-all-times True Detective series, is it. So then the Pogues choof off back to the boat for some reason?? Why did they go back?

STEFF: You can just tell I got way too into this show. Okay, so they went back cos they found another key in Dead Dude’s safe right? Which was for a compartment on the boat? I’m pretty sure that was it.

MEL: RIGHT. I think at this point I was shopping for new sport trainers. Lol. BUT I do remember that they were like, you know what’s a great idea after almost getting caught by the cops doing crimey things? KEG PARTY!!!!

STEFF: What the fuck was the point of the Keg Party? I left to grab snacks and came back to this:

hello fellow children

STEFF: They look 12. How old is John B supposed to be? Idek.

MEL: Literally NO point. It was just this huge Kooks/Pogues/Randos party on the beach involving mass beers and a lot of hitting on out-of-towners. Also reintroduced Sarah Cameron and her shithouse boyfriend!

STEFF: Oh and this is when that fight happens right? And we find out John B has a thing for Sarah Cameron. Instant love triangle.

MEL: YES, loving the love triangle. So basically Sarah’s boyfriend is really nice to HER, but a total elitist prick to The Pogues. He picks a fight with John B, it gets intense, and then chaotic JJ decides to put a GUN TO THE DUDE’S HEAD.

STEFF: In John B’s defence, Shithouse Boyfriend was literally drowning John B and nobody helped him??? But when JJ pulled the gun I just sighed real hard. Like mate, no. No, no, no, no. THEN HE FIRED THE GUN INTO THE AIR.

MEL: Yeah that was the moment I was like… wait is JJ a psychopath, because no one normal just starts shooting bullets into the air at a kegger.

STEFF: Righttt. And then that’s it, and John B wakes up with a black eye.

MEL: This is where The Pogues go for another jaunt back to the sunken boat, and the cops show up right when John B was underwater searching the boat. THE TENSION.

see? STRESSFUL

STEFF: The gist is they find this bag in the boat and inside is John B’s missing dad’s very old compass. Aaaand that’s how episode one ends.

MEL: Oh god I’ve blurred the episodes together at this point. I remember after that, these two guys zoomed towards them – they were dressed in black, which as my sister says is the clear indicator they are Bad Dudes. And they fucking SHOT at The Pogues with a rifle?

STEFF: YES, THEY SHOT AT KIDS. For literally no reason other than being in the marsh. I genuinely can’t remember either of their faces, they just looked like bouncers to me.

total bouncer vibes

MEL: Ok this is where I went to get snacks, lol. What happened next?

STEFF: Ummm, the sheriff drops by? The badass one that doesn’t put up with any of John B’s attitude. She literally tells him that if he doesn’t get his shit together he’s going to end up in foster care. Then she warns him to stay away from the marsh and to not get into any more trouble. Lol.

MEL: That’s right! And she’s like look, I’ll cover up the fact you clearly don’t have any adult supervision here for NOW. Which made me go, lady, you’re the sheriff you can’t be telling kids it’s fine they live alone.

yeah… just like… get an adult here in the next 3-6 months bro

STEFF: And when she kept going on about “tit for tat”, like he’s a kid, not an informant. Oh my god Mel, we haven’t talked about the Merchant yet. AKA THE BURIED TREASURE.

MEL: !!!! See this is what is weird about this show, there’s this buried treasure plotline but it’s also about a bunch of horny teens living like adults? Confusing.

STEFF: SO confusing. And so much happens. Far out, like no big deal but we haven’t even talked about JJ killing John B’s rooster. Real quick: Dirty Cop’s sniffing around the museum and matches the pic in the envelope to a model of this ship called the Merchant. Museum owner tells him it sunk years ago with “400 million dollars on it”. This bit is repeated like three times in the one episode, that’s the only reason I remember it. That’s the buried treasure bit and all you need to know about it, tbh.

MEL: Also real quick: the dodgy dudes show up at the wife of the dead guy’s house to ask her ABOUT the Merchant, from memory. For some reason The Pogues were also sniffing around there, they hide in the chicken coop, the chooks are going mental obviously and JJ comes up with the stellar, not psychotic at all idea of MURDERING ONE to shut it up.

ooook our friend is a psychopath

STEFF: Wait no – THIS IS WHY THE EPISODE NEEDED TO CHILL BECAUSE TOO MUCH HAPPENED – they went to dead guy’s house to ask his wife about the compass. They dodged the bad guys and dead guy’s wife was like “DON’T TELL ANYONE YOU HAVE THE COMPASS, GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT” so they head back to John B’s house and go into his dad’s locked office which has not been opened since he went missing. Bullshit. Dad’s office is filled with Merchant shit, John B fiddles with the compass, the back falls out revealing the word “Redfield” on it which is when the bad guys pull up and they hide in the chicken coop. I can’t believe I remember all of this. I hate myself.

