The Derek Zoolander Center For News Producers Who Can’t Read Good And
Who Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too is having a bumper year, thanks to The
Seven Network
. News broke this week that Seven hired good-looking actors to pose as producers in order to make its news promos more aesthetically appealing. It’s a move so craven it’s worthy of … well, actually, it’s
worthy of Australian commercial TV, so well done, guys.

Sources at Seven’s Martin Place newsroom say that they spotted up to 20 actors
at the studio this week, sitting at desks and acting just like producers,
except way more handsome. One plucky Seven staffer even leaked a photo of a supposed memo, instructing the actors on how to behave like newsroom
employees. The main stipulation was that they not talk or interfere with the
real news gatherers, but other instructions for looking busy included:

1. GO AND CHECK SOME PAPERWORK WITH ANOTHER EXTRA (30 SECS)

 

2. GO BACK TO YOUR HOME BASE AND CHECK SOME DETAILS ON THE COMPUTER
SCREEN

 

3. IF YOU ARE DOWNSTAIRS GO UPSTAIRS AND WALK WITH ANOTHER EXTRA FOR 1
MIN (QUIETLY)

IF YOU ARE UPSTAIRS GO DOWNSTAIRS AND WALK WITH ANOTHER EXTRA FOR 1 MIN
(QUIETLY)

 

4. GO BACK TO YOUR HOMEBASE AND ANSWER A PHONE CALL WHILE BROWSING SOME
DOCUMENTS

5. GO AND GET A CUP OF WATER FROM THE KITCHEN THEN GO BACK TO HOMEBASE DRINKING
WATER

 

6. WALK AROUND AND CHECK ON THE OTHER EXTRAS … KEEP MOVING …
ACKNOWLEDGE BUT DON’T STOP TO CHAT

7. GO BACK TO HOMEBASE FOR ONE MINUTE PRETEND TO TYPE

Ugly old Seven staff quickly grew suspicious when their more chiseled, poised
counterparts began invading the newsroom. An insider at the network told the
Daily Telegraph that, when one of the new staff was asked if he had just joined
the news team, he cheerfully replied “no, I am just here for the promo
shoot.”

 

Seven spokesman Simon Francis denied that the actors
had been hired to shoot a news promo, and said that their presence was part of
a vague “ongoing project”. In the absence of any information about
this project, we can only assume it’s eugenics-based, and that Seven brass will
breed the actors with the normals to create a superior new generation of
newsroom staff.

via The Daily Telegraph

Photo: Evan Agostini via Getty Images