Here’s What Season 8 Of ‘Offspring’ Would Be Like If They Let Us Write It

So, the news that even fucking Asher Keddie isn’t across whether season 8 of Offspring, everyone’s favourite Aussie drama, will go ahead means, mates, it’s likely we won’t see a nice, wrapped-up end to the Proudman family yarn.

Unless they let me write it for them.

Yes, allow me to write the next season of Offspring for you, Channel 10. I promise it will be absolutely batshit insane and probably not legally allowed on primetime television. I do not promise it will make any sense whatsoever.

But absolutely, unequivocally, it will satisfy all Offspring fans deepest desires.

Here’s my season 8 for you Channel 10, bitch. (Sorry for calling you a bitch love you bring back old Neighbours episodes).

Patrick miraculously rises from the dead, gently and quietly murders Harry, then raises Harry and Nina‘s new baby while sometimes maniacally laughing about said murder of Harry. Come on guys. Harry is nice but he’s absolutely no Patrick and frankly, disposing of him dramatically is as good as his plot arc is going to get.

I may – MAY – drop the maniacal laughing, and instead just have everyone forget Harry even existed.

Lol there’s only one dick in town m8 and it’s me

Also Patrick’ll need to magically put another Patrick/Nina baby in her womb while she’s preg with her Harry beb. Guys, if this show comes back we’ve probably only got one more season and we need MANY PATRICK BABIES, ok? So we gotta start immediately. It happened in that movie with Jennifer Lopez so it can happen on Offspring.

This makes complete sense yes

Let’s all agree Mick was PERFECT for Billie even though they royally fucked it up multiple times and they never should have split. So wherever he is, roll him back in. London still? Get outta London, Mick! The music dream is dead! Come back to that cute house you guys owned! Do you still own it? IDK. Who cares! This is my plot and I’ll do what I like with it!

This forever til the end of time don’t @ me

As much as I miss Darcy Proudman, even though his baby with Cherie just seemed like a weird plot line and also he cheated all the time on Geraldine, we cannot also raise him from the dead. His time was up and he will live on in spirit, probably holding a Pina Colada on that cruise ship like a friendly ghost. But sure, let’s bring him back in ghost form a few times to give his kids advice. I like that.

Zara and Jimmy are RIPE for a solid life hit, and I think that should be in the form of some ridiculous, luxe-bohemian daycare centre called Earth Childe. Don’t they seem like the type of modern parents who would totally buy that child-rearing voodoo about whole-eating and spirulina baby shakes and hemp nappies and whatever the fuck else is spruiked by Insta-Mums? They do. So they open one of these, and Zara also uses her fresh medical degree to become some sort of holistic paediatrician? Yeah. Nice. Also, let’s get Kim working in there too because Zara/Kim moments are what this show is built upon.

Geraldine can ABSOLUTELY marry Phil D’Arabont. Absolutely. He’s the worst ever! And I know, I know – we all loved Phillip Noonan, Nina’s biological dad. But Phillip is happily married and also in a very real way Phil D’s quality TV and their wild fucking with no abandon was great. Imagine their wedding – I’ll tell you about it. It involves a lot of Camilla dresses and some questionable feathery headpieces, and Phil is spray-tanned to an orange level and Geraldine performs a burlesque show as a tribute to him. Fantastic areas.

Was this the best scene or was this the best scene

Cherie and Martin Clegg getting married was priceless – they are wonderful together and I think season 7 can also involve them having like, quadruplets. I feel like Martin would dress them in matching sailor suits or other comical baby-wear. Just always matching and always in weird, themed outfits.

Also maybe Cherie becomes a psychic

Just get rid of that teen mum. Brody? Bordie? Probably Bordie coz SHE IS BORING. Don’t murder her that would be kind of evil. Just like, she can not be there when the season starts.

You know what this show needs? More dogs. So let’s have ALL the Proudmans adopt an entire animal shelter of puppies! There’ll be a dog in every scene for season 8. I command it.

Here’s a thought – Home and Away and Neighbours really get the viewers with their crazy natural disasters. Let’s hit Melbs with a solid BUSHFIRE CROSS TORNADO. A FIRENADO!

Burninating the countryside

Too much? Never. No one we care about can die though – HEY, maybe Harry can die in the FIRENADO instead? I’ll allow it.

Final thoughts – the end scene must involve one big dinner party with ALL the Proudmans and Kim/Martin/Cherie, eating cheese and drinking red wine and laughing. The end.

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