MEL: See, this is why everyone needs a recap of this show because it is all over the place. Okay I’m back in the game, baby!!! From there, John B works out that “Redfield” is a hint from his dad to go to some lighthouse he loves. They show up, and this Santa-looking guy answers the door and he’s all “yes even though I manage the lighthouse I am also very knowledgable about The Merchant”.

STEFF: YES! Here we go.

MEL: Also the lighthouse man looks SUSPICIOUSLY like his dad, but he doesn’t even acknowledge it at all. Look:

Dad from photo
Lighthouse guy

STEFF: Omg.

MEL: Let’s chalk it up to ridiculous casting, I guess?

STEFF: Then the moment John B shows him the compass he absolutely loses it and calls the sheriff. All I remember about the next bit is that he ends up at the police station, Sheriff gives him more of the “tit for tat” talk but John B doesn’t budge. Then Kiara’s rich dad bails them out.

MEL: Well FIRST he pashes Kiara on the beach…

now THIS is what I signed up for

STEFF: WOW. I completely forgot about that. This recap has been such a ride.

MEL: She’s not super into it, she brings up the “no Pogue-on-Pogue macking” rule lol. This recap is chaos, if anyone follows it I’ll be amazed. Are you guys even still here? Are we writing into the void? Who fucking knows. But yes, then Kiara’s rich dad bails them out.

STEFF: I don’t even know where we’re up to. Will we make it to the end? I don’t know!! Anyway, THEN HE GETS FIRED. Christ, we forgot to mention he “borrowed” his boss’ scuba gear to dive for the compass. Of course his boss is Sarah’s dad.

MEL: Hahahahaha I didn’t even remember him diving for the compass, I thought it just magically appeared in his home.

STEFF: Hahahaha, christ. I’m getting a headache trying to remember all of this.

MEL: Okay this is my favourite bit – so the bouncers are back, with a gun, and they chase John B through the streets.

STEFF: Not gonna lie, all I could think about was how John B’s shirt wasn’t buttoned up properly. Sorry.

MEL: They get him, and they’ve beaten him up really good – and THEN the Sheriff shows up while one of them is literally standing OVER a broken John B. A teenager. And he just looks at the Sheriff, and she no shit just glares at them as they WALK AWAY. I’m sorry, pretty sure violence against a MINOR is illegal?

yeah and you STAY away

STEFF: YES. And didn’t John B get electrocuted or something or did I dream this up?

MEL: YES and the magic compass apparently concentrated the shock and saved his life ahahahaha.

STEFF: Can you imagine getting almost drowned and electrocuted in the same week? Hooley dooley. And then find out your dad might still be alive. What a week for John B.

MEL: Big week. So then he gives the Sheriff the compass, goes home and burns all the Merchant stuff. I think. He burns some stuff in the yard, whatever.

STEFF: Yeah he does! And then he spots the name “Redfield” right on this like family tree map or something? And realises it’s actually the name of his great granny or something like that?

MEL: Yes and then BAM he’s back into the Merchant shit. He makes up with Kiara, too.

STEFF: And then they go to a graveyard! And turns out John B’s great granny is buried in a whole-ass tomb. And they make poor Kiara climb into the tomb.

gee thanks guys

MEL: And they have to peel all these cliche grave vines off it to get to it. AND THAT’S THE END OF EPISODE TWO AND GUESS WHAT, STEFF, WE AREN’T RECAPPING ANY MORE OF THIS SHOW COZ IT DOES MY HEAD IN.

STEFF: THAT’S IT! THAT’S LITERALLY IT. Kiara climbs in and the episode ends with her staring at something shocking and I WENT TO BED! THE END! Honestly, if anyone’s still reading this I’m so sorry.

MEL: Same, I’m really sorry we are terrible recappers just of this show, coz normally we’re like really good. Anyway ALL of this being said I’m totally invested and will be continuing my viewing tonight. I just won’t be writing about it lol.

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