New Mayor Of Hell, USA Immediately Impeached After Banning Heterosexuals

Elijah Daniel‘s whirlwind time as mayor of Hell all started with a dream: to become a politician for no reason beyond kinda wanting to see how it would turn out.

im gonna become a politician just to see how far i could make it like i could probably get as far as governor

— former mayor elijah (@elijahdaniel) August 25, 2017

The comedian and author, whose work includes an erotic comedy fanfic starring Donald J. Trump and who you may recognise from his YouTube channel with the impeccable Christine Sydelko, decided that, come hell or high water, he would gain office somewhere.

I spent two days calling towns asking to let me be their mayor….. and guess what….

— former mayor elijah (@elijahdaniel) August 30, 2017

He did. In Hell, in fact. Hell, Michigan.

As of today, August 30th, 2017 I am the legal mayor of Hell, Michigan. This is real. I am the mayor of Hell. pic.twitter.com/J7fuaLnFKV

— former mayor elijah (@elijahdaniel) August 30, 2017

hello, i would like to be the first U.S. mayor to go on record and say "eating ass is dope"

— former mayor elijah (@elijahdaniel) August 30, 2017

I'm literally the First Lady of Hell pic.twitter.com/XU8Vb8HtiH

— Christine Sydelko (@csydelko) August 30, 2017

Daniel’s first mayoral act? To ban straight people from Hell, saying:

Our number one responsibility and priority is to protect Hell. We are a compassionate town, and we support the heterosexuals, but it’s time to reevaluate and strengthen our vetting process […] Any heterosexuals currently residing in Hell will be charged an $84,000 reproductive precautionary deposit, which will be returned after one year of abstinence from any heterosexual activities.

Harsh, but fair.

As acting mayor of Hell, Michigan I hearby ban all heterosexuals from entering our town. pic.twitter.com/uDuGWFATmS

— former mayor elijah (@elijahdaniel) August 30, 2017

yes I am the first u.s mayor to ban heterosexuality but i hope my act of bravery will inspire fellow politicians to ban straights as well

— former mayor elijah (@elijahdaniel) August 30, 2017

While Daniel’s status as the first gay mayor (…gayor?) to ban straights from his electorate was fun while it lasted…

"You're gay? Aren't you afraid to go to Hell?" "Actually, I'm the mayor."

— alyssa (@KitMee_) August 30, 2017

NOTHING BUT RESPECT FOR MY MAYOR OF HELL https://t.co/YMCdjFjlop

— Kayla D'Amour (@kayladamour) August 30, 2017

i'm going to hell, michigan to be under elijah daniel's reign

— jess halloween (@GRAYICETEA) August 30, 2017

The new mayor of Hell looks pretty dope ???????? pic.twitter.com/HHEHQLkSyd

— laura (@laurammlg) August 30, 2017

…his gayoral term was swiftly brought to an end. Daniel was impeached.

Although I enjoyed my time as mayor, I've been informed that I've been impeached as mayor of Hell. This will not effect my presidential run.

— former mayor elijah (@elijahdaniel) August 30, 2017

Don’t panic, though – it turns out that pretty much anyone can become mayor of Hell. They all get impeached.

According to an interview with HuffPost, Daniel’s term as mayor of Hell was just under three hours, and only set him back US$100.

I was looking for a town willing to make me mayor. They’ll do it in Hell for $100, so I caught a redeye to Michigan and got sworn in.

Everyone who becomes mayor there gets impeached. Most of the people who visit are same-sex couples who want to be married in Hell.

Aww, that’s so sweet.

For the record, Daniel says most of the language in his hetero-ban was lifted directly from President Trump‘s infamous Muslim ban – though I imagine the bit about mandatory cargo shorts is probably original.

And like all politicians worth their salt, Daniel refused to leave his hard-won position as mayor without a final parting shot at his favourite object of parody:

Being impeached was fun @realDonaldTrump, you should try it.

— former mayor elijah (@elijahdaniel) August 30, 2017

Hell will never see another mayor like him.