You really have to hand it to My Kitchen Rules – this is a show that knows how to get Australia properly riled up on a villain, until we’re screaming for blood and calling down all manner of Old Testament shit upon them.
We as a nation had barely recovered from the shock revalation that Zana can actually hold her own in a kitchen when along came Jess, slouching forth from an all new circle of culinary hell.
Why would the network even want to put so many horrible people on the one show?
Ohh, right.
She hasn’t even cooked yet in the current round – Seven are saving that for last, because they’re no dummies – but we still have a fairly good idea of Jess’s whole deal. Let’s list some of the things that she doesn’t like:
– Chocolate as a garnish
– Chocolate in any other context
– Icing sugar
– Gluten
– Doubling up on carbs
– Carbs of any kind, really
– Fried food
– Cuddle bear Manu
– Any of the other contestants
– Unhealthy people
– Thinking before she speaks
Basic bitches …
Basic bitches everywhere …
Even if you didn’t see the show, you probably heard about ‘The Incident‘, the much-talked-about spat between Manu and Jess that left him gasping ‘sacre bleu!’
I’ll get to that later, because MKR is at least notionally a cooking show, I should at least touch on that aspect of it.
It’s Lucino and Martino‘s turn to cook tonight – they’ve been billed as excellent Italian cooks, and based on their performance, it’s honestly pretty hard to find anything mean to say about them, which is a problem when you’re trying to recap reality television.
Luciano and Martino have an adorable Italian bromance going on, they know their way around an osso bucco, and they make such efficient use of their prep time that everything is basically done and squared away before the guests arrive.
What the fuck MKR? Nobody’s sobbing on the floor, nobody’s got salmonella, and the oven isn’t even on fire. Where’s the drama supposed to come from?
Oh right.
The entrée is served – it’s Fettuccine con Salsiccia & Funchi Porcini, which is Italian for ‘pasta so good that Pete practically weeps at the table and calls it the best he’s ever had on the show.’
Everyone’s feeling it except for Jess, who wishes it was more al dente and had more herbs and also that it wasn’t pasta, because she considers that to be a cheat meal that she only eats on days that don’t end in ‘y’.
Jess, who doesn’t quite seem to have grasped the fact that this is a cooking show, also gets stroppy about the fact that there’s risotto – “another heavy carb” – coming out as part of the main.
Someone asks Jess what she would serve for dinner. “I eat very healthy, I know that everyone else doesn’t eat very healthy, and I’ll cater for everyone …” she says.
Manu gently tries to explain that you can eat food with actual flavour, exercise occasionally and still be healthy, then this happens …
It’s almost time for THE INCIDENT! ??#MKR
Posted by My Kitchen Rules on Saturday, February 13, 2016
#FacesOfMKR
#FacesOfMKR
…. at which point, it’s fucking on. It’s weird to go on a cooking show when you apparently have an absolutely visceral fear of food, but Jess just guaranteed that a shitload of people are going to tune in this Sunday to see her fail in the kitchen.
I mean, Jess is definitely going to fail, right? MKR villains are like Highlanders: there can only be one; Zana has already proved her cooking chops, and if they give us another terrible person / good cook combo this year, viewers will smash their sets.
The osso bucco comes out and is generally pretty good, and Manu accuses it of being too Australianised or something, but nobody’s even paying attention, because everyone around the table is mentally packing Jess’ bags for her.
Come dessert time, Jess reveals that she has issues with icing sugar.
If you were hoping for some kind of a dessert fight, then you’re in luck, because the money shot of the entire episode arrives when Jess comes at Alex like a spider monkey, and he coolly tells her: “I hope that your food tastes better than your attitude.”
Yup, MKR just bought itself another hundred thousand viewers next Sunday night.
Luciano and Martino’s ricotta cheesecake is f’kn delicious, of course, but the surprise of the night comes when it’s time for the guest teams to give out scores.
The others whip out entirely solid 8s, but after complaining virtually all night about every aspect of the meal Jess and Marcos give it a near-perfect 9/10.
Huh? How are we supposed to fully commit to the idea of Jess as a villain when she scores fairly and doesn’t even try to bring her fellow contestants down via scheming and strategy?
WHY ARE YOU PLAYING WITH OUR HEADS LIKE THAT, JESS?
Anyway, after Pete and Manu’s glowing praise, Luciano and Martino are at the top of the leader-board, with 95/110. Jess and Marcos are literally going to top that on Sunday, or get 0s. There is no other possible middle ground.
What a time to be an MKR fan.
