I’m aware that most humans are indeed garbage, that’s nothing new, but every now and then you’ll come across people who make garbage look like 24K gold.
Not to judge – I’m far from a saint myself – but guys, sort your lives out. (Oh my, I just felt the hypocrisy in my bones.)
None of these things I’ve seen or heard singularly warrants a trip to hell, but if you’re doing all of them then you might be shacking up with the devil in your next life. Just a heads up.
So, have a squiz at the following and if you can relate to any of them, you might need to start making better life choices.
1. SPEAKERPHONES ON PUBLIC TRANSPORT
On paper, it shouldn’t really be a problem for someone to chat with their mate on speakerphone while surfing the tube, but it’s so damn vexing.
I have no problem whatsoever with people having a face-to-face conversation on the train so I have no clue why speakerphone chats rile me up as much as they do, but I can’t control what boils my blood.
Maybe, perhaps, you should just hold the phone to your face like a functioning adult? Is that too tricky? If you’re using speakerphone I will smack that phone out of your damn hands.
2. BAILING ON UNI TO GET BLACKOUT
Again, I’m going to have to ignore the blatant hypocrisy on my end otherwise I won’t be able to sleep tonight.
Overheard on my morning commute, two students had devised a plan that involved skipping their uni classes to go and get absolutely tanked at a nearby pub.
I have two problems with this: firstly, education should be taken seriously(ish) but more importantly, I wanted to ignore my responsibilities and go with them to get tanked at said pub.
The jealousy was very real.
3. LURKING AT THE COUNTER TO PINCH OTHER ORDERS
Hypocrisy yada yada yada.
While I’ve definitely dabbled in order pinching, that doesn’t mean I can’t get annoyed when I see other people do it.
Admittedly it is a somewhat a genius move – simply wait at the counter like you’ve made an order, and when the server shouts a number that no one responds to, you swoop in and get that glorious food for exactly zero dollars and zero cents.
This is all sorts of morally bankrupt so don’t be that person, you might think it’s cute but it just makes you look like a dero.
4. PLOTTING TO FEED THEIR MATE LAXATIVES
Did you know that you can buy laxatives in the form of a chocolate block? I did not, but I do now.
Observed once again on one of my extensive commutes (it pays to eavesdrop people), a bunch of school kids had bought a block of poop chocolate and were planning on slipping it to their mate who, from what I could tell, had done something that apparently deserved a good ol’ trip from Mr. Laxative himself.
Whether they went through with it I do not know, but I just pray their mate didn’t crap themselves in class. That’s a hard one to bounce back from.
5. ONLY EATING THE BURRITO FILLING
Do people not know that burrito bowls exist? How do they not? It’s right there on the menu next to the burrito options. Use your eyes people!
I’ve deadset been at Mad Mex chowing down on a Poco Diablo burrito when some heathen next to me unwrapped their burrito, scooped out the filling and discarded the tortilla like it was the middle child.
Gobsmacked. Outraged. Absolutely the closest I’ve come to committing first-degree murder, hands down.
I mean, just look at it:
Why would someone mutilate such a beautiful specimen? They’re straight-up going to hell and I’ll happily pack their bags for ’em.
FYI: The Poco Diablo is outta here on August 26 so you better motor thy butts to Mad Mex before then.
And no, don’t think the Diablo has forgotten about the vegos and vegans of the world – the Poco Diablo comes in both chicken and not-chicken chicken (aka vegan chicken). I’ve personally checked – it’s almost impossible to differentiate from yes-chicken chicken.
Mad Mex, you accommodating peach. I could (and will) kiss ya.