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House parties are consistently the biggest letdown of the year, and I blame everyone but myself – I’m a hoot.

The barrage of dud parties is the result of a few reasons: people’s expectations are impossibly high, the party you’ve chosen is full of sober(ish) couples, and, most importantly, you can’t control the music.

Unless, of course, you host your own party. Stop relying on other people to cater to your ridic party needs and just throw a rager yourself.

Just make sure you actually know how to throw a decent shindig, otherwise, you’ll end up in the Hall of Shame with the rest of your dropkick, party-throwing mates.

Have that playlist on lock

I really don’t want to chastise people for having questionable taste in music but, guys, come the fuck on. Nothing that could resemble elevator music deserves to be on a party playlist, and I’m willing to cull bulk mates if they dare chuck on ~soothing~ tunes when I’m trying to get litty-mctitty.

Set aside a solid week prior to the party to really nail that playlist as well as your music setup, and, once it’s complete, do not cave to requests from anyone.

You also need to scope out prime speaker possies. Grab no less than three Ultimate Ears portable speakers and scatter them around different rooms. If I’m at a party, I want music to be blaring in my ear while I’m in the loo, so chuck one in there too for good measure (they’re waterproof too, so even if you drop one in the bath you’re golden).

We’re aiming for deafening, you guys. The louder the music, the harder it is to hear people drone on about their upcoming nuptials.

Flowing drinks

You’d think this is a given, but, as someone who’s attended one too many dry parties under the pretence that they would be wetter than a walrus, I simply must remind everyone that flowing drinks does indeed make for a better night – usually.

I’m in no way saying that you need alcohol at a party to have fun, but just having the offer there gives people that extra buzz that they wouldn’t experience if they knew there wasn’t a drop of juice on the premises.

Gotta give the people what they want.

The less seating the better

If your party guests are the type of people who absolutely need to sit down because they’re tired, they have no business being there in the first place.

Chairs make for awkward situations where circles form, crowds get divided and people are less inclined to mingle if they’re perched near the snack table.

My vote? Burn the chairs. Burn ’em all. People can stand for a couple of hours without complaining about it.

Live a little.

Invite like-minded people

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if you’re surrounded by people whose idea of a good time is a glass of red and a roaring fire, you need to high-tail it out of there and wander the streets until you hear doof-doof music.

You can catch up for a glass of pinot any time, a house party should be all about debauchery and terrible life decisions.

Mandatory costumes

Stay with me, I know costumes are a contentious topic.

The lead-up to a costume party can seem beyond taxing, but, I firmly believe that once everyone’s there in costume, it almost guarantees a wilder night.

People seem to have lower inhibitions when they look ridiculous (but don’t try to find any studies on it because I’m just speaking anecdotally).

Just bite the bullet, let your hair down and look like a right tit for a night.

If you have post-party embarrassment, I have the perfect solution for you: enter our competition where you and three mates could score a trip to Fraser Island as well as an Ultimate Ears Megaboom, and that way you can at least hide from everyone in a place they’d never suspect you to be.

Win A Trip To Fraser Island For You & 3 Mates

The perfect crime.

Image: Rough Night