New Mayor Of Hell, USA Immediately Impeached After Banning Heterosexuals

Elijah Daniel‘s whirlwind time as mayor of Hell all started with a dream: to become a politician for no reason beyond kinda wanting to see how it would turn out.

The comedian and author, whose work includes an erotic comedy fanfic starring Donald J. Trump and who you may recognise from his YouTube channel with the impeccable Christine Sydelko, decided that, come hell or high water, he would gain office somewhere.

He did. In Hell, in fact. Hell, Michigan.

Daniel’s first mayoral act? To ban straight people from Hell, saying:

Our number one responsibility and priority is to protect Hell. We are a compassionate town, and we support the heterosexuals, but it’s time to reevaluate and strengthen our vetting process […] Any heterosexuals currently residing in Hell will be charged an $84,000 reproductive precautionary deposit, which will be returned after one year of abstinence from any heterosexual activities.

Harsh, but fair.

While Daniel’s status as the first gay mayor (…gayor?) to ban straights from his electorate was fun while it lasted…

…his gayoral term was swiftly brought to an end. Daniel was impeached.

Don’t panic, though – it turns out that pretty much anyone can become mayor of Hell. They all get impeached.

According to an interview with HuffPost, Daniel’s term as mayor of Hell was just under three hours, and only set him back US$100.

I was looking for a town willing to make me mayor. They’ll do it in Hell for $100, so I caught a redeye to Michigan and got sworn in.

Everyone who becomes mayor there gets impeached. Most of the people who visit are same-sex couples who want to be married in Hell.

Aww, that’s so sweet.

For the record, Daniel says most of the language in his hetero-ban was lifted directly from President Trump‘s infamous Muslim ban – though I imagine the bit about mandatory cargo shorts is probably original.

And like all politicians worth their salt, Daniel refused to leave his hard-won position as mayor without a final parting shot at his favourite object of parody:

Hell will never see another mayor like him